Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie Part 3

Character Somehow Developed Without Use of Karate
Obese Australian Man Dances for Nickles

This series of posts is a collaborative with Big Bob Pataki over at Terrible Blog for Terrible People. He's the one who keeps this post and all the posts before it from looking like complete trainwrecks. He'll be posting these movie write-ups on his site as well, with additional editor's notes and jokes I was too lazy to include. Thanks to his tireless efforts in finding the best way to talk about how Jason David Frank emasculates the rest of his co-stars.

Last week on Power Rangers: The Movie, Ivan Ooze mortally wounded Zordon and turned him into a gray old man wearing a potato sack. With Zordon out of commission, the Power Rangers lost their magical karate pajamas and became a group of boring teenage assholes, and their cool friend Tommy. Upon realizing that their genocidal paternal figure is at death's door and they can't shill toys to fat kids in basketball shorts anymore, the Ranger Teens vowed to reclaim their powers. With Alpha's help, they were teleported to the distant planet of Phaedos, which supposedly houses a Great Power. Hoping that the Gokaigers didn't beat them to the punch, the Rangers searched the planet of Phaedos for about 4 minutes before being ambushed by bird-monsters. The powerless Rangers got their asses beat quite handily, but the fiendish flock were driven off by the great warrior/total babe Dulcea. While the Rangers teamed up with Dulcea, Ivan began to set his own plans into motion on Earth. Ooze distributed jars of his freshly-squeezed ooze to the unsuspecting children of Angel Grove. The children's parents were all hypnotized by the ooze and sweet Jesus what is happening in this fucking movie?

The Ranger Teens accompany Dulcea to her compound on Phaedos, where she directs their attention to a monolith in the distance. Billy asks why this movie is ripping off Kubrick, and asks if anyone on this production team was stupid enough to actually think their dumbass baby karate film had any right to borrow imagery from one of the most culturally important movies of all time. Then Dulcea says some more vague mystical bullshit and the scene continues for an indeterminate amount of time.

Dulcea warns the heroes that no one has ever made it to the monolith housing the Great Power without pushing up daisies. Aisha asks how the hell they're supposed to if a bunch of creepy looking alien puppets couldn't do it. Dulcea reassures them that Zordon hand-picked them, and that means something. I mean he only picked three of these kids, because the last three he picked were sent off to a Saban-brand meat grinder in Switzerland.

In order to aid these dumbass teenagers, Dulcea offers the use of her plot-convenient mystical powers to give them strength. She dumps a big bag of pixie stix into her hands as she blathers endlessly about how we all have the spirit of an animal inside us. Fucks' sake, get on with it already Joe Rogan.

Dulcea dumps her handful of sprinkles into a raging campfire, causing a large cyclone of energy to surround the Ranger Teens. The tornado ceases and the our heroes find themselves equipped with exactly what they need to battle the forces of evil, new pairs of pajamas!

The look on Billy's face sums it all up.

Now that our heroes have a fresh new pair of ninjamas, the audience will presumably erupt in a dull cheer over this supposedly exciting moment. Dulcea explains what powers they have been blessed with and my mom puts her head in her hands when she realizes there are another 6 toys she has to buy for her horrible son. AND BUY THEM SHE DID.

Aisha is no longer a saber-tooth tiger, but she now holds the power of the mighty bear. This is mostly due to her love of pic-a-nic baskets and getting her head stuck in beehives while seeking out honey. Rocky's totem animal is the ape, because he looks like a monkey and he smells like one too. Billy's represented by the wolf, because bullies always make sure he wolfs down toilet water when they give him a swirly. The swift and agile Kimberly has the spirit of the crane inside of her, because she'll need a crane to carry Tommy's talentless ass through the rest of this movie.

Then Dulcea gets to Adam who appears quite disappointed. She asks him why he looks so disappointed, and he gestures to the animal insignia on his chest. He's a frog. That loser Rocky gets to be a big strong ape and he's stuck being a croaking dipshit. While Billy and Aisha are busy tearing out the throats of their enemies, he's going to be eating flies. What a crock. Dulcea chuckles at the boy's plight and offers that Adam is a frog, like the one you kiss to get a handsome prince. Which really offers no solution to Adam's frustration at being the lamest creature in the animal kingdom.

Regardless, this is one of the cutest and most humanizing moments that any of the Ranger Teens has ever been given. It's actually one of the few memories I have about seeing this movie in the theater, that there was a big laugh when Adam expressed his disappointment at being a frog. This line typically seems to be regarded, even by cynical dorks like myself, as a bright spot in this movie. Why's that? Well maybe it's because one of these "characters" actually acknowledged the shitty power lottery that their life has become season after season. It's charming, it's sweet, and it was actually Johnny Yong Bosch's idea. What a shock, the actors had to make a request to give their character some sort of depth. Because Saban Inc. was too busy printing dollar bills with Jason David Frank's face on them.

Oh right, speaking of Tommy, he's a falcon. Or as Dulcea calls it, the fulkin. The winged lord of the skies and the creature symbolizing Jesus Christ himself. The almighty beast that reigns dominant over anything underneath it. So amazing and powerful that we can justify selling its toy separate from the other Rangers' ninja animals.

65 dollars for a Falconzord my ass.

Dulcea explains that those who hold the power of Ninjetti are able to make anything possible, so long as it's within the film's budget. Thankfully the Rangers will be able to make these miracles happen by themselves, because Dulcea announces she won't be able to accompany them on their journey. When the Ranger Teens ask why, she gives some nonsense answer about how she can't leave her plateau, or she'll age rapidly just like Zordon has. In screenwriting language, this translates to "I would be superfluous in future scenes, so I can't continue on. Sorry."

After Dulcea tells the Ranger Teens to let their animal spirits guide them, she transforms into an owl and flies away because her planet needs her.

Dulcea died on the way back to her home planet.

Back on Earth, we witness Ivan Ooze using the parents of Angel Grove, Australia to dig up his Ectomorphicon machines. Ivan sips a dry-ice martini as Goldar barks orders at the parents to dig faster. Mordant isn't present because I was finally prescribed pills to get rid of the hallucinations this movie is putting me through.

Ivan acts as a surrogate for the parents in the audience as he complains about how bored he is. In order to quell his fatigue, Ivan commands one of his parent-zombies to stop digging and embarrass himself by performing various dances. Well the fat actor who has to humiliate himself isn't the only one dismayed by this, because I can't tell you how cringey this scene was for me. Some poor fat Aussie is trying to earn a paycheck and has to debase himself in front of a golden lion-dog and an old man with purple paint on his face. This stands in such stark contrast to the subtle and sweet moment of Adam wishing he had another totem animal as such a broad and unfunny bunch of shit.

But I'm the guy who wants to see the fat guy fall into a cake every week, so who the fuck am I to judge?

Goldar informs Ivan that the Tengu Warriors have returned from Phaedos, and the bird creatures land in front of their master. Ivan asks for a status update on those children he wanted murdered, and the Tengu respond by describing all sorts of violent actions they performed on the Ranger Teens. Violent actions that we didn't see in the film itself, possibly because they had to be cut out of the script to make it more family friendly.

The weirdest thing in this scene where a bunch of bird-people discuss murdering high school students with their purple snot-wizard overlord is the voice given to one of the Tengu. For absolutely no reason, he sounds like someone doing a C+ Jack Nicholson impression. I would say it takes me out of the movie, but I'm not in the business of lying to you. The only thing this voice makes me wish for is a scene of a Tengu plunging an axe into Rocky's chest.

While the Tengu describe their misadventures on Phaedos, it comes to light that they didn't actually finish off the Rangers. Ivan becomes incensed when he asks, "What?! You didn't kill them?" That's right, Ooze actually said the k-word in our franchise for little babies who don't know what mortality is. I'm humiliated to admit it, but I get a little jazzed when Ivan cuts this "destroy" bullshit and comes out and asks why those godforsaken teens aren't worm food right now.

When Ivan interrogates his Tengu about what happened on Phaedos, the Tengu mention a horrible monster with spinning sticks and some rude titties. Ivan puts two and Tengu together and realizes that Dulcea must be leading the Power Rangers to the Great Power. Just in case you kids forgot that plot point from two minutes ago. Ivan's fury grows as he reminisces about his previous encounter with Dulcea, which ended with her mocking his gross gooey dick and signing up with Zordon's murder regime.

That's when the movie offers up its most confusing series of events, so try and stay with me. The Tengu ask Ivan if he would like them to try killing the Ranger Teens again, or as they put it "Do you want us to take another whack at it?" Ivan's response is…um…

If you gave me a hundred years I still wouldn't understand this.

This might be the most confounding moment in the entire movie. It's not the inexplicable murder of the Tengu that baffles me as much as it is what Ivan says before it. His Bond one-liner about the birds taking another quack at it. I understand the incredibly witty rhyming of "whack" and "quack", and I understand that the Tengu Warriors are birds that make quacking noises. What I don't understand is why in the fuck any being with some form of cognizance would string together that group of words before murdering a gaggle of hyper-intelligent anthropomorphic ninja chickens. It would have made just as much sense if Ivan opened his mouth and started projectile vomiting before killing them.

Alright, let me take another quack at writing about this movie.

Fred locates the parents, and tries to figure out why they're digging up a bunch of gigantic murder robots in a quarry. Oh sorry, don't you remember who Fred is? He's that kid from the opening of the movie who acted as an audience surrogate while he told us all how cool Tommy is. So much cooler than his lame dud dad who beefed his landing and gave the shocker to a jar of monster cum. 

Sincerely, why do I need to see some little twerp goofing around in this movie? You had me at Power Rangers: The Movie. I'm not here to watch the misadventures of Fred and Fred Sr. I want action, karate, ooze, robots, and a man falling into an oversized dessert. Why are you including this unbearable kid into a movie about ninja teenagers fighting sentient boogers?

This is something that the 90's had such a stupid hard-on for, and I can't stop detesting it. That stupid "kid-power" bullshit. Where kids rule and adults drool. Even as a kid I thought this kind of shit was obnoxious. I don't think that characters are intrinsically cooler just because they're the same age as I am. I'm watching the Power Rangers to escape from the doldrums of my own life and imagine I'm a super cool karate crimefighter. I don't want to watch your movie and see myself represented as some kid with a backwards baseball cap and an upsettingly-Australian father? I already have a deeply upset father sitting next to me in the theater.

Fred finds his dad digging up space robots and begs him to come back home so he can be further emasculated. Fred Sr. offers no reaction, since he's been turned into some kind of evil Ooze Ghoul or something. Maybe Fred Sr. is ignoring his stupid kid because he wants some peace and goddamn quiet for one day. As a matter of fact, there was a line earlier where Fred Sr. discussed his disgust with Fred Jr's behavior.

EVAH SINCE YA MOTHA LEFT ITS BEEN TAHMMY THIS AND BLOODY TAHMMY THAT. INTO THE BLOODY BIN WITH IT. 

Ivan overlooks the digging project and recognizes the exoskeleton of his dreaded Ectomorphicon, Hornitor. He also namedrops his equally lethal Scorpitron machine, and promises that these beings will soon destroy the universe. While Ooze monologues, my eyes wander across the screen and I see him again. That repugnant son of a bitch. Mordant. What's he doing there? I thought those pills were supposed to make him go away. Why aren't they working? You guys can see him too...can't you?

Back on planet Phaedos, the Ranger Teens begin their trek to the monolith matte painting housing the Great Power. Tommy and his five pals wander through a desolate forest that's covered in dinosaur bones. In case your sides needed some splitting, Adam quips "Welcome to Jurassic Park." And everyone in existence collectively rolls their eyes. Why are we giving the gag line to the shy and introverted character? Why not make Rocky a jokester? Why would you include this line in a scene where the Rangers have to walk through a horrifying monster graveyard on a goddamn nightmare planet? Might as well have taken that scene where Zordon was dying and had Aisha blow a raspberry.

Billy observes a big pile of bones that looks like someone fished up the Krayt dragon skeleton from George Lucas' garbage. While Billy diddles with these dino bones for a little while, the screenwriter flips back a few pages in the script and realizes he hasn't had an action scene in at least five minutes! Only one way to fix that!

I would bet my right nut that's a Yu-Gi-Oh card.

The reanimated dinosaur corpse charges at Aisha who uses her newfound bear powers to scream and cower from this creature. Glad we spent all that time looking inside ourselves to find our inner animal spirit to guide us along this treacherous path. All so Aisha could bear-ly escape from a big bag of old moldy bones, full of green dust. Thanks for nothing bear spirit. Why don't you get your feet nailed down and start dancing in a Russian circus.

Rocky tries to step in and save Aisha by smacking the dinosaur with a bone, but it hilariously shatters and does nothing. Rocky then gets headbutted away by the creature, and Kimberly feigns interest in his safety. "Oh no. It was…Rocky who got injured. What a shame." The dinosaur chases after Kimberly next, and ends up trapping her inside a small makeshift cage made out of bones. Kimberly screams out for Tommy to help her, because her character has lost absolutely any autonomy ever since Tommy showed up.

Tommy charges at the skeleton and starts jabbing a big stick into its empty eye sockets. Because he's a comically stupid man who doesn't know how to solve anything unless it involves him using martial arts. But don't worry everyone, because Tommy makes sure to take a moment to refer to this monster as "bonehead."

Would someone do me a favor and sew these losers' lips shut?

Tommy flips on top of the living fossil and starts to ride it like it's a bucking bronco. The other Ranger Teens do exactly what they're supposed to whenever Tommy is taking the lead, cheer him on and do nothing that would make him look inferior.

HEY GUYS MAYBE I CAN RIDE THAT COOL DINO AND BEAT 'EM UP REAL BAD WITH LOTS OF KICKS AND POW POW VWISH! BRWOWWWWWW!!! HYUT SEET UYAH!

Jason, you've done it again. Why did we even write this movie? We should have let you ad-lib the whole thing!

Hey guys, maybe during this scene you could have a moment where I get to-

CARDENAS, IF THAT FUCKING FLESH-HOLE YOU CALL A MOUTH SPITS OUT ONE MORE NON-TOMMY RELATED IDEA, WE'RE GOING TO THROW YOU DOWN THIS GODDAMNED GORGE AND DUMP ENOUGH BOULDERS ON YOUR BATTERED AND BRUISED BODY SO THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO BE ROCKY FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. WE ALREADY REPLACED ONE RED RANGER, ROCKY. WE'LL GO GET BULLWINKLE IF WE NEED TO!

So Tommy picks a bone out from the back of the skeleton's neck and it falls apart for some reason, because who cares? Possibly because Tommy makes sure to inform the skeleton that he has "a bone to pick" with him. Did children laugh at this? If you have a child in your possession for whatever reason, please show them this scene and report your findings. Then make sure to dispose of the child in a safe and biodegradable dumpster.

The other Rangers all cheer how ingenious and handsome and profitable and popular Tommy is. Rocky starts to say some line about how they had better leave before the creature pulls itself back together, but the movie cares so little about what he has to say that his statement is cut off in editing. He's trying to finish his thought, but the scene cuts back to more footage with Tommy in it. Serves you right Rocky. The only reason you're in this movie is because you got grandfather claused in.

Back on Earth, Fred sneaks around Ivan's factory while Victor Von Ooze announces that the construction on his Ectomorphicons is now complete. To congratulate his hordes of zombie workers, Ivan informs them that he's sick of looking at their ugly faces and commands them to leap to their deaths at the quarry. No matter what else happens in this movie, it introduced a villain commanding his minions to commit mass suicide.That's pretty hardcore for Babby's First Karate: The Movie. 

Ivan lets the pipes filled with ooze flow into his Ectomorphicons, and the hideous machines come to life. No, I'm not calling them hideous because they're evil or whatever. I mean they're horrible-looking CGI monstrosities that look like they walked out of a PS1 cutscene.

Hornitor

Scorpitron

Thankfully we don't have to look at those abominations of computer graphics for very long, because it's back to Phaedos where the Ranger Teens have finally reached the monolith. Y'know for a planet that's supposedly covered in horrific trials and tribulations, this place wasn't all that bad. The Tengu were Ivan's creation and that bone dragon had a kill switch on the back of its neck.

I mean seriously, Dulcea gave them those fancy new ninjamas before anything that lived on Phaedos attacked them. What kind of a terrifying planet is this? The Rangers met a total babe in bikini armor and a shitty broken pile of bones. If I don't see some discount Star Wars-looking son-bitches show up right this second I am gonna freak.

Thank God!

Uh oh! That's one of the four creatures who guard the monolith housing the Great Power! They're known as the Gatekeepers, because whoever named characters for this movie ran out of juice after they came up with "Fred."

The Gatekeeper creatures descend on Tommy and all the rest, which prompts Kim to ask her fearless leader what they should do. Tommy commands his team to power up into their Ninjetti forms. Oh man, the Rangers get a new form? I bet that's going to look really cool!

…Whatever

Man…I'm so excited to see these new forms in action. Yippee.

The Rangers new ninjama forms do absolutely nothing to assist against the Gatekeeper creatures, and the tide turns on the do-gooders almost instantaneously. You would expect the Ninjetti in My Spaghetti Rangers to bust out some kind of fancy martial arts from deep within to battle these horrible beasts, but no. They get their asses kicked for way too long. Maybe because their powered-up form was draping a tiny piece of cloth over their mouths, but there's no way to know for sure. 

Adam gets clowned pretty badly by one of the Gatekeepers and gets chased up a tall precipice by the creature. Rocky comes to Adam's rescue by climbing a long vine and leaping at the Gatekeeper besieging his pal. This attack does nothing though, because Rocky immediately stumbles back from his body slam on the Gatekeeper and ends up hanging from the edge of the rockface. Because everything that Rocky did, has done, or ever will do is a complete cock-up. Or as we in the biz say it, "Rocky Really Cardenas'd it up."

While the Gatekeeper is busy trying to chop Rocky's arms off and earn this movie a PG-13, Adam spin kicks the beast in its big snout and sends it spiraling off the cliff into the waters below. Since the movie doesn't have enough time to dwell on this fight scene for much longer, the Gatekeeper's body starts to dissolve because the water is actually acid or something? Whatever. I'm ready to be off this stupid planet so let's keep this shit moving.

Aisha calls for help because she's a girl and it's the 90's, so Rocky comes charging in to the rescue. Well that worked out really well 12 seconds ago, I'm sure this time your heroics will pay off. Rocky kicks the 2nd Gatekeeper, and nothing happens because of course it doesn't. Take your apeshit elsewhere Rocky, this fight scene was doing just fine without you.

Kimberly reaches a huge boulder that she plans on rolling on top of the 3rd Gatekeeper, but she has a bit of difficulty dislodging it. Then she uses her inner strength to be a powerful and competent warrior using her cunning and strength to defeat one of the mindless foot soldiers pursuing her.

Hahaha yeah right. Tommy comes and saves her because she can't do anything without him.

Tommy Tarzan's his way onto the scene and knocks the Gatekeeper away from Kimberly, then shoves her aside so he can topple the boulder himself. Sorry girl, but this is my movie and I'm the one of the front of the poster. So sit back down and let me do anything impressive. Tommy informs this satellite character that only exists to make him look better that the Gatekeepers are "strong, but not too smart." The braniac Tommy then starts to save Kimberly, but he's soon distracted by one of the Gatekeepers dangling a pair of particularly shiny keys.

Oh I'm sorry, I was mistaken when I mentioned earlier that Kimberly doesn't get to do anything in this scene. What I meant to say was that Tommy launches the boulder at the Gatekeeper, and Kimberly is allowed to say "Let's rock his world." In case you're disgusted with what you just read, then you should be thanking me for the plethora of terrible rock-based puns that I excluded. 

Whatever, the 2nd Gatekeeper is dead. We're almost done with this scene.

Billy and Adam soon come face to face with Gatekeepers 3 and 4, but they devise a ridiculous plan to stop them. From up above, Billy tosses a huge vine to Adam that lands across a huge tree branch. The two Rangers use the vine as a makeshift pulley to get Adam out of harm's way, just in time for this to happen.

FATALITY

With only one Gatekeeper left to fight, the Ninjama Rangers dogpile on the monster. Tommy instructs Billy and Kimberly to launch a twin kick at the final Gatekeeper. Because if there's one character who needs Tommy to tell them how to do things, it's Billy. Billy just Isaac Newton'd one of those Gatekeepers to slice his brother in half and you think he needs to be told that kicking hurts things?

Well all this talk of kicks has clearly gotten Tommy hot and bothered, because he's got a plan to finish this fight. After his disposable pawns teammates have wounded the Gatekeeper, Tommy leaps from a tall tree and unleashes a Ninjetti Corkscrew Kick. No, I didn't come up with that name. Tommy screamed it before attacking the rock monster like a goddamned DBZ character. He named his own fucking attack that was nothing but him spinning around before kicking something.

Even worse is that Tommy's ludicrous kick that involved him spinning in mid-air 40 times manages to kill the Gatekeeper. All the fancy tricks the other Rangers had to pull out to defeat the other 3 and Tommy kills one by kicking it into a wall. Wait no let me dial it back. He spin-kicks it so hard that it EXPLODES INTO FUCKING DUST.

Wasn't Tommy talking about how they need to outsmart the Gatekeepers no less than two minutes ago? What happened to that? Why did he finish this fight with nothing but another display of dipshit karate? Why do I continue to be surprised by this?

With the Gatekeepers defeated, the ground beneath the monolith quakes and rumbles. The Ranger Teens ponder what's happening, and what dumb new armored gorillas they have to fight next. The gate in front of the Ranger Teens opens to reveal a large golden statue that bears a symbol with each of the Ranger's totem animals in it. This moment baffles me a bit, because we're supposed to believe two different things.

1) The Ranger Teens all had animal spirits inside of them that are based on their characteristics and skills.

2) Those exact same animals were on a monument that is easily centuries old and predates the Rangers existence.

So are they fulfilling some sort of anchuent prophecy that only a frog, bear, ape, or whatever can claim the Great Power? Or is this movie being incredibly lazy and filling out a checklist of things that should happen in a children's action film?

But at least that totem looks pretty friggin' dope.

Get out of here Pepe you anti-semitic sack 'a shit.

Golden spiritual representations of the ninja animals fly from the stone tablet and surround the Ranger Teens. Adam expositorily informs us that these are "new Zords!" Which he knows because whoever was editing this movie realized it wasn't clear what in the Sam hell was supposed to be happening.

The golden spirits fly into the Ranger Teens and bestow their Power Ranger suits upon them once more. After this long and tedious trek through a distant and mystical planet, the Rangers are stuck in the same old Halloween costumes they've been in for two years? This Great Power Dulcea was talking about sure sucks a stone cold cock.

The Rangers teleport off of Phaedos, ignoring the fact that the Rangers inability to teleport was a critical concern before they arrived on the planet. I always assumed the teleportation thing was dependant on Alpha 5 and Zordon, and in case you've forgotten, Zordon is currently dying on a bed of crystals right now. Or maybe this movie is doing things in an extremely convenient fashion because there's only 20 minutes left and we still have toys to sell.

Back on Earth, Ivan's horrific CGI monstrosities are causing a ruckus in downtown Aussie Grove. Ivan and Goldar watch the destruction from a huge tower as I realize something. That godforsaken pig from my nightmares is nowhere to be found. Is it because I finally stopped taking the medication my quack doctor gave me? Now the horrible things that besieged my eyes are finally vanishing. I don't have to live in a world where some be-monocled pig is oinking about how fat he is and the fact that he likes to belch and spit. 

Scorpitron and Hornitor continue their hideously-animated rampage. Boy howdy if you want to see how far technology has come in the last 20 years then you came to the right place. These Ectomorphicons look so terrible that I actually feel bad for this movie. It's built these creatures up as some gigantic doomsday weapons that are going to be incredibly imposing. Then what we're left with are these ugly pieces of shit. This movie wanted so much for those two to work, but they're nothing short of embarrassing. Ivan is already a great villain, and these goofballs only exist so we can cram in a Zord fight. They take me out of the movie in a big way, and they're probably one of the worst things in this whole 100 minutes.

As night falls, the Power Rangers finally arrive back in Angel Grove. They're surprised to find their city in ruins, but quickly discover the cause when Scorpitron comes snipping at them. Hornitor also makes his presence known by slowly lumbering around and intermittently firing lasers out of his eyes. If this sounds even the slightest bit impressive, make sure to slow down whatever you're imagining by a good 500%. For otherworldly death machines these Ectomorphicons sure could use a little spring in their step. The Rangers can go get superpowers from another 8 planets before these assholes even make it through Angel Grove National Park.

The Rangers remember that they got magical new animal Zords a couple of minutes ago, so they decide to take those out for a spin against these Bid Bad Oozle-borgs. The Ninjazords are summoned and we finally get to see what the Great Power entails.

WHAT IN THE GREEN FUCK HELL ARE THOSE?

TO BE CONTINUED