Saturday, November 12, 2016

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers the Movie Part 2


Centuries'-Old Sorcerer Hocks Loogie
Purple Chicken Emissary Kicked in Face










This series of posts is a collaborative effort with Big Bob Pataki over at Terrible Blog for Terrible People. He's the one who keeps this post and all the posts before it from looking like complete trainwrecks. He'll be posting these movie write-ups on his website as well, with additional editor's notes and jokes I was too lazy to include. Thanks to his tireless work in finding the most creative way to refer to purple slime as ejaculative material.



Last time on the first 20 minutes of Power Rangers The Movie, The Ranger Teens jumped out of a plane to prevent the Youth Center from being destroyed by Lord Zedd or the crusty old dean or whatever. Meanwhile, Lord Zedd opened a giant purple egg that housed a nefarious villain named Ivan Ooze. Ooze came face to face with the Ranger Teens and summoned a batch of Oozemen to combat them. The teens morphed into Power Rangers, but found that the Oozemen had escaped while they were making a big to-do of things. It was at this point that most of the adults in the theater left their children and said they would be back in about an hour.

While the Rangers search for the Oozemen, Alpha 5 and Zordon enjoy a quiet night alone inside of the Command Center. Alpha brews a pot of tea as he listens to Zordon wax poetic about morphological beings made of purple pus.  Alpha interrupts as he asks Zordon why he looks so terrifying ever since they moved to Australia. He looks like a giant puffy Voldemort and Alpha doesn't have time for it. That's when the massive head begins to weep. Zordon looks at Alpha 5 in utter dismay as he asks "How am I supposed to live up to society's view of beauty? I'm a fucking monster head conjured in Guillermo Del Toro's night terrors. All that I can do is eat my feelings until I wither away and die." Zordon hiccups over the last word, as he realizes his sinful life will send him straight to giant head hell when he will finally, and thankfully, escapes this prison called life. Alpha sheds a tear for his mentor, as he embraces Zordon's tube in a solemn hug.

~For Your Consideration~

Zordon shakes off his issues with body dis-morph-ia when he notices Ivan Ooze's energy signal right outside of the Command Center. Alpha 5 soothes his nerves by reminding Zordon and the audience that nobody can enter their chamber without a Power Coin. The Command Center exists as a temple that stands against all the vile creatures who would see fit to do harm to the world. So long as it stands, no fiend will ever be able to breach its hallowed halls.

Ah Fuck.

Big Bad Oozoo Daddy comes waltzing into the Command Center and compliments Zordon on all of his chintzy crap. Though all hope seems lost, Alpha 5 bravely karate chops Ivan in the chest. Somehow the comic relief robot slave is unable to do much harm to this centuries old demon, and all his attack manages to do is cause Ivan to belch. Ivan retaliates with a tiny bolt of energy from his finger, sending Alpha 5 spiraling out of control and hopefully out of my misery.

Zordon starts talking some wicked shit for someone who has no torso. He berates Ooze for always picking on people weaker than he is. Ooze responds by casually telling "Z" to put a sock in it, and laments the fact that he escaped that egg just to listen to another one of his boring speeches. In all seriousness, this exchange is actually really well done. Zordon and Ooze truly give off the vibe that they're mortal enemies. They actually seem like they have a history together, and aren't just a giant head in a tube and some purple sorcerer who will never be seen as soon as this movie ends. Zordon talks down to Ooze and treats him like a one trick pony, while Ivan nonchalantly shrugs off Zordon's moralizing. So my favorite part of Power Rangers: The Movie thus far is when the purple slime wizard got in a fight with the big ghost head.

Ivan grouses at Zordon for locking him up in that Easter egg for 6000 years. He was sealed away in his prime and now he has to build a new army of evil villains from scratch. Ooze decides to punish Zordon, and does so by pulling out a magical flute. HEY MOM! WHEN WE GET OUT OF THE MOVIE CAN WE GO BUY THE IVAN OOZE TOY?! I HOPE HE COMES WITH HIS MAGICAL FLUTE THAT HE USED ON ZORDON! M-MOM? WHERE ARE YOU MOM? I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE COULD WATCH THIS MOVIE FOR MY BIRTHDAY……MOM?

Ooze lets loose as he fires purple lightning all around the Command Center, causing several of its support beams to crash and shatter. During his rampage, Ivan mentions all of the wonderful moments he had missed due to his incarceration. The Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Brady Bunch Reunion.

I'm not proud of myself, but I love that line. Apparently Paul Freeman (Ivan Ooze) ad-libbed the line on set, and everyone found it too funny to exclude. I think the reason it made me laugh is because Power Rangers type of humor is almost nothing but corny yuk-yuk gags performed with zero charisma. Ivan Ooze acts like it crushed his soul to miss the Bradys coming back together, and for some reason it really tickles my ivories. 

Ooze gleefully demolishes the majority of the Command Center and cackles as Zordon's signal starts to fade away and vanish from inside of his tube. Quick Alpha! Use another one of your patented karate chops to save the day! Yeah right. Nice try numbnuts.

While Zordon is being violently murdered by a purple snot hellspawn, the Power Rangers are awkwardly wandering around and seeking out a bunch of slimy purple Rastafarians. The Rangers walk around aimlessly down a dark passageway, completely unable to find any of the Oozemen. Aisha offers up a solution as she she calls out for the Power-Beams to activate, and all the kids in the audience get hyped. The Rangers have new powers in this movie? You're telling me we get to see them pull out badass new gear to conquer the forces of evil? Oh man, what are these Power-Beams?! A pair of shitty flashlights duct-taped to her helmet.

Of course they give this bush-league bullshit to the Yellow Ranger.

For some reason, Aisha's pathetically dim headlights do little to help the Rangers find the Oozemen, and the Rangers continue to wander around so that we can keep padding out this runtime. Rocky activates his "Power-Scope" ability, equipping him with a cheaper version of Geordi's visor from Star Trek: The Next Generation. This gadget also does next to nothing that furthers the plot, but the studio wanted the Rangers to have new shit on their suits to get asses in the theaters. Who wouldn't want cool toys like Rocky's worthless Power Scanner, and Aisha's dead batteryflashlight helmet?

Also big thanks to Big Bob for informing me that Tommy refers to Rocky as "Rock-O" in this scene. Now I want him to send me the money to repair my laptop after I accidentally shoved a fist through it.

Rock-O finally manages to find one of the Oozemen, which prompts all of the Oozemen to come out of the woodwork and attack. So after that big hubub about searching for the Oozemen, the Rangers find them and start fighting them in a different location? So why did we even lose them in the first place? You might think that means the Rangers hunting for these creatures was completely pointless filler inserted into the movie because the writer didn't know how to fill 100 minutes. Well I'm here to tell you that this movie, which opened with our main characters skydiving and rollerblading for 45 minutes, exhibits only the finest in time management. Let's not forget this movie followed Power Rangers Season 2, which would frequently stretch 15 minutes of material into 3 episodes.

A battle between the morphed Rangers and the Oozemen ensues, and it simply doesn't grip me like the previous fight did. Seeing the unmorphed Rangers fighting some purple snotballs had a lot more charm to it than watching the White Ranger do a bunch of unnecessary spins.

Did you think I was kidding?

Usually the morphed choreography is really good, but there was something a lot more fun and energetic that seems to have gone out the window in this fight. There is one pretty great improvement in this fight though; they stopped playing those goddamned fart noises every time one of the Oozemen got punched. Now I can be 4% less embarrassed watching this piece of shit in public.

Since we're almost at the half hour mark of the movie, the Rangers decide it's about time to start killing these jabronis. The first Oozeman is finished off by Tommy (of course) after he's kicked into a wall and explodes into purple Gak. Oh and before I forget, the other Rangers had to team up to fight the Oozemen. Tommy took on 3 at once. Y'know. NBD.

Aisha finishes off another Oozeman by kicking it through a grated fence and bursting him into chunks. It's a lot like the opening kill in Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, only significantly more violent.

Rocky and Adam take on a trio of Oozemen, and immediately you readers know something is up. Why on Earth would I be mentioning a scene with Rocky and Adam in it? I've saved myself a collective 3 minutes by not writing about any scenes with Rocky in them. Well I'll tell you why. Because there are two things in this scene that are ridiculously stupid.

First and foremost, Rocky and Adam announce that they're going to double-team one of the Oozemen. Red Ranger calls out to Black Ranger…and Black Ranger responds with Rocky's voice. It's comical how little of a shit this movie gave to the characters who weren't Tommy, but this moment stands out in particular. What's even "better" is the Rangers actual attack. A moment that is so goddamned jarring that it still perplexes me 20 years after I first saw this thing in theaters.

T-T-T-THAT'S ALL FOLKS

I could finish this post by exclusively talking about how stupid this moment is, but I think instead I'm going to just say, "What the fuck?" What is this goofy-ass cartoon bullshit? Why does the music in this moment sound like it's from Crash Bandicoot? Why do the Rangers' boots turn into cardboard cutouts before they hit his head? Is that Oozeman dead? If so, is his head sitting on the ground leaking out purple brain matter after that cartoony nonsense? That's what I want more than anything. The Rangers Large Marge this idiot, and then it cuts to him slowly bleeding out on the floor.

During the battle, Billy and Kimberly both pull out another new toy. Billy's Stega-Stinger grappling hook, and Kim's Pterodactyl Thunder Whip. They're pathetically ineffective against the Oozemen, just like every other new thingamajig the Power Rangers have busted out since this movie started. Do you want to know how to get kids to buy your shitty toys? Have them be effective at doing something. I don't want to buy the toy that Billy used to slowly rappel up to a tall ledge.

Where does he get all those wonderful toys?

Oh and before I forget, Kimberly uses her thunder whip to trip a couple of the Oozemen. She informs them to have a nice trip, and that she'll see them next fall. Because of course she does. Jesus Christ almighty.

The Rangers regroup at the top of the construction site by flipping backwards. Except for Tommy, because he gets an additional 35 flips before landing. Y'know, cause he's Tommy. The Rangers decide it's time to finish the Oozemen off. The creatures gurgle at them from a lower level, not noticing that they're all standing underneath a precariously positioned platform.

Tommy (naturally) whips out Saba, and prepares to finish the fight all by himself.

HEY GUYS, SINCE I PLAY TOMMY IN THE MOVIE AND I GOT A BIG SWORD FOR KARATE, CAN I USE SWORD TO KILL THE BAD GUYS?

Jason you crafty minx! That's brilliant. Why waste time having the other Rangers do things when we could have the White Ranger show off his dominance yet again?

Well maybe the Blue Ranger could use his Power Lance to def-

YOST WHY DON'T YOU SIT RIGHT THE FUCK BACK DOWN AND THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS WE EVEN GAVE YOU THAT STEGA-STINGER. THAT WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE YOURS. IF YOU DON'T STOP YAPPING WE'RE PUTTING SABA THROUGH YOUR CHEST AND HAVING JASON FRANK ROBERT DENIRO KICK YOU UNTIL YOUR EYEBALLS FALL OUT.

Tommy flings his saber, which flies around the Oozemen and herds them all into a circle. Once the Ooze has been confused, Saba flies up and cuts the rope to the platform. Not with its blade mind you, but with EYEBEAMS. Why would you ever use a sword to cut something you morons? Here in the 90's it's all about tiger heads shooting laser beams out of their sword eyes.

So whatever, the platform falls on top of the Oozemen and SQUISH! All however many of these idiots are dead, and it only took us half an hour to get here. Can you imagine if it took half an hour to wrap up a fucking Putty fight? Holy smokes how much time have I wasted? What am I doing with my life?

With the Oozemen defeated, the Power Rangers decide they should go look for that Ivan Ooze guy. Remember him? The one that promised to cast the Earth into a thousand years of darkness? Guess we didn't feel like going after him when we had those spaghetti-haired oozers to deal with. Oh well, I'm sure we won't regret that decision.

Don't worry Aisha, your boobs are still there

What's that? Their powers are disappearing! The Rangers are perplexed by this turn of events and try to contact Alpha 5. Their Communicators fail to reach him, so the Rangers hightail it back to the Command Center to see what the deal is. Which they apparently have to do on foot since they can't teleport.

Upon arriving, our heroes find the doors smattered with a viscous coating of ooze. Once they get inside, the Rangers see that the entire Command Center has been absolutely trashed. Aisha asks what's going on around here, because she has the deductive reasoning of a 3 year old.

The Rangers notice that Zordon's tube has been shattered, and they run up to find the horrible truth. That Zordon has secretly been a confused old man in a heated blanket this entire time.

Kalabar from Halloweentown looking old man.

Billy explains that Zordon has been ripped out of his time warp, and the pelvic thrust has driven him insa-a-a-ane. In human terms: He dying. That's right, Power Rangers: The Movie actually busted out the d word. Zordon hasn't become time-phased, he isn't being destroyed, he isn't vanishing into another dimension, he's fucking dead. Just when you thought this movie was going to be nothing but the Power Rangers fighting a bunch of fuchsia-colored goo-gobblers for 100 minutes, BAM! Zordon's dying to death. And Alpha 5 is probably dead too but who gives a shit?

The Rangers crowd around Dying Old Man Zordon and tear up that the man who forced them into murder-servitude (murditude) is finally shuffling loose this mortal coil. Tommy offers an incredibly unhelpful solution by suggesting that they "Get him back inside." Get him inside what Oliver? The tube is shattered and Zordon's a big gray raisin now. Maybe that Candyland shit might work in the T.V. series, but we're on the big screen now, bitch.

The dying Zordon speaks in a weak and belabored voice about how the power is now gone. The Zords, the weapons, everything has been destroyed by Ivan. Zordon admits that the Power Rangers are now done for, and Ooze has truly won the battle. Christ. This movie isn't even a third over and the mentor has already lost all hope in his own franchise.

Kimberly becomes incredibly emotional and begs Zordon not to leave them. She mentions that ever since he's entered their lives he's been like a second father to them. How goddamned greedy are you Kimberly? You already have two dads and now you're sobbing that daddy number three is on the way out the door? How many Christmases do you need little lady?

The battered and bruised Alpha 5 calls out to the Rangers, and thanks them for their absolute lack of concern in his safety. The genocidal, warmongering head is dying, but the sentient, emotional robot can rot in the trash. Alpha mentions that there is a power out there that could potentially save Zordon's life, but it's on a very dangerous planet located deep out in the cosmos. Planet Phaedos is said to house an incredible power, but all those who have attempted to gain it have perished in the process. Possibly because they weren't a bunch of multiracial teenage dweebs with a can-do attitude.

Alpha says that he might have just enough cosmic-fluid-morphological-energy-plasmotrons to teleport the Rangers to Phaedos, but he won't have enough energy to bring them back. When the Rangers offer the salient point of how they're supposed to return to Earth from 90 million light years away, Kimberly says they'll just have to hope the Great Power truly is there. So you're risking the galaxy's safety on what your robot read in the space tabloids? I know Zordon is dying and everything but maybe you guys could hit the library real quick and see how likely any of this malarkey is.

Alpha uses the last of the Command Center's energy to teleport the Rangers to Phaedos, but reminds them that Zordon doesn't have much time. Tommy uses his terrible high-pitched acting voice to reassure his team that even if they don't have their powers, they're still the Power Rangers. What? No you're not. Zordon literally just told you that you're not. Tommy, your positivity is really starting to piss me off and I'm about to turn this movie around if I have to put up with your bullshit for much longer.

The Ranger Teens teleport to Phaedos, passing by Rita and Zedd's palace on the moon. The evil overlord and his wife panic that the Rangers are trying to reclaim their powers. Rita pins the blame on Ivan Ooze, who retaliates by doing his best Multiple Miggs impressions and chucking a blob of purple goo at her lips. Zedd remarks, "Finally! Someone shut her up." Because jokes about how loud and annoying your wife is were the pinnacle of humor in the 90's. Now I'm waiting for Zedd to flush a toilet and talk about how he won that football game at Polk High.

Ivan mentions that Zedd and Rita's ineffective reign is a sign that someone else needs to take charge. Ooze ponders for a moment as he says "And I pick…Me!" He emasculatingly laughs right in Lord Zedd's stupid face, and just to dig the wound in deeper, Ooze waltzes over and sits on Lord Zedd's throne.

Now let's break down what happened in that last scene. In the span of 20 seconds, Ivan Ooze launched a big chunk of purple splooge at Zedd's wife, declares his evil ambitions to be half-assed, and usurped him from his position just for kicks. If anyone wanted some PG-Rated cuckoldry, this is as close as you're going to get.

Unsurprisingly, Zedd takes this abject humiliation rather poorly. He responds by declaring "No one double crosses Lord Zedd and lives!" before firing a bolt of lightning at Ooze. Ivan giggles like a toddler as he begs Zedd to stop tickling him. Then Goldar hides his rampaging erection at the thought of his boss tickling a man made completely out of jizm.

Ivan Ooze tells Rita and Zedd they're in dire need of a vacation. He makes good on his word by zapping the pair of them and trapping them in a snowglobe. That's a wrap on Rita and Zedd everyone. Did any of you fat kids in the audience like Lord Zedd? Too bad, welcome to Oozetown.

Oozebud

Ivan offers Goldar and the fat pig monster an option: They can be trapped inside that snowglobe with Rita and Zedd, or they can ally themselves with him to act as comic relief for the rest of the film. Goldar says he never liked those two losers anyway, because he's the world's biggest lickboot. Mordant agrees and says "I'm not an actual character so I'll do whatever you say Mr. Ooze. Thank you for allowing me to remain relevant despite my complete lack of necessity in this film. By the way, my name is Mordant. Did you know that? I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, because nobody in this godforsaken movie has taken the time to say it in case anybody in the audience was wondering who in the blue fuck I am."

Goldar inquires what Ivan plans on doing to stop the Power Rangers before they obtain the Great Power of Phaedos. Mordant presumably also says something at this point, but it could have also been some other form of white noise. Ivan responds to this question by hocking a disgustingly thick purple booger across the palace onto the floor. The booger starts to bubble and expand before it transforms into 10 bird-like creatures. The Tengu Warriors.

THE PURPLE PARROTS WILL BE GOING INTO OLMEC'S TEMPLE

Holy shit! Those are some pretty solid looking costumes. They actually look like monsters, not purple ravers with dreadlock wigs. I'm actually impressed with the way these villain costumes are looking for the most part. Now maybe we can go back and fix this script's first 15 minutes of nothing happening.

Ivan instructs his Tengu Warriors to take flight to Planet Phaedos or wherever and intercept the Power Rangers. Good to see that this movie operates on such a basic formula.

10: Ivan Creates New Foot Soldier Group
20: Foot Soldiers Fight Rangers For 20 Minutes
30: GOTO 10

The Rangers soon find themselves on the deserted planet of Phaedos, where they soon find the bones of the travelers who came before them. Upon seeing one creature's skeleton, Aisha quips, "Looks like somebody had a bad day." Whoa now Power Rangers: The Movie. You only recently used the word "dying" in your film. Why don't you give it a little bit of time before you have your heroes callously mocking the deaths of those who battled in vain to save their planets?

Back on Earth, Ivan has set up base inside of an abandoned factory where he's joined by Goldar and Pudgy Pig's nephew. Ivan nonchalantly dismisses both of Zedd's lackeys as he discusses how he needs more help to  take over the world. Ooze decides to use the parents of Angel Grove in order to help him dig up his dormant Ectomorphicons. Oh Christ, there are two of them? Great. Yet another new word I need to add to my Spellchecker.

The Ranger Teens continue to wander Phaedos in search of the Great Power, whatever the hell it's supposed to be, but they continue to come up short. Kimberly stops walking for a moment and Tommy asks what she's thinking about. He gets a big smile as he asks her if it might start with a "k." Kim looks back and forth before realizing she has to disappoint her dumbass boyfriend yet again. Oh well, at least he's sure to return the favor sometime in the next 30 seconds.

Kim says that she's worried about Zordon and everything he must be going through right now. Jason David Frank puts on his Serious Acting Voice™ and promises Kimberly that Zordon will be sure to pull through. I'd like to take a moment to elaborate on Jason David Frank's Serious Acting Voice, because it's really something to behold. His tone gets higher and softer, both by about 3 octaves. Then he puts on the same puppy dog eyes that must have gotten him cast in this franchise. But most of all he gives a look like everything will be okay, because he's a human dog that thinks nothing could ever possibly go wrong. But when he looks at me like that...maybe it'll all be fine.  

Well maybe I spoke too soon, because it's at this moment that the Tengu Warriors attack! The kreepy krows lunge at the teens and nearly knock them right off the rock formation they're standing on. Inevitably, the Tengu Warriors land on Phaedos' surface where they're greeted with Tommy's famous hospitality.

WELCOME TO EARF!

Before I move on, I want to relish in that .gif up there for just a moment. That Tengu hadn't even landed before getting a beak full of foot. It's such an immediate and violent reaction to these things that I couldn't help but laugh. I actually rewound this scene a few times so I could keep laughing at it. Even the guy in the Tengu suit seems like he didn't know what was about to happen. Like Jason David Frank was disappointed with how little karate was happening on-set and he had to shake things up. So he spinkicked a guy wearing a bird costume so hard that he broke his nose. Sorry sucker, but Jesus Don't Tap.

But you know what? I can't pretend I'm some brilliant scholar watching this movie to laugh at its unintentionally funny moments. Because I'm the idiot who laughed at one of these cartoony gags and I couldn't be more disappointed in myself. After Billy flips over one of the Tengu Warriors, it continues flying and doesn't seem to be able to stop itself. Then this happens.

That dead-eyed look gets me every time.

The Ranger Teens try their best to battle the Tengu, but it goes noticeably terrible in the span of 6 seconds. Finding that their martial arts skills have failed them, the Ranger Teens resort to obnoxiously quipping at the Tengu. Power Rangers as a franchise is no stranger to having its heroes lipping off at the villains, but this movie has way too much of it way too often.

This is where the problem arises when you make a 20 minute TV show into a 100 minute movie. When I watch an episode of Power Rangers, the obnoxious shit typically only lasts for a minute or two. Depends if it's a Rocky episode or not. When you quintuple that runtime, you're going to be filling it with an awful lot more of the shit I don't want to deal with. I can chuckle at the Rangers using a handful of 90's-isms, but I can't possibly deal with an hour and forty minutes of this bullshit. It was significantly more awful during the Oozemen fight, but this segment has plenty of grating quips that make me want to drill my eardrums out. I don't need Billy to mention how much he misses morphing or for Aisha to call a Tengu a birdbrain. Every once in a while I wouldn’t mind if these Rangers would shut their fucking yaps.

One of the Tengu grabs Kimberly by the shoulders and flies her high up into the sky. Tommy promises to help her, but thankfully we don't need to see another scene where he saves the day because he immediately gets dogpiled by a pair of Tengu. You'd expect Kimberly getting dragged around to result in some tension, but not really. She's getting flown around and yells at the Tengu while calling him Big Bird. What a coincidence, I've been flipping this movie a big bird for the last 20 minutes. 

While the Ranger Teens are violently beaten by the Tengu, a strange robe-clad nomad jumps into the fray to attract the birds' attention. Hey has anyone ever seen a movie called Star Wars before? No? Thank God, because they would have every right to sue us back to the Stone Age.

Well when I say the nomad is clad in robes, what I mean to say is she has a robe on for about 4 seconds before promptly ditching it. Why's that? Because we needed to get the dads' attention somehow, and the only way to do that is with some sweet ninja titties.

Wear a robe or wear an armor bikini. You can't do both.

This beautiful woman is Dulcea, and she wastes no time in beating the beaks off these dipshit birds. She uses her staff to knock the whole flock around, and saves the Ranger Teens' lives. After slapping them around a bit, Dulcea twirls the two halves of her staff around to produce a screeching whistling noise that causes the Tengu to convulse and screech. The birdy boys make a hasty retreat, because some ninja alien lady had a couple of dog whistles in her sticks or something. Look I don't know, I didn't write this shit.

Rocky attempts to thank Dulcea, and he's met with a staff slap to the face. Not because she perceives him as a threat, but because she was confused by his birdlike features. Dulcea demands that the travelers go back to wherever it is they came from, because this movie needs another two minutes of unnecessary conflict.

Oh okay, I was being a bit hyperbolic. It would be insane to think that a character who detests our heroes would hate them and then immediately change their opinions in two minutes. That's absolutely crazy.

It actually takes about 30 seconds.

As soon as Aisha mentions the name Zordon, Dulcea changes her tone and accepts the Ranger Teens as genuine heroes. She inquires what the hell happened to her old pal Zordon, and the Rangers inform her that Ivan Ooze turned him into a dying old man wearing a giant pillowcase. Dulcea balks at the name Ivan Ooze, referring to him as an absolute monster. You know what word has been completely devalued by Power Rangers? Monster. You can't expect me to take Ivan Ooze seriously by calling him a monster when you also refer to creatures like Pudgy Pig the same way.

Back on Earth, Ivan has begun to unfold his wicked plot. Not by digging up his ancient murder machines, but by selling shitty bootleg Gak to children.

Purple Wizard Needs Ooze Badly

Ivan offers jars of his ooze to a crowd full of unimpressed children. His selling techniques include being a horrifying old monster man with a purple beard, and speaking entirely in rhyme. Something that only wizards and pedophiles are known to do. Also pumpkins.

The numerous preteens seem suspicious of this man offering blobs of purple ejaculate to them, for some peculiar reason. Ivan realizes how poor this is going, and tells the children that they can have a jar for free. The group of children cheer and nab jar after jar of this grody purple cock snot. Fred, that kid from about 40 minutes ago that you all forgot about, appears suspicious of his new gooey toy. The scene concludes with a relatively amusing line from the disguised Ivan.

"Take it home in boxes, take it home in cases. If your parents try to stop 'ya, just throw it in their faces!"

Then the kids all cheer and the scene ends in a freeze frame like this is a Mighty Ducks sequel. Because it was the 90's and disrespecting your parents was badass.

While Ivan shovels cartons full of useless slime to children, the Ranger Teens accompany Dulcea to Phaedos' temple of Ninjetti. A bullshit word that was come up with by a writer 3 seconds before the script was due. Dulcea directs their attention towards a monolith in the far distance of the matte painting and instructs them to travel there if they wish to unlock the Great Power. She warns that it's heavily guarded by numerous traps meant to dissuade intruders. All sorts of magical things like temple guards, trees that come to life, and even the Shrine of the Silver Monkey.

Before we conclude, let's check up on Fred Sr. and see what's happening in his tedious, suburban life. Because that's why I came to this movie. To hang out with a kid that Tommy allegedly knows as well as his douchebag daddy. Why are they even here? To pretend this movie is actually about something? Who the fuck are you trying to kid?

Fred Sr. notices the jar of Ivan O's Real Brand Ooze and obscenely starts to feel it with his pointer and middle finger. You everloving creep. Just because Mrs. Fred ran out on you doesn’t mean you need to start fingering your son's toys. 2 in the ooze, we all lose.

Thankfully Fred Sr. gets his immediate retribution when the ooze zaps him with purple energy. His eyes turn purple as he becomes completely zombified and walks outside. He's joined by a large group of grown-ups who also apparently couldn't help themselves when confronted with the option on whether or not to finger their children's new can of Monster Play-Doh. The zombie parents walk the streets as ominous music plays to make me feel like I should have any investment in this scene at all.

Inside of the Command Center, Alpha 5 reformats the Viewing Globe and attempts to locate the Rangers' signal. Instead, Alpha and Dying Old Man Zordon are greeted with news reports of missing parents. This is immediately followed by a commercial of Ivan Ooze in his wizard getup offering sales of his prepackaged purple dick barf.

Dying Old Man Zordon wheezes and sputters as he looks at Alpha 5 mournfully. He tries to say what's on his mind, but he barely has enough energy left to speak. Alpha 5 begs him not to talk, but Zordon has something incredibly important to ask of his dearest friend and oldest companion.

"Could you…buy me some of that Ivan's Ooze?"



TO BE CONTINUED






1 comment:

  1. While I really disliked the new weapons, I did like the additions to the helmets.

    ReplyDelete