MMPR Season 2 Episode 25: A Monster of Global Proportions

Goldar Deceived By Chocolate
Four Faced Priest Crushed By Turtle

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm going into this week's episode with a bias. Why is that? Mostly because I know for a fact that even if it's completely god-awful and tedious, it won't need a second part to continue trodding along a boring plotline that I couldn't give a shit about. There's no revival of old monsters to waste my time, there are no lengthened scenes to pad out the episode's runtime, and even if this episode turns out to be trash at least it won't overstay its welcome.

Today, Tommy and Kim are helping organize the World Teen Summit peace conference everyone's been talking about ever since three people asked for more money. For no particular reason, Billy is hosting an event welcoming high schoolers from all over the world to talk about how to achieve world peace. Look Power Rangers, I'm going to level with you. I'm a sucker for the concept of peace on Earth as much as the next person, but I'm tuning into this show to see peace on Earth achieved by the nuclear annihilation of stupid looking monsters in rubber suits. Take this Snoresville bullshit back to Beetleborgs and get back to the karate.

Tommy ponders who he thinks Angel Grove will offer as sacrifices volunteers for the World Peace Summit. As if on cue, Rocky, Adam, and Aisha walk up to Tommy and Kim to thank them for the invitation. Jeez you guys really must have hit it off with those assholes that figured out your secret identities. You asked them to show up for this thing before Jason, Trini, and Zack. As a matter of fact we don't even bother explaining where those three are right now. I mean we in the audience know they're currently in the unemployment office, but the show has clearly stopped caring about pretending they're still around.

Billy introduces a gathering of teens from around the world and refers to an ugly looking statue sitting in front of him. It looks to be a four-headed priest of some sort that only exists to say "What's the monster look like this week? Oh my God what is that supposed to be? Uh...fuck it. Just make a statue that looks like it. Nobody cares."

Did someone paint four Xenomorph toys white and staple them together?

Billy introduces the students who will be going to Switzerland to discuss how to make the world peaceful, which is a task best left in the hands of people who are in-between trigonometry homework and awkward boners. The United Nations doesn't have shit on the kid from Botswana who got a handjob during the J.V. football game. Basically all the people at this table are nothing but a group of cultural stereotypes from a handful of countries. Not in the typical offensive "90's Multiculturalism" way, but in the sense that each character is dressed exactly like you'd assume they are.

The guy from South Africa is dressed in bright colored clothing and a kente kufi hat, the Australian gentleman is wearing a cowboy hat and a khaki Crocodile Hunter vest, and the girl from China has her hair in a bun while wearing a yellow qipao. It's a really sad realization that this show has passed by all the beautiful moments of 90's insensitivity and tried to be more culturally delicate. You can't even give me one "Ew what the fuck?" moment in a room full of characters from countries you know nothing about? I guess we're a long way from the Burger King Kids Club.

Bulk and Skull drop by to chuckle at those multinational nerds trying to fight for world pizza or whatever, but Bulk notices something fishy about those Peace Summit Teens. There's a whole six of them, just like the Power Rangers. They're all super smart and fight for world peace, just like the Power Rangers. They're modestly ethnically diverse while making sure at least half of the team is still lily white, just like the Power Rangers. Bulk and Skull decide they need to keep an eye on these suspicious foreigners in case they're saving the Earth from monsters. Not because that means they're the Power Rangers, but because that's another damn immigrant stealing jobs from hard-working American superheroes and we need to ship em all back pronto!

Oh sorry I forgot to mention, there are six international representatives on the Peace Summit. There's Tomba from Africa, who recently came back from a deadly battle with the pigs who stole his grandfather's bracelet. Chun Mei from China, who is fighting for world peace so her sister Lee no longer has to strangle people to death with her thighs. Charlie from Australia, who's being badgered by Haim Saban about how much it would cost to film a movie on his continent. Boris from Russia, who vows to end the international incident from his country known as Yakov Smirnoff. Pablo from Mexico, who you can see in the screenshot above is not realizing he's being filmed for a television program. Finally there's the chairperson of the group Tamara from Israel, who Billy has a thing for because she's the only actor who was paid to speak more than one line.

Got all that? Good. None of them matter in the future and have no purpose other than being kidnapped.

In a sentence each I gave all of these people more backstory than this show did.

Lord Zedd sees these paragons of virtue who seek to fight for world peace as his gateway to a group of evil Rangers he can call his own. Squatt asks Zedd how they can do this, and why he's still in this show if this is the first line he's had in six weeks. Zedd says the only way to make his own evil Rangers will be to steal the six real Rangers' Power Coins. Which is exactly what it took to power the last set of evil Rangers he made right? Wait no all that took was a dwindling Green Ranger's power. Zedd, I'm starting to think that these evil plans of yours are all interchangeable and you're doing this shit on the fly.

The Ranger Teens, accompanied by Adam, Aisha, and Rocky, take the World Summit leaders out to the park. Now that you have a group of people from different countries hanging out together, we can learn how they're all the same despite seeming so different on the outside. A valuable lesson for any impressionable young mind.

Well nobody gives a shit about that garbage bucko, because we're watching Power Rangers. Instead, Tommy teaches the Peace Summit ambassadors how to do sweet spin kicks.

I'm sorry, this show is just precious. They don't bother talking about other countries or any of that garbage. There's new people around? Time to teach them about how dope karate is. Sorry suckers but there's no time to focus on new experiences when Tommy can show us all how cool it looks to roundhouse kick someone.

Zedd decides the best time to kidnap these six ambassadors would be while they're close to three of the Ranger Teens. Not to mention the Ranger Teens are currently practicing karate moves. They're in the goddamn zone, Zedd. Why do you think this is the smartest time to try and kidnap these international jabronis?

While the more physically-inclined of his friends do karate, Billy talks to Tamara one on one. He asks if all the girls in Israel are as beautiful as she is. She chuckles before telling Billy how sweet he is for trying to get all up in her foreign guts. Sadly there's no time to hit on Israeli chicks, because the Putties show up to cockblock Billy. The Ranger Teens tell the World Summit teens to go hide while they take care of the foot soldiers. Pablo says "no problemo", because of course he does.

The second the ambassadors escape from the Z-Putties, Goldar appears right in front of them and takes them captive in the name of Lord Zedd. Also Squatt and Baboo are there because we had to make sure their costumes weren't damaged after they've been sitting in the warehouse for the past four months. I'm actually pretty sure this is the first time Squatt and Baboo have been on Earth since Season 1. Good to see we're making the most of those two dingleberries.

Instead of Goldar teleporting the ambassadors away, he commands Squatt and Baboo to bring them all to a cave somewhere off in the distance. Oh goody, after a trilogy of boring episodes revolving around hostages kept in caves, we get yet another episode about throwing people into caves. This show really knows how to keep things fresh and interesting.

Adam, Aisha, and Rocky join the Ranger Teens in taking on the Z-Putties. Humorously it appears they have yet to notice their new friends have all been captured by space goblins, but fuck that. We got karate to film. This Putty battle is pretty decent, and really makes the hits feel like they land. We also get one of Tommy's best martial arts showcases yet.

Thanks for fighting fair asshole

After the Ranger Teens and the Stone Canyon trio pat themselves on the backs for how great they were at slaughtering some space golems, they realize the World Summit teens just went missing. Whoopsy-daisy! Guess Tommy could have spent less time throwing grass clippings in some poor stuntman's face and more time focusing on the people in imminent danger.

As Goldar leads the teen ambassadors into the cave, Bulk and Skull hide in the bushes and watch. While Bulk and Skull are no stranger to watching people get led around in chains while they wait in bushes, this time is much different. 

They want to confirm if these foreign guys are really Power Rangers. Skull asks why they won't clean house with these chucklefucks if they really are Rangers, but Bulk says they're probably trying to lull the villains into a false sense of security. Much like every woman who's gotten close to Bulk and said she cared. Every last one of them who said they wouldn't be like before, but instead they ripped his goddamned heart out of his chest and shoved it in his face like it was a fucking cake. Skull asks Bulk why he's crying, but there's no response. Skull pulls his dearest friend close and in that moment the boys know that no matter what happens to them in this cruel world, they'll always have each other.

So anyway, Goldar lugs a bunch of foreign exchange students into the same lousy looking cave set that this show always uses. Squatt whines that he wanted to be in charge of guarding the hostages, and not be stuck inside a dark spooky cave. Man all this time without Squatt and Baboo allowed me to forget what worthless characters they are. They stand around and complain about every stupid episode of a show made for children instead of doing something with their lives. Wait no what I meant was

These two are supposed to be comic relief but can't offer me one everloving laugh. Why did I want them to come back so bad? What has this show done to me?

Aisha, Adam, and Rocky suggest that the ambassadors might have high-tailed it back to the Juice Bar where Tamara went earlier. They depart before Tommy says "It sure is lucky we have them around." Yeah it's a shame they can't be Power Rangers and we have to be stuck with those stupid jerks that are off camera week after week. What were their names again? Jeremy, Three-Knees, and Black?

Tommy, Billy, and Kim sit and wonder what to do when suddenly a message comes floating down via balloons. What? Is that really the easiest way you could communicate this information to the Ranger Teens? Why don't you send Baboo to tell them? Lord knows he isn't busy being relevant.

The note informs the Ranger Teens that unless they surrender their Power Coins, they'll never see the teen leaders again. Big deal. We'll never see half of our team again and you don't hear us cryin' about it. Zordon summons the three teens to show them where the ambassadors are held hostage. Tommy realizes that trying to fight Goldar in a crowded cave might not do well for the safety of the hostages, so he comes up with a scheme. A scheme so crazy, it will absolutely definitely work without fail because this is Power Rangers we're talking about.

Outside of the cave, Bulk and Skull climb above the mountainside to try and find a way in where they won't be spotted by their intergalactic doppelgangers. Hey guys, if those exchange students really are the Rangers they're not going to be able to save you if you fall. You're on top of a huge cliff face all for a chance to see if some people you barely know could possibly be the Power Rangers. You realize even if this theory of yours is accurate, you could slip and fall and be nothing but a red stain on the rockface faster than you can say "pig boxers."

Why am I not surprised Skull's wearing a fedora?

Zordon says that Tommy's plan will require all six of the Power Coins, so Alpha contacts those three schmucks nobody gives a shit about anymore. Stock footage of Jason answers his Communicator and remains silent while Zordon vomits exposition about how he needs to morph right away or else five people he's never met might have to spend another hour alone with Squatt and Baboo. Stock footage of Trini looks uncomfortable before the Rangers morph to the mountainside.

The six Rangers meet up in front of Goldar who asks if they're willing to surrender their powers to him. Tommy offers a small box with the Power Coins inside of it to the hideous dog man and demands that he release the hostages. Goldar cackles and says he has no reason to release the ambassadors now that they have no Power Coins and can't possibly stop him. Hey…this sounds awfully familiar.

Now Goldar has the ambassadors hostage, and the Power Coins in his possession. Huh. That's weird. The last time he tried this the Rangers demorphed as soon as they gave up their Power Coins. This time they remain morphed even after supposedly giving him their coins and Goldar doesn't immediately smell a rat out?

No, of course not, because it turns out that those Power Coins were fakes! Ha ha. How amusing. Now the hostages are safe and sound due to the Ran- what? The ambassadors are still being held hostage? You mean this pointless scheme did nothing to hinder Goldar's plan other than temporarily deceive him? Can somebody tell me when the Power Rangers turned into Bugs Bunny?

Goldar is infuriated at this waste of the audience's time, so he summons the Z-Putties to waste even more. The Rangers take on the Putties as Tommy battles Goldar solo. After Tommy hurls Goldar through the air once, he gathers the Putties and bugs out. Why does Zedd even bother involving you in these plans anymore Goldar? Maybe he should take the time to make a servant who isn't so incompetent.

Speaking of incompetent servants, the Rangers run into the cave where Squatt and Baboo cower from their awe-inspiring might. Oh wait no they don't! They're not even with the hostages anymore. Why would you write them into the script to be part of this episode if they're going to vanish the second that they could do anything even moderately relevant? The only thing these clowns are managing to do is make Goldar look far more competent by comparison.

Speaking of incompetence...again, Tommy blurts out that Zedd's forcefield has been deactivated. Remember all the times I mentioned Zedd's diabolical forcefield previously? You don't? That's because the show didn't mention any forcefields. Goldar tossed the hostages in a cave and laughed about being evil, Zedd said he wanted the Power Coins, and Squatt and Baboo stood around jerking off. Nobody mentioned a damn forcefield once in this entire episode and this show is acting like it can pull the wool over my eyes. You can't just add in a supernatural element without addressing it previously Power Rangers. That's not how any of this works.

The Rangers rescue the kidnapped teens and ask if any of them had heard of the Rangers in their countries as well. A Japanese ambassador says he could have sworn he saw all six of them on shows in his country a couple years ago, and asks why the White Dairanger is hanging around the Zyurangers. Tommy grabs him by the throat and says "We're the only people in spandex fighting monsters around here. You got that motherfucker?" The ambassador quietly muffles his sobs and nods as Tommy drops him to the ground.

While the Rangers and the World Summit teens depart, Bulk and Skull come falling off of the cliffs onto the ground below. The two are able to survive, because God hates them, and they discover the discarded box of "Power Coins" Goldar was fooled with earlier. Bulk, for whatever reason, assumes this is a foolproof way to prove the identity of the Power Rangers, but Skull starts peeling the coins and reveals that they're chocolate. This reveal is pretty dumb and particularly pointless now that the crisis has been resolved, but it's all worth it for a disappointed Bulk getting helped out by Skull.

This is the first time food has flown at Bulk without making a mess of him in months.

The Rangers retreat back to the Youth Center where they drop off the ambassadors. They ask Aisha, Adam, and Rocky to take care of them and keep them safe in case Zedd tries any shenanigans again. The Stone Canyon teens oblige, this time without Aisha needlessly winking at the Pink Ranger to signify that she knows Kim's secret identity. See? It wasn't that hard now was it?

Unfortunately for the Rangers, Zedd has a few more tricks up his sleeve today. He's turned that four-headed statue from earlier into a monster that the Rangers won't stand a chance against. The mighty…Fourhead Monster. That is toeing the line between hilariously dumb and ridiculously terrible pretty fierce.

Are those some of the most phallic heads you've ever seen or what?

Zordon calls for the Rangers to take on Fourhead, and they appear in front of her somewhere in an industrial district. She taunts them from off-screen, but the Rangers decide to clip her wings as fast as possible. The primary five Rangers call on the Power Blaster to knock Fourhead off the building and down to the ground. Man Zedd, you just don't make 'em like you used to do ya?

Zedd refuses to admit defeat and tosses a Growth Bomb to Fourhead. She makes herself gigantic before the Rangers do their thing and summon the Thunderzords. Although the Rangers call for the Thunder Megazord, it's the mighty Megatigerzord that's summoned instead. No wonder they forgot what this formation was called though, we haven't used it in 7 episodes.

Tommy fears that this Fourhead monster might be a bit tougher than she looks, so he immediately uses the Megatigerzord's finishing move on her. The mighty Firebird soars through the air as Fourhead's doom seems imminent.

STRIKE!

The Megatigerzord and Red Dragon Warrior Mode collapse after being struck by the Firebird, and Alpha 5 panics. He asks Zordon what they could possibly do in a situation like this. Thankfully the big floating head has a solution. No, it's not to bury their Zords in a mud pit and burn the Rangers' ID's. He commands Alpha 5 to summon Tor the Shuttlezord.

Ah yes, Tor the Shuttlezord. My favorite member of the team. Hold on a second. Tor the who was it now? What are you talking about Zordon? This is the first time any goddamn one of us has heard pray tell of a Tor. Are you just pulling these upgrades out of your ass and hoping we won't notice old man?

So whatever, Zordon summons the Rangers' new Zord that we didn't build up or else we couldn't have a scene of Billy giving Goldar chocolate Power Coins. What sort of mighty creature is this Tor you ask?

Oh my god he's adorable.

Fourhead rightfully reacts to the gigantic roaring tortoise in front of her by screaming "WHAT IS THAT?" Tor adorably scratches his feet like he's pretending to be a bull as he growls a turtley growl at the monster. If you told me that the cutest thing I'd see this week would be a heavily armored turtle tank then…who am I kidding? I'd have believed you.

While Tor may look a bit silly, his power is nothing to sneeze at. He blasts Fourhead with his cannons and leaves the monster furious. Fourhead charges and prepares to take out this new Zord before it gets in her way again. She doesn't do it with energy beams or fire breath or any of that fancy shit. No she has a different idea in mind.

To be fair how else would you stop a turtle?

The Red Dragon Thunderzord comes to Tor's aid and tips him back over. Tor roars appreciatively as the Red Dragon pats him on the head like he's a gigantic dog. Holy shit everyone please watch this episode so you can see how cute Tor is. Why wasn't this entire episode about Tor? I want a whole season about a big lumbering roaring tank-turtle getting knocked over and crying out for someone to help him up.

Fourhead blasts the Red Dragon for butting in, and Tor growls at the monster for blasting the nice guy who just got him off his back. Tor somehow manages to tilt itself up into a sitting position where…I guess it's a new form? I don't know. It's not as cute though so I don't give a hot cup of piss.

Did Zordon yank those finger missiles from the Dragonzord's corpse?

Tor in Warrior Mode (I guess?) opens his shell and turns towards the Red Dragon Warrior Mode. Red Dragon jumps inside the Shuttlezord and is protected from the blasts of energy launched by Fourhead. Inside of Tor, the Red Dragon is charged with green turtle energy, which presumably heals its injuries. I say presumably because there are no cockpit shots of the Rangers explaining what's going on so we're left to guess.

We awkwardly cut to the next scene where the Assault Team and the Red Dragon Thunderzord Warrior Mode are riding on top of Tor, and the Tigerzord is nowhere to be found. I'll be kinder than the show is and inform you the Tigerzord is currently inside of Tor's shell, but the editors decided to cut this sequence because why show off your new toys during their debut? That's not what this show is about.

This formation is known as the Thunder Ultrazord. All I'm hoping is that it manages to keep the escalating coolness of the Thunderzord finishers going. First we had a saber slash, then we had a firebird ripping through the monsters. Can we top that?

WE SURE CAN!

Back at the Youth Center, the Stone Canyon teens congratulate the Ranger Teens on a job well done. Could you guys do us a favor and stop bringing this shit up in public? The idea of you finding out our identities wasn't to let the whole goddamned city know about it. You can whisper as much as you like, but we're sitting in a crowded bunch of people in folding chairs. Someone can probably still hear you.

Billy announces that today is the last day of the World Summit, and it was a huge success. Particularly that part where all of them got kidnapped. Charlie from Australia says "OY WE SHORE LEARNED A LAWT ABOUT EACH UDDA AY MOITES?!" Hey Rocky, you're fired. We found someone we want to be the new Red Ranger more than you.

The rest of the ambassadors talk about how deep down they're all the same even though they may seem different, and jeez what a load of hooey. What kind of stupid asshole would want to watch a bunch of dumb nonsense like that?

Oh.

Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Chocolate Power Coins

Personal Thoughts

Y'know what? This one's not too bad. Lots of action, Jason David Frank throws grass at people, and the debut of Tor is way more fun than you'd expect from something with absolutely zero buildup. Fourhead is a surprisingly more dangerous monster than you would expect, and leads to one of Season 2's best Zord battles. I'm also amused how little this episode cares about the three actors who quit. We don't mention them once until halfway through the episode when they needed to bring the whole team together. Though I'm not entirely sure why we're still dragging our feet in replacing the actors.

This episode also holds a particularly special place in my heart, because it was the first episode aired in a marathon of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers episodes on my 8th birthday. This was done to promote the upcoming new episodes of Power Rangers in Space, but that wasn't the important part for me. I loved the hell out of MMPR even as a kid. I got to wake up on the morning of my birthday and watch a shitload of cool Power Rangers episodes. I couldn't even tell you how great it felt to see episodes of my favorite show to start off my birthday, and knowing that it would keep getting better from there. That's a memory that will be with me until the last day of my life. No regrets here.

Just for fun, here's a list of the episodes that aired in this marathon. I even remember recording them on a VHS that I lost a long time ago. Maybe I should have a marathon of these episodes at some point to relive those memories. Or I could try leaving the house. Either one.

A Monster of Global Proportions

Gung Ho!

A Star is Born

Enter... the Lizzinator

The Green Candle Part I

The Green Candle Part II

Calamity Kimberly

Football Season

Oh yeah Fourhead, she's kind of a cool monster. She also doesn't appear in U.S. footage. For once I have an explanation as to what happened to her costume though! It was recycled in the season following Dairanger, Kakuranger. Not for an impressive new monster, but a background creature that nobody would ever care about.

In the Sentai series, Fourhead was a much more important monster than was portrayed here. She was the combination of four Japanese priest looking characters who battled with the Megatigerzord once before. There's actually a Zord battle with Fourhead that went unused where she was destroyed by the Firebird finisher. This gives a reason as to why Fourhead knew to knock back the attack in this battle. Not that it was necessary to establish that, but it's still interesting. To me. Not to anyone else obviously.

As great as the Thunder Ultrazord's finishing move was, it was actually censored a little bit. In the Japanese version we get a brief shot of Fourhead getting crushed by the Thunder Ultrazord, as well as a moment where you see her hand sticking out from under the Zord as she's crushed. You don't lose much by cutting it though, and it's not that much more graphic than what we already see.

Thanks for reading this week, and stay tuned for next week when the Rangers still don't get replaced, and my patience wears even thinner.