Bickering Teenagers Assaulted By Brachiosaurus
Power Rangers Obtain Unstoppable Weapons, Immediately Throw In Garbage
Power Rangers Obtain Unstoppable Weapons, Immediately Throw In Garbage
Karate. You like it? Cause today you're going to be getting
a whole lot of it. We're not talking about a lot of karate compared to other
shows though, because Power Rangers has karate like Kim Kardashian's got ass. This
episode has enough karate to make the rest of the series look like Masterpiece Theater.
Jason and Tommy are practicing some karate inside of the
Youth Center as Billy and Zack watch. The Green and Red Rangers are practicing
for a Team Ninja Competition. It's where you and a partner go around and
silently murder people, and the team with the bloodiest shuriken wins. Jason and
Tommy start being out of character aggressive to each other about how they're
not performing up to snuff. What's this? Actual conflict? Between main
characters?
This is really refreshing and almost catches you off guard.
Tommy and Jason bickering is the first time we've seen any of the Rangers
having a real disagreement. It's a bunch of petty macho bullshit, but it's
also coming from teenagers so it makes perfect sense. From minute one of this
episode they're clearly pissed with each other, and it's about as subtle as a
brick to the dick. But it's not worth complaining about subtlety when they're
actually doing something unique.
Jason says he can handle this team competition all on his own, because he's an idiot. He starts busting out some moves on Tommy and the two end up knocking each other to the mat. Zack tells them to stop fucking around because if they can fight a roided out Frankenstein together, they can probably beat up a couple of kids from the kendo club. Tommy and Jason take this in stride in a lover's embrace.
Jason says he can handle this team competition all on his own, because he's an idiot. He starts busting out some moves on Tommy and the two end up knocking each other to the mat. Zack tells them to stop fucking around because if they can fight a roided out Frankenstein together, they can probably beat up a couple of kids from the kendo club. Tommy and Jason take this in stride in a lover's embrace.
Two halves of a beefcake sandwich.
The boys practice using padded bo staffs on each other and
start having a big dick measuring contest over how much better the other is at
it. The little we know about Tommy so far doesn't help us understand he's
acting out of character, but you can tell Jason is acting different. The
characters are being playful and flippant and not taking their training
seriously, but who gives a shit? If they were preparing for something dangerous
that Rita had in store then Billy and Zack being irritated would make sense.
They're just not going to win a competition. I think the Ranger Teens have
enough blue ribbons and trophies to fill a fucking mansion with, they can stand
to lose one.
Tommy and Jason then bust out some wooden swords to practice
with. If it sounds like things are moving quickly that's because they are so
you better just get on board Grandpa. It's fucking karate time! Trini and Kim
walk in and ask why they weren't in the first two minutes of the script, and
Billy ejaculates knowing that women are in his presence.
Jason starts messing around with his sword and acting cocky
trying to show up Tommy. The two knock each other to the ground again because
they can't stop being showoffs to each other. What's great is this is almost
putting everything that the Rangers do into context. They're always super
competitive and have to be the best at every goddamn thing that comes to town,
so naturally when they're forced to work together they can't just put it away.
They have to be the coolest person in the room and it starts to bite them in
the ass. I'd say this was really clever writing, but it's also Power Rangers.
They probably did this on accident.
Trini pops up and tells the burly duo the secret to success, they need to "gung-ho." Which Trini learned from a fortune cookie means "working together." Ancient Chinese teamwork huh? It's good to see Trini's character is slowly but surely progressing into whatever vaguely Eastern nonsense they want to shoehorn into her mouth. She's one car wash away from being a less sexy Mr. Miyagi.
Trini pops up and tells the burly duo the secret to success, they need to "gung-ho." Which Trini learned from a fortune cookie means "working together." Ancient Chinese teamwork huh? It's good to see Trini's character is slowly but surely progressing into whatever vaguely Eastern nonsense they want to shoehorn into her mouth. She's one car wash away from being a less sexy Mr. Miyagi.
Jason and Tommy continue to spar, but Trini's bullshit
Chinese mysticism has done nothing for them and they continue to bitch at each
other. Billy holds up his stopwatch and tells them they only lasted 7.8 seconds
that time, a sentence Billy is all too familiar with. Before Billy gets another
chance to say something humiliating that endears me to him even more, Bulk and
Skull walk in wearing the most ridiculous costumes yet.
This is just beautiful. They're supposed to be promoters or
something but they just look like fucking idiots. Skull dressed like a ref is
dumb, but Bulk looks like a modern art masterpiece. He looks more like a pimp
than anything else. It looks like the people on staff thought the same thing so
they taped the word "Wager" to his hat so nobody got the wrong idea.
Then your eyes travel down to see the dollar sign necklace and the laughter
starts all over.
Bulk tells Tommy and Jason they're no match for HIS ninjas.
Beg your pardon here? Bulk's acquainted with ninjas? Who in their right mind is
going to accept Bulk of all people as your promoter? Least of all a goddamn
ninja with reflexes of steel. Are we supposed to
believe there's someone in Angel Grove who doesn't realize these two are an
absolute joke?
It's also funny that usually in this show Bulk is the person
competing with one of the Ranger Teens in whatever competition they choose to
partake in. Now that we have Jason and Tommy doing a karate match though, we
can't have Bulk and Skull getting in wrestling singlets fighting these two. So
all of a sudden Bulk pimped out some ninjas so he can still be the antagonist,
we can give Tommy and Jason some actual conflict, and we don't accidentally
kill Bulk and Skull.
Two stuntmen jump into the scene dressed in all black. These
are the ninjas, they're not characters because they have no names, no story, no
lines, no faces, and no good reason to exist anywhere other than a chapter of Naruto. These ninjas just look like a discount Sub-Zero and Scorpion.
Trini soothes her friend's nerves by loudly remarking how tough the competition looks for Jason and Tommy. Keep in mind that so far these ninjas have done nothing but stand by Bulk and Skull with their arms crossed. Thanks for the Gung Ho Trini, now leave me alone until I need to buy a Mogwai.
Thanks to Jeparino for this one!
Bulk commands his ninja slaves to show how tough they are, so
they demonstrate a bunch of generic karate that might be more impressive if
these two were anything other than a pair of cloaks. During this scene we get
ridiculous woodwind music in case you weren't sure these ninja characters were
supposed to be of the Asian persuasion.
The rest of the Rangers keep indirectly insulting Tommy and Jason by telling us how amazing these ninjas are. It's a beautiful example of telling instead of showing because the ninjas really aren't any better than what we've seen Tommy and Jason doing. In a show where a Frankenstein threw a giant robot last week, it's going to take a lot more to impress me than a ninja breaking a board with his hand.
The rest of the Rangers keep indirectly insulting Tommy and Jason by telling us how amazing these ninjas are. It's a beautiful example of telling instead of showing because the ninjas really aren't any better than what we've seen Tommy and Jason doing. In a show where a Frankenstein threw a giant robot last week, it's going to take a lot more to impress me than a ninja breaking a board with his hand.
After the Double Dragons finish their practice, Bulk
commands them to showcase the ultimate skill, a double kick on a punching bag.
The audience remains stunned as the twins manage to kick a large static object
at the same time, and Jason and Tommy start to shiver in their boots. The only
way they can work together as well as those ninjas is to become lifeless
killing machines and shred all of their personality, which should take 3
minutes.
Oh almost forgot this show had actual villains in it, Rita's
got a plan today too! The space witch plans on using that Super Putty Finster
dug up last week to breed a new batch of, wait for it, Super Putties. It's
actually really cool to see some sort of continuity in episodes that aren't
explicitly two parters. Rita and the Moon Crew discuss how the new Putties
can't be beaten by anything in the Power Rangers arsenal, when suddenly you
notice a problem. Take a look at this and see if something, or rather someone,
might appear out of place.
Hey remember last week when they killed that Frankenstein?
Well he's just standing there again. They don't mention him or pay him any
mind, but he's just chilling. It's such amazingly shitty utilization of footage.
You have 50 episodes of this show to hack up as you please. There wasn't one
scene you could have pulled from any of those episodes that wouldn't have my
lord and savior Franken Christ standing there? This show knows how bad I want
to see him again and they're just teasing me aren't they?
Kim and Trini walk through the park and explain everything
that's been happening in the plot so far in case you missed it, when suddenly a
group of Putty Patrollers leap on the scene. The girls aren't too worried
considering it's just some dumbass Putties, but immediately start to get their
asses kicked. Kim calls the rest of the Ranger Teens to bail them out, and
prays they don't assume she's kidding when she says she's having trouble with
Putties.
Thankfully the boys show up and start trying to fight back,
but even all together the Rangers can't put a dent in these new Putties. The
episode loses an opportunity to hammer in Jason and Tommy's bullshit rivalry by not having them bitching at each other while fighting the Putties. The entire crux
of this episode is the two not getting along and they drop it the second
trouble arrives. However, Gung Ho
redeems itself with this.
The whole Putty fight is pretty fun. The Ranger Teens mess
around on gym equipment to knock them around and it's a lot more creative when
you get to see them actually struggling. The Teens realize they're getting raw
dogged by these Putties, and decide to forsake all pride and retreat from them
into the Command Center.
Zordon and Alpha stifle their laughs at the fact their six
star superheroes just got roughed up by the fucking Putty Patrol. Zordon tells the Teens that Super Putty is invincible, and makes newspaper comics a lot more fun. Also they're going to get murdered by a bunch of gibbering idiots. The giant head says they have
one hope, and that's if Jason and Tommy can get their shit together to go pick
up some weapons Zordon stashed in the mountains somewhere. The rest of the
Rangers have to go hold the Super Putties off until the special weapons are retrieved die.
Billy, Trini, Kim, and Zack morph to fight the Putties near
a factory, and whip out their Blade Blasters to fire on them. Absolutely
nothing happens and the Super Putties charge at the Rangers. Kim tries using
her Blade Blaster to finish off one of the Super Putties, but it doesn't go
quite as planned.
Directed By Will Vinton
It's actually pretty fucking cool seeing the Rangers going all out on Putties, and probably quite vindicating for fans of the Putties to see them getting beaten badly. If you actually know anyone who is a fan of the Putties please tell them about this, right after you ask them if they've had any thoughts of hurting others.
Zack tries busting out his Power Axe to fight a Super Putty, but splitting it in pieces just causes it to turn into two again. It's a fun fight, which is amazing considering Putty fights typically run from passable to obnoxious.
While their friends are being murdered, Jason and Tommy go for a nice stroll through the mountains looking for Zordon's secret stash. They've both been given half of a map to find the way to the new weapons, but do nothing but waste time talking about how important their contribution is to this mission. Alpha tells Zordon how bad he fucked up putting these two adrenaline junkies together, but Zordon says it was all a genius plan to teach these two how to work together. The rest of the Rangers are also learning a lesson, it's how to die with dignity.
Jason and Tommy locate the shrine where the weapons are, and
the cocky idiots remark how easy this mission is. Their hubris however, is
rewarded by a lumbering behemoth emerging from a cloud of smoke, clearly sick of these idiots and their two man circle jerk.
This big boy's name is Titanus and Jason and Tommy woke him
up with all their dick waving. The boys morph to fight Big T, and avoid
questioning why a giant dinosaur robot is attacking them when their whole deal
is fighting alongside dinosaur robots. Granted there isn't much time to talk
when Titanus is belching fireballs in your face.
The boys are almost up the hill, but with Titanus guarding
the weapons they're shit out of luck. Tommy and Jason decide it's worth ending
their meaningless episode-long rivalry if it means beating the shit out of a brachiosaurus,
so they formulate a plan. Jason is faster than Tommy, so he'll run up the hill.
Tommy's better with a sword than Jason so he'll distract Titanus with Jason's
Power Sword as well as his Dragon Dagger. Tommy doesn't want the love of his
life to get hurt, so he transfers his Dragon Shield to Jason.
Jason hauls ass up the hill while Tommy diverts Titanus' attention. Titanus is so stupid he actually falls for this, and wastes time attacking Tommy. Titanus then turns his attention to Jason and tries shooting fire at him. All his fireballs bounce right off of
the Dragon Shield, but Tommy doesn't want Jason to scuff his shit up so he
starts blasting energy at Titanus' giant face. He calls the massive Zord ugly,
and then Titanus blows more fire at him, because he's got low self esteem and
no Green
dickhead's going to bring him down today.
You'd think that a fight against a giant Zord and two
regular sized Rangers might take a little longer than this, but nope. Jason's
already up the hill and Titanus is apparently too slow to do anything about it.
Who cares, Jason found the box of
weapons that will never be named. They're little blasters, so with regards to
the episode title I'll dub them the "Gung Ho Guns."
Psh, Zordon doesn't even know how to spell Power.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Power Rangers are still getting
beaten half to death by the Putties. Outside of their giant dinosaur robots they've clearly tried everything, and
they're at the end of their ropes. Zack looks back and realizes their only
chance of survival was the option they've had from the very beginning: They
have to offer Billy as a human sacrifice. Just as Zack prepares to take the
Blue Ranger by his throat and throw him to the wolves, an energy beam shoots
out from the sky and dissolves two of the Super Putties.
Jason and Tommy stand atop a girder, armed with the Gung Ho
Guns, and toss them down to the rest of the Power Rangers. In the most
anti-climactic finish of a fight we've seen all season, the Rangers pull the
trigger on their new weapons and blast the Super Putties out of existence. Did
you like them? Who cares, you'll never see them again stupid. You must be as
ugly as Titanus.
Now that the Super Putty plot thread has been swept under
the rug unceremoniously, we have a ninja match to watch! Tommy and Jason brace
themselves while Bulk and Skull call them dorks, and while we're supposed to
focus on the Rangers budding teamwork, all I notice is how fucking annoying
Skull is being.
His typical gag is repeating something Bulk says and Bulk
gives him a little look of irritation. That's dumb, whatever. The problem is he
does about 4 of them in a row during this scene and it's goddamned
insufferable. These guys are some of my favorite characters in the show so when
they're getting on my nerves, that's really saying something.
Zordon buzzes the Ranger Teens to tell them congratulations
on defeating the Super Putties, and also for managing to find a way to avoid
murdering Billy. Jason says that his only fear now is if they have to fight
Titanus again, also spiders. Zordon says Titanus is actually a comrade in their
fight against evil and now he's on their side, because Zordon is a huge dick
who gets off on lying to them and manipulating a depressed brachiosaurus to do
it.
The Ninjas leap into the ring with Tommy and Jason, ready to
square off and test their might. We begin with single combat, and it's Jason
Vs. Ninja 1. There's nothing equal in the fight though, because Jason just
beats the shit out of him. It's kind of unfair the ninjas have to fight Tommy
and Jason now. We can't be certain, but it's pretty unlikely these guys got to
spend their afternoon training against a fireball spitting dinosaur god.
But the two ninjas kick back, and it's high noon at mega
mountain for Tommy and Jason. Both sets of fighters switch places, and Tommy
gets knocked to the mat. For an episode that focused so much on teamwork maybe
it wasn't a great idea to start this competition with one on one matches.
Soon enough though, both Tommy and Jason are in the ring
against the Ninja duo, all four wielding wooden swords. Since the whole episode has
been building up to Jason and Tommy's teamwork, you'd expect more than a 10
second scene of them beating the fuck out of the ninjas effortlessly. Seriously,
that's how long the two on two match lasts and there's no tension at all. The
judges say the competition is over, and Bulk and Skull are clearly dismayed
because their boys obviously lost. If the most deluded idiots on the planet see
where this is going, it's pretty clear.
Tommy and Jason win the competition because they beat up
some immigrants, and Skull accidentally spills water on Bulk. It's as satisfying an ending as this episode deserved. It started off strong with something special, then the ending managed to do nothing with it. It's a great build up to some kind of message about teamwork, then it amounts to nothing. Thanks for nothing guys, see ya next week.
Your Weekly 90's
Nostalgia: Claymation
Personal Thoughts:
I have to admit that when I was a kid I absolutely hated
this episode. It's kind of superficial, but I was bummed out that the
"monster" this week was just a set of Putties. They didn't look any
different and that let me down. In hindsight it's not a bad episode, just that
they hammer the teamwork point in really hard, but fuck up the execution at the
end.
Speaking of the Putties, the U.S. production does something
kind of interesting I didn't notice until recently. In the Japanese footage,
some of the Putties have a large ball in place of one of their hands. These
Putties only show up in the Japanese stuff, but the U.S. team tried to recreate
the look of one for the Super Putties. The result is less than amazing, and
looks more like a deflated beach ball duct taped to a stuntman's arm, but A for effort.
Curious about that Frankenstein in Finster's lab scene? Well
let me explain. Last week I mentioned how his Zord fight came from two episodes
jammed together for Power Rangers. This episode originally contained the second
part of the Frankenstein Zord fight where they actually defeated him. After
they beat the Super Putties in Zyuranger, Rita sent Frankenstein back to Earth
where he grew and took on Dragonzord and Megazord. Explaining the abrupt and
anticlimactic finale of this episode where the Rangers gingerly shoot a couple of Putties.
What's interesting is the initial script for this episode
mentioned Frankenstein being present, and Rita said he was Finster's new Super
Frankenstein. They were originally going to have him grow after the Super
Putties were beaten, and the Rangers would destroy Super Frankenstein by
shooting him with the Gung Ho Guns combined with their Blade Blasters, and
cutting the scene of Dragonzord in Battle Mode killing him.
Honestly I'm pretty glad they cut that because it sounds
like a really boring use of the footage. I wouldn't have minded if this and
Life's A Masquerade were linked together and they kept Frankie alive last week until he
got killed in this one, but it's better than them introducing an identical
monster just to kill off in one shot from new weapons they would never use
again. By the way, we're STILL not done talking about Frankenstein yet. I'll explain soon.
Curious exactly why they didn't use those new weapons anymore?
Well that's Zyuranger's fault mostly. The Gung Ho Guns were used in all of
three episodes. Zyuranger 29, Zyuranger 31, and Zyuranger 33. 33 was the source
episode for Madame Woe, and they replaced the use of the Guns there with the Power Blaster. 31 only had a brief use of the weapon on some Putties, and 29 is
the episode they used for this episodes' footage.
Really the writers didn't have much they could do but try as hard as they could to ignore these weapons since they'd never show up again. Or y'know, don't use the end of this fight, which leads me to my last idea. If they didn't want the fight with the Super Putties to be its own stand-alone episode, they could have possibly adapted it for the pilot episode and used it as the Power Rangers first fight with the Putties.
Really the writers didn't have much they could do but try as hard as they could to ignore these weapons since they'd never show up again. Or y'know, don't use the end of this fight, which leads me to my last idea. If they didn't want the fight with the Super Putties to be its own stand-alone episode, they could have possibly adapted it for the pilot episode and used it as the Power Rangers first fight with the Putties.
You explain their difficulty against the new enemies as
nervousness at being superheroes, and you actually build up the Putties as
though they were a threat. Cut the scene of Jason (and Tommy obviously)
throwing them the Gung Ho Guns, and have them teleport to another fight
somewhere, or into their Zords for the fight with Giant Goldar. Doing the fight
this way could potentially make the Power Rangers look too weak though, so if
the idea did cross someone's mind I can see why they'd avoid it. What do you think
though? Would you have kept watching if the Power Rangers were losing their
first fight? Who knows, maybe I wouldn't have kept watching.
So Trini is apparently Chinese, has a Japanese uncle with an English name, and is played by a Vietnamese actor. Got it.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny since this episode was written by Mark Hoffmeier who also created "Dark Warrior" where Howard appeared. You know what else he made? The paedophile clown and Terror Toad. He also co-wrote that episode with Jeff Deckman and Roger Sperling. You know what they made? Mr Fucking Ticklesneezer.
DeleteThe thing with the blasters was inconsequential to me, what I actually rather enjoyed was exploring thr dynamic between Jason and Tommy. The reason they seem to always try to one up each other might stem all the way back to their very first encounter when their match ended in a draw. It's probably a bit of a male ego thing. They may be on the same thing, but the competitiveness of wanting to determine who is the better man still eats away at them both, rather than accept that they are equally matched in skill.
ReplyDeleteThat's something they do eventually come to accept, recognizing each others unique strengths as beneficial.