MMPR Season 2 Episode 8: The Power Stealer

Squid Slathers Ancient Artifacts with own Vomit
Power Rangers Crucified, Refuse to Die For Our Sins

Before I start with the episode today, my buddy Phil of Noiseless Chatter has a Kickstarter going on I wanted to mention. If any of you good people are profoundly wealthy, or found an extra five dollars in the jeans you don't fit in anymore, consider kicking a little his way to help fund a fascinating book series detailing how art can impact the lives of those who experience it. If you enjoy what I have to write, I guarantee you these actual authors will put hair on your chest*. So check it out! If this series gets funded I'll even do something extra for you sweethearts. By which I mean I'll do two reviews in one week. That's kinda special right?

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/464236232/arts-in-entertainment-a-series-about-art-impacting


This week on Power Rangers, our heroes are going to clean up some totally bogus pollution because it's the 90's and protecting our planet isn't a completely lost cause yet. The Ranger Teens get interviewed by a local Angel Grove television anchor, as it was a slow news week and Clinton hadn't gotten a beej yet.

Zack, Billy, and Trini are interviewed by the woman about how much they love cleaning up their boring city full of shitty upper middle class white people with sticks up their asses. Zack is the only one of the three to say much during the interview, and I instantly become annoyed that Trini is shoved into the background with nothing to say.

Yeah I know she's never given any bit of business to do whatsoever, but this episode's plot is about environmentalism. In two of the very few episodes that used Trini as more than window dressing, she was vocal about pollution and recycling. That was one of the things they gave that character to care about. This wouldn't be such a big deal if the Ranger Teens weren't only given one sole character trait for us to give a fuck about. That would be like if Zack went to the science fair while wearing overalls and talking like a human thesaurus, or if Kimberly did ridiculous hip hop karate like an embarrassing racist stereotype, or if Jason liked karate and had no other discernible characteristics.

While the three Ranger Teens discuss drinking their milk, taking their vitamins, and saying their prayers, we see an act of majestic foolishness that rests my nerves for the incoming episode.

Both the viewer and Hulk Hogan now know the feeling of too much pork.

The reporter informs our beloved heroes that she's heard a rumor circulating that the Power Rangers will show up to help clean the park with everyone else. Billy stammers like he's Fuckboi Prime and awkwardly informs the viewing audience "I've never met 'em!" Billy follows this up with a nervous chuckle while every human being with two functioning brain cells watching at home turn to their significant others and say "Well that kid is obviously a Power Ranger. Probably that chickenshit loser Green Ranger who doesn't even have a new Zord this season."

Bulk and Skull miss the incredibly obvious clues that Billy drops and start wondering who those damn Power Rangers really are. The bullies notice all the camera equipment and come up with a foolproof plan to uncover the mystery of which six obnoxiously extroverted teenagers who are good at karate are also good at karate whilst wearing spandex. When the Rangers show up to clean up the messy park, which might not actually happen and could be made up by a ratings hungry reporter, Bulk will sneak up on the Power Rangers and yank their helmets off in front of the camera for all to see. Bulk assumes this will make him really famous, and if that fails he can just murder John Lennon.

Let me go through Bulk's plan one more time for those of you in the back row.

He, as an approximately 800 pound man, plans on sneaking up on a group of agile superheroes and pulling off all six of their helmets simultaneously. He will do so on Tom and Jerry tippy-toes and somehow manage to miraculously reveal the identity of six unstoppable superpowers that apparently won't hear his heavy breathing approaching them. None of the Rangers will be able to stop him as he Of Mice and Men's their helmets in front of millions of people like a complete fucking crazy person. Wait, actually now that I say it out loud it makes perfect sense.

At Lord Zedd's compound, the skinless metal lobster decides to use the Rangers' recycling efforts against them. I have to give an enormous amount of credit to this episode for not arbitrarily blaming Zedd for all the pollution that's sprung up. In Season 1's episode "Teamwork", the writers had the balls to tell us that Rita Repulsa was responsible for a filthy waste dump in downtown Angel Grove. In a show as stupid as this, you walk a fine line between entertaining me and losing me every week. As soon as you tell me some space hag is taking out a mortgage on Earth in the hopes some high school girls are going to go there at some point, you've done nothing but shove a middle finger so far up my ass I won't be able to close my mouth without chewing your fingernail.

Zedd plans on changing up the status quo by doing something unheard of in this show. He's going to create a goofy looking monster that attacks the Power Rangers. The creature he's prepared is the Octophantom: half octopus, half elephant. A portmanteau as brilliant as it is stupid. The monster will use its magical jar to capture all of the Rangers and drain their multicolored powers. Zedd singles out the Green Ranger as the Octophantom's primary target, because he wants an easy win to make up for how bad he's been getting disgraced by these clownshoe pussy teenagers.

Kimberly, Tommy and Jason clean up all the shit some unpaid intern had to dump all over the park. The film crew from Angel Grove Live, or whatever it's actually called, interview Tommy about the virtues of cleaning a park your film crew just dirtied. Tommy stumbles over his words as he tries to find a way to segue his answer into a discussion on karate, but is interrupted by the appearance of some Z-Putties.

Jason tells the cameraman to get the other civilians out of harm's way. Bulk and Skull take the hint they should get out of dodge as well, and make sure not to notice the three characters who stayed behind to fight the evil space creatures that just emerged. Jason, Tommy and Kim battle against the Z-Putties as we cut back to the cameraman's discarded camera still recording. I mean I assume it's recording, it's got a little red cylinder on top of it beeping like a bomb that's about to explode. If you've got a better way to illustrate a camera recording I'd like to hear it.

Midway through the Putty battle, the Ranger Teens are surprised with the sudden appearance of Zedd's ferocious new monster, Octophantom.

There are monsters with fuckable mouths, and there is the monster with the MOST fuckable mouth.

With the arrival of the monster, Tommy exclaims they're caught in a trap. All Zedd did was send down some Putties and then a monster. You're being dramatic about this Tommy and I have no time for it. The Ranger Teens morph to combat the Z-Putties while the Octophantom…stands idly by in the background. Usually when a monster appears they get involved, you feel like joining us today Octophantom? You lazy sack of dogshit.

And just so we're clear, right after the Ranger Teens morph we get a shot of the camera beeping like it's about to blow them all sky high. While this sounds like it would be incredibly annoying, credit to Power Rangers for only cutting back to that camera once or twice. They manage to show it to the audience just enough to let you get the point without it being insultingly obvious.

Green, Pink, and Red manhandle the Z-Putties with some juicy karate. There aren't any super sweet flying kicks, but the episode has only been on for five minutes, you got to build to that shit. While Tommy wipes out a few more Z-Putties, a pair of them sneak up behind him and pin him down. Octophantom finally decides to get off his squidy ass and do something, so he opens his jar in front of the downed Green Ranger. A wispy cloud of energy begins to absorb Tommy into the monster's jar and Jason and Kim race to his rescue.

Hey Tommy it's me Kim!

Octophantom bottles up Green and tells Jason and Kim he'll be back for them sooner than they think, but probably within the next 20 minutes since this isn't a two-parter. Kim and Jason lament their lost lover and race back to the Command Center to figure out what's up. Billy prints off some statistics about the monster and uncovers that it's half elephant and ha-NO SHIT BILLY WE ALREADY KNOW THAT, ZEDD TOLD US THAT FIVE MINUTES AGO YOU LAZY ASS NERD.

Back at the park, Bulk and Skull show up and realize that camera from earlier was running the entire time the Putties were on the scene. The two stooges surmise that they can see how the Rangers showed up to fight the Putties, and maybe discern where they came from with this footage. Then after they're all finished with that, they can loan the camera to their uncle Bob Crane who keeps asking the boys about filming things with him.

Inside a cave in the middle of nowhere, an image of Lord Zedd taunts the Green Ranger who has been chained to a massive post. Tommy weakly tries to backsass the evil emperor to no avail, as Zedd promises his pals will be joining him soon enough. It's at this point we get one of the weirdest act breaks I've seen in any television show in history. Tommy appears completely defeated as he bows his head down in dismay, and hopes Zedd won't hurt his dear old buddies.

Then as soon as we cut back from commercial, the previously distraught Tommy raises his head back up and threatens Zedd not to hurt his friends. You'll only notice how weird it is watching it on DVD, because we cut to black on Tommy's head lowered, then cut back to the exact same shot and have Tommy start acting confident. Likely because the director filmed the scene of Tommy feeling defeated, and when they realized the show needed an act break they overlaid some ominous music and had Jason David Frank dub over some exhausted grunts.

All I'm trying to say is I love seeing the strings holding this silly ass show together.

Zedd sends the Octophantom back down to lure out the Rangers. How does he do so? By vandalizing a bunch of moai monuments in the middle of Japan Nowhere. If that doesn't sound ridiculous enough, he corrupts the statues by daintily hopping past them and scrawling on them with a tiny little paintbrush. A child sized paintbrush which he holds in his beefy squid arm to scribble all over moai statues.

Your weekly reminder as to why this show is the best thing ever broadcast.

The Ranger Teens morph and leap into the battlefield. When they demand to know where he's put their most profitable teammate, he responds by hucking a handful of exploding globs at the Rangers and blasting them backwards. While four of the Rangers charge to attack the monster, Billy tells them to wait because the Octophantom is obviously trying to lure them into a trap. Also he's a pathetic coward and will take the easy way out of any battle he can.

Black, Yellow, Pink, and Red get knocked onto their asses and Octophantom descends upon them. Just as he's about to strike, he catches a glimpse of himself in a nearby mirror and starts talking about how goddamn fine he looks.

I'm an orange Homer Simpson with dreadlocks. Who wouldn't fuck me?

As ridiculous and absurd as this sounds, the voice actor for Octophantom totally sells it with how he plays this scene. He does a typical gruff and stern threatening tone of voice as he tells the Rangers they're finished, and as soon as he catches himself in the mirror he starts going up in pitch about how great he looks. It's charmingly well done. 

After Octophantom gives himself a gooey octo-chub, he busts out his jar and produces an energy cloud to capture the Rangers. Jason rolls out of the way at the last second, while Octo spirits away Kim, Trini, and Zack. As Jason tries to protest, the monster challenges him to a duel at the quarry and vanishes. Billy contemplates what they can do to stop this evil creature, and how he can continue to remain relevant without participating in the battle.

Inside the Command Center, Billy and Jason discuss what they're going to do about the Octophantom. Alpha offers some helpful advice by telling the boys, "Ay-yi-yi-yi. What are we going to do?" You know I never thought about it like that Alpha, thank you for keeping a stiff upper lip during these trying times.

Billy informs Jason that he has discovered Octophantom's weakness: His vanity. Jason thanks Billy for observing the exact same thing Jason saw because it happened right the fuck in front of him, and asks Big Dick Billy what they're supposed to do about it. Billy proposes creating a gadget to take advantage of the monster's vanity, but Jason says they don't have time to wait around. He asks Billy to stay behind and work on this new gadget, and he'll go battle the Octophantom.

The Red Ranger arrives at the quarry where Octophantom soon greets him. Jason spots the other four Rangers tied to stakes where the monster is keeping them prisoner.

Kim's looking a bit more…adult.

Jason becomes furious all of his friends, as well as Trini, have been tied up and he can't fuck a single one of them. He leaps forward to battle the Octophantom with his head clouded by rage. The monster easily fends off Red Ranger while slapping him around a bit.

After a complete humiliation, Octophantom has Red dead to rights. Squiddly Diddly busts out his magic jar and prepares to suck up the Red Ranger in order to steal his powers as well. Jason is unable to fight back and rolls around on the dirt while he waits for the beautiful embrace of death to take him.

In a flash, Billy's Power Lance flings forward and slashes the hideous monster in its adorable snout. Octophantom starts calling bullshit on the Blue Ranger doing something impressive as Billy runs in with his new weapon. A shield that has a mirror built inside of it. In case you're curious who made it, don't worry, Billy made that abundantly clear.

Remember the other monster of Zedd's who was bested by mirrors? Me neither!

Jason takes the shield from Billy, because Blue's too pathetic to win a fight with a monster all by himself. Billy says he'll make himself useful by freeing the others, but we soon realize they're being held captive by a battalion of Z Putties. Billy prepares to retreat so he can build another device to do the fighting for him, but Jason tells him to get the fuck up there and go save the real Rangers.

Jason takes the Triceratops Shield and begins battling Octophantom once again. Instead of immediately opening up the shield to use the mirror against Octo, Jason gets into a skirmish with the monster and uses his shield as a battering weapon. Probably because the crew behind the fight didn't want to have Jason win immediately, but at the same time had no idea how to make a character on the defensive look visually interesting. That means you get some poor stuntman who has no idea what he's supposed to be doing flinging a big hunk of plastic around a squid man's punches.

While Jason flings his shield like he's Captain America, Billy leaps up to the cliffs above to battle the Z-Putties guarding his friends. After every successful punch he lands, he looks back at the other Rangers to see if they're impressed with his mediocre display of karate. The other Rangers, naturally, remain silent.

Octophantom produces a large beaded staff to finish off the Red Ranger, and zeroes in on the downed Jason. Just before Octo lands the killing blow, Jason gets the mirror shield into position to stop the monster in his tracks. Octophantom gushes about how bad he'd fuck him and tosses his weapon off to the side in his excitement. Proving that no matter how strong Zedd makes his new monsters, he can't prevent them from being unfathomably dumb.

With the Z-Putties defeated, Billy frees his comrades from their bindings and realizes Tommy's powers are noticeably f.a.d-ing. Even though the green of Tommy's spandex is graying out, the Green Ranger tries to stand strong and offer his help in the fight. Billy says he's too weak and sends him back to the Command Center. Billy then mutters under his breath that no karate freak is going to upstage how cool he looked today.

The primary five Rangers regroup and bust out their Power Weapons, ready to finish off the Octophantom. Before the monster can get his shit pushed in any further, Zedd tosses a Growth Bomb to Earth which turns Octo into a giant. The Rangers summon the Thunderzords and form the Thunder Megazord. So that means we get to enjoy another tedious awful splice-job of a Zord fight from Season 2.

But wait, what's this? It appears Season 2 has another trick up its sleeve. While Season 1 of Power Rangers didn't have any of the Dinozord costumes from Zyuranger, Season 2 has the Thunder Megazord's suit available to film U.S. material with. That means they aren't restricted by the Sentai Zord fights and can shoot something unique and dynamic. Power Rangers can create new footage, and do more than hack together footage to create a sub-standard battle. Finally we can see some hits connect again! All because Saban can shoot some brand new footage.

Too bad it looks like fucking shit.

Loving couples punch each other more playfully than this.

That gif may not showcase just how lame these shots look, but I want you lovely readers to do something for me. Please lift up your dominant hand and ball up your fist. Now, gently move your elbow backwards, and lightly move your fist forward in a straight line. Now look at how unthreatening that motion you just made looks, and imagine it being filmed and used in an action sequence for public consumption.

This floors me. Most of the U.S. footage fights with the Putties and some of the monsters look pretty good. Why is it that the U.S. Zord battle footage looks so awful? Octophantom and Thunder Megazord look like two past their prime boxers trying to throw punches while the audience waits for one of them to drop dead from a heart attack.

To be fair, this is only a brief snippet from the Zord battle. The majority of this fight is more stitched together Dairanger and Zyu2 footage, which honestly I'm fine with watching if it means we don't get more sloth speed punches that are supposed to look devastating. This scene simply stood out to me as a sign that the show realized how insufficient the Thunderzord battles have looked so far, and tried to rectify that by showing two opponents actually visually hit each other. As much as I bitch and moan, this was the budget Power Rangers had to work with. We have to sell new toys so either get on board or fuck off.

And you folks know well enough I'm in too deep to ever get off this crazy train.

The Thunder Megazord engages in an admittedly not bad splice fight with Octophantom. It's as good as a battle between two combatants who can never be on screen at the same time as one another can be. After a few more backhanded compliments, the fight fizzles out when the Thunder Megazord uses its Thunder Saber to finish off Octophantom. He was truly too beautiful for this world. Rest well Elepus.

Back at the Youth Center, the Ranger Teens minus Tommy celebrate the middling job they did cleaning some stray papers blowing around the park. Zack stops the celebration dead when he asks all of his friends, "Where's Poochie?" Kimberly says his powers are getting weak but he'll probably be okay. Yeah, he's usually just fine when you guys leave him alone.

JESUS CHRIST IT BURNS FOREVER

All of a sudden, Bulk and Skull come a calling and tell the Youth Center patrons they have a video that will reveal the Power Rangers true identities. Skull explains that the video tape was inside the camera while the Putty Patrol attacked, and will surely provide them with evidence of the Rangers true identities. While you'd initially think this scene is nothing but Bulk and Skull being complete goofballs, don't forget that Tommy, Kimberly, and Jason were all caught morphing on that tape. For once, those idiots are actually on the cusp of uncovering something, which is a lot more refreshing than having them be nothing but ineffective gorillas all season.

Also interesting is that Bulk and Skull clearly haven't watched this tape, or they would find out half of the Ranger team's secret identities. So they were lugging this thing around to show it to a group of people without knowing what's on it? They didn't bother checking it at all? It's a bit of a cheat, but this episode's been fun so I'll let it pass.

Just as Bulk tries to insert the tape, Jason blocks its entrance with his beefy hand and says maybe they don't want to watch it just yet. Zack snatches the tape and says they can't watch the tape until it's been properly labeled. Bulk gets understandably angry that these goody two shoes assholes are messing with his tape, but Kim says they wouldn't want to lose something so important to them if it didn't have a label on it.

Man tell me about it Kimberly. If I wanted to watch the episode of Power Rangers where the Slippery Shark shows up, I'll have to go to my vast VHS collection and verify that I've correctly selected the tape labeled "Power Rangers 6" which of course denotes that the episodes captured within range anywhere from Episode 48-60. The tapes are further denoted by a tiny red strip of tape placed lightly along the strip of the VHS ca

Bulk plugs in the new tape and is left embarrassed when all that plays is some shitty looking Saban cartoon. Instead of accusing the Ranger Teens of obvious suspicious behavior, Bulk kicks proverbial rocks while admitting he isn't going to become rich and famous for his outing of some beloved superheroes. You would have been this generation's Martin Luther King Jr. Bulk. Maybe next week asshole.

Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Self-Destructing Cameras

Personal Thoughts

Certainly not as great as last week's episode, but "The Power Stealer" was a really solid experience. The pollution sub-plot wasn't as tedious as it was in Season 1's "Clean-Up Club." It was used more as a positive set dressing that didn't shove in your face how good and pure the Ranger Teens are. It was also nice to see multiple extras cleaning up the park in the background instead of relegating this duty exclusively to the Ranger Teens. It makes these scenes feel significantly more alive and almost creates the illusion Angel Grove has more than 20 people living within the city limits.

What I also appreciate is how this episode doesn't shove your face into Tommy's fading power supply. It's addressed when Octophantom captures him, but this episode focuses significantly less on Tommy than last week's episode did. Kim, Trini, and Zack are also captured and treated like they're in just as much danger as Tommy is. Green is just more susceptible because of his unique situation which is why he can't participate in the final fight with Octophantom. Well there's another reason he wasn't there but we'll discuss that in a little bit.

Octophantom is a fun monster. His vanity is infinitely more fun to watch than boring old Octoplant from Season 1. The show takes the time to build up to this weakness and treats it in an appropriately silly manner. The monster's voice getting high pitched and silly when he sees himself in the mirror is a funny enough turn that doesn't distract from the fact he captured 2/3rds of the Rangers by himself. For a weird looking octopus he's done a damn fine job impressing me.

Now we get into the Zyu2 material of our good pal the Octophantom. There's quite a bit to discuss here so let's strap right in and enjoy.

-10 points for not taping that paper on his mouth.

Before I discuss what's present in the footage, it's worth mentioning what's absent first. While there's a U.S. footage fight with Tommy getting sucked up by Octophantom, the Green Ranger is completely absent from this Zyu2 footage block. Any of the scenes with Green present in this episode are U.S. inclusions to shoehorn in the plot about his fading power, but it's done in such a way that it doesn't overtake the episode and obnoxiously turn this into The Tommy Show.

Right off the bat there's some footage that went unused in Power Rangers of Octophantom's painting spree. We lose a lot of him painting funny mustaches and glasses on the monuments and a bit of the actual painting process. It's funny stuff so I almost wish it didn't have to go, but it was also entirely superfluous so it's no surprise it did. I'm sure many of you are deeply curious where Octophantom got the paint to vandalize those statues, well lucky you! Zyu2 has an answer for ya.

I sure hope that's his trunk.

Ugh. I can imagine why they didn't use that moment. While nobody really assumed Octophantom would create his own paint, you can see his trunk is stained with black ink while he paints the monuments in the Power Rangers episode. Just goes to show no amount of paying attention to this shit is too much.

When the Rangers jump into battle with the monster, they dogpile on him with their fists out. The initial shot of them jumping looked really bright and I assumed it was U.S. footage. For some reason I acted like this was true based on the fact my face is planted firmly inside my own ass at all times. I wanted to take the time to admit how wrong I was as an 18 year old who was watching tapes of a 40 year old show nobody cares about. Why this gave me a superiority complex about squid monster footage I'll never know.

Not much is lost until Octophantom shows up at the quarry. I showed the image of the Rangers tied to stakes above, but that was a U.S. original shot. We see the Red Ranger reacting to something in the Zyu2 footage, so it seemed clear his teammates were up there in the Sentai footage as well. Initially I assumed this was re-filmed to include Z-Putties and the Green Ranger. Remember that Tommy wasn't originally in this Zyu2 block. As it turns out there was another reason the Japanese footage wasn't used in America. Try to see if you can guess why!

Americans love crosses right?

Ahahahaha yeah. Apparently when Saban ordered this Japanese footage he forgot to inform the producers that America frowns on characters being pseudo crucified. If I had to hazard a guess, this block wasn't used in Season 1 mostly because of the fact that half the Ranger team are dangling off of squid crosses for the latter portion of the battle. That's only my conjecture of course, but I'd imagine this episode was the elephantom in the writing room for a few weeks while discussing how to use Zyu2 material.

Jason Narvy, the actor who plays Skull, had told a convention audience about a scene of the Power Rangers hung up on crosses in some Japanese footage he had seen, and fans were perplexed because a scene like he was describing never appeared in Zyuranger, or Dairanger. A handful of smart cookies suggested what he saw was the Zyu2 Octophantom footage, and as it turned out they were right on the money.

Coincidentally, these scenes were re-filmed to insert the Z-Putties instead of the Rita era Putties. Originally the Rita Putties were holding swords to the three captured Rangers' throats, which probably wouldn't have worked out so hot in the U.S. version either. The scene of Billy battling the Z-Putties also replaces a similar scene in Zyu2 where Blue Ranger beats up the Putties holding his friends hostage while Jason fights Octophantom.

Speaking of Billy, we lost a couple shots of him trying to hold the Tricera Shield up, but physically being unable to because it's apparently quite heavy. I'm actually pretty glad they ditched these moments because they make Billy look particularly weak. Not to mention he's the one that made this goddamned thing, why would he make it too heavy to use in battle? It's a weird attempt at humor that doesn't really fit with Power Rangers usual style, and makes total sense to ditch.

That staff that Octophantom busts out near the end of the fight always perplexed me. The monster hadn't used this weapon throughout the entire fight, and as soon as he prepares to use it he tosses it away after a quick gag scene. What confused me about this was why the Zyu2 producers would create a pretty intricate looking prop for the sake of a joke when it had literally no other purpose. Well as it turns out, this weapon wasn't created exclusively for Octophantom and was recycled from a prop in the previous Sentai series, Chojin Sentai Jetman.

Imagine my surprise when I watched some episodes of Jetman a few months ago and saw that familiar looking weapon. For someone as nuts about Zyu2 and recycled props as I am, it was like the world wanted to give me one shining moment in this absurd life of mine.

As it turns out, I had another bit of Zyu2 revelation quite a long time ago when I watched the Octophantom footage. I mentioned briefly that the Rangers held their weapons in position before the monster grew, which typically seemed to indicate the Power Blaster would soon be used. Unfortunately there was no way to prove that since the Zyu2 footage was inaccessible for any of us nerds interested enough to care.

One day, I was feeling bored watching the tape and slowed down the scene of Octophantom using the Growth Bomb. All the audience can really see is an explosion overlaid on the screen, but as it turned out you could still notice the Octophantom's figure behind the explosion, which was proof enough that he was hit by the Power Blaster before growing.

It's...more clear when you watch the episode.

Upon the release of the Zyu2 footage, this proved to be true in what stands as the one accurate prediction I made about this shit I've spent significantly too long analyzing. Now it should only take me another 7 years before I accidentally stumble upon another Zyu2 factoid. Or I stop watching shows for children. It's a coin flip.

I've heard a few times that there were apparently more than one attempts at filming U.S. Zord footage fights with the Zyu2 monsters, but weren't used because they looked like trash. I'm not sure how much of that is accurate and how much is just fan hearsay, but it's interesting to speculate about.

*=Only applies to prepubescent boys, which is presumably 483% of my audience.