Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 33: The Yolk's On You

Embarrassing Nerd Dresses as Cowboy to Escape Reality
Monster Misses Lunch; Weeps Uncontrollably








I think this week's episode is going to be the pinnacle of Power Rangers. Why? Well the episode starts with an establishing shot of Angel Grove High School. Immediately after that we cut to an interior shot of the Youth Center. The absolute first thing you see once this episode starts is a fuck up by the editor. At first it looked like they were trying to pass it off like the Youth Center set was an auditorium or some such thing, but then Tommy and Jason walk over to Ernie who's setting stuff up. It's a really small detail but the fact that it happens the first second of this episode lets me know we're in good hands.

Ernie is allowing Principal Caplan to hold a talent show in his Youth Center for all the goodie two shoes goons his school is filled with. Tommy and Jason are dressed in karate outfits because they don't have any other talents, but the rest of Angel Grove High School are practicing the things they're best at. Most of the people are practicing really obvious skills; A kid holding a skull doing Hamlet, a guy with a magician's cape, some guy playing a guitar. Then your eyes dart to the left side of the screen and you wonder what that girl's talent is supposed to be.

Maybe Goblin feet make ballet easier?

Ernie tells Tommy and Jason he's missing some props because some dime store children's show stole all of them to make a stuttering robot. Tommy then vomits out some exposition about how he left his and Jason's karate belts at home. Jason says it doesn't matter whatsoever and not to worry about it, but Tommy takes the issue very seriously and says they can't perform without their belts. A pretty apt metaphor for Tommy. If people don't know how good he is at karate there's nothing to him, so he better let everyone in that audience know that he worked damn hard to get this brown belt.

At the Moon Palace, we're greeted with a very pleasant sight to behold. It's Finster cooking up a monster! The poor guy's been getting shoved in the background lately so it's great to see him pop up again. Finster is putting an extra lot of care into today's monster because he's planning to give it to Rita as a birthday present. That's how good of a guy Finster is, make him into an indentured servant and he still gives you a present. Let's see what he's cooked up today.

Well....it's the thought that counts.

This is Fang, a monster who struts his stuff on Earth by running around and giggling in a Peter Lorre impression. Whoa, save that for the talent show Fang! Fang isn't the only maniac rampaging though, because Bulk and Skull are backstage at the talent show about to dig into a bowl of hard boiled eggs someone left behind. Mr. Caplan demands to know why the only two 30 year old students of Angel Grove High School are sneaking around backstage. The bullies are planning on putting on a musical act at the talent show. Bulk will be on guitar with Skull accompanying him on cymbals. I'm proud of the restraint the show had to not give Skull an electric triangle.

Rita notices Fang down on Earth and asks who dared do something without her giving the go ahead. Squatt and Baboo shock the audience by informing us they were NOT involved with this plan or anything else related to the plot. Rita realizes that the only member of her staff that could possibly do anything nice for her must have done this for her birthday, prompting Squatt and Baboo to give her an incredibly half assed "Happy birthday!" Rita tells them to shove it where it hurts and sends Goldar and the idiots to go help out Fang because he looks like he needs assistance. That's the nicest possible way Rita can say Finster's gift looks like a frog faced imbecile.

While Fang runs amok, Tommy runs through the woods spin kicking trees and muttering how pumped he is to perform karate in front of a bunch of freshmen. I was kidding before, but it's slowly becoming more and more true that all Tommy has in his life is karate. Also a passionate romance with Kimberly, but she knows if it's ever between her and the karate, she's out on her ass.

Rita notices Tommy and bellows at Finster that his first present wasn't good enough and now she wants him to work overtime to stop Tommy. Rita you are one ungrateful bitch you know that? Finster put his heart and soul into making some hideous frog creature and you just whine that Tommy's in the woods not being killed right now. You sure know how to look a gift monster in the mouth don't you lady?

Tommy is soon attacked by a platoon of Putties Finster lovingly made for his ungrateful hag of a boss. Since they're Putties they don't manage to put up a decent fight, but it's mostly because Tommy is wearing his karate belt and is thus invincible. Tommy shithouses all of the Putties but one, who manages to steal his Communicator. The Putty starts hightailing it out of the woods while blatantly leading Tommy into a trap. Tommy is a complete dunce and doesn't notice any of these telltale signs and succumbs to the Putty's fiendish trap.

THOSE FIENDS! His belt wasn't on straight, he was helpless!

While Tommy is yet again humiliated by Putties, Goldar takes Squatt and Baboo to Earth where they look around for Fang. Squatt whines about being hungry and Goldar tells him to shut up and stop talking about food every time he's on screen. Squatt's big fat prayers are answered when he finds a huge pair of eggs hidden behind the bushes.

Ignoring all of his cub scout training, Squatt immediately cracks open one of the eggs as Baboo grabs the other and does the same. Goldar stands idly by while checking his Blackberry to see if any good jobs have opened up out on Neptune. Inside the eggs is some disgusting looking ooze that Squatt devours like the fucked up glutton that he is. It looks like he's just pouring Nickelodeon Slime down his throat.

Squatt drinking eggs
The secret slime action is: Being an obese waste of a character

Fang shows up and starts screaming at Rita's crew for eating those eggs. Those were some rare goony bird eggs that he was stashing away out by the mountainside. Fang is livid that Squatt and Baboo ate his lunch, but should be more mad at himself for being stupid enough to leave his meal out in the middle of nowhere. For once in this series someone has had enough of Squatt and Baboo's bullshit, as Fang threatens to rip all of them apart for eating his eggs. Yeah. That's the plot of this episode. 

The bullies practice playing their instruments poorly as Billy walks in an-ahahahaha. Oh my god.


Billy what the fuck is you wearing? What's your talent? Reciting Jeff Foxworthy jokes? Plus one for you Power Rangers you didn't have Billy's talent being pouring beakers together, but what on god's green earth is he doing? Maybe Billy grew up on a farm. That would explain his hilarious overalls.

Oh right, Farmer Bill is asking where Tommy is. Kim asks if Tommy went to get those belts from Japan. She also asks if he's picking up the footage for them to dub over while he's there. Zack tells Kim that this is serious and Tommy could be in real danger. Why is Zack, the jokester, the one concerned for Tommy's safety while Kim is making light of it? Did they flip the lines in the script and nobody bothered to correct it?

Zordon calls the rest of the Power Rangers and tells them their idiot friend got caught in a net. He says Tommy will have to sit his pretty ass down and wait to be rescued though, because Rita's monster Fang is on the loose ready to destroy the Earth. That or he plans on beating the shit out of some people for eating his eggs. The Morphing Grid got a little fuzzy on those last few details.

The Rangers morph to fight with Fang only to find the monster preparing to attack Goldar, Squatt, and Baboo. Goldar points to the Power Rangers and informs Fang that they have all the goony bird eggs and he can have them if he attacks. Fang gets excited and charges at the Rangers because he's the most gullible dolt on the planet. Fang starts whining about wanting his precious eggs back while the Rangers try and fend him off with their Blade Blasters. It works about as well as every attempt at using the Blade Blasters as weapons ever does.

Rita's henchmen run into the scene as Baboo says if they don't leave he'll raise his voice at them. That's not a line I'm making up, Baboo actually says that. Even he knows how much of a joke he is. You and Squatt botched this whole mission Baboo what are you still doing here? Goldar commands Fang to finish off the Power Rangers by using his limitless power, and he obliges.

Finster didn't install lasers in Fang, just a sweet pitchin' arm. 

Since flying rocks don't get the job done, Goldar blasts the Power Rangers with a stream of energy from his sword, knocking them off of the cliff side. A pretty impressive showing from Goldar since lately all he's been doing is watching baseball monsters get drilled in the guts and balking at his own reflection.

While the other Rangers are made to look like chumps, a pair of Putties are dicking around with Tommy's Morpher and Communicator out in the woods. Slowly I begin to cross my fingers hoping for a Putty to try using the Morpher to become the Green Ranger. He doesn't have to become a Power Ranger, just do the pose. Sadly Tommy has already begun escaping his rope cage so the Putties deaths are imminent. This never would have happened if you had tied that thing with a constrictor knot you gibbering clods.

The Moon Crew congratulates Goldar on throwing energy at teenagers, while Fang wanders off and mutters about how much he misses his eggs. Fang doesn't just mention it though, he actually takes the eggshells with him and sulks alone when the best moment in the entire episode happens.

In the arms of a Fangel

Just brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Rita shows up on Earth and chuckles at the goony bird connoisseur's plight, because she doesn't seem to realize this crazed idiot is off his rocker and shouldn't be provoked. Fang violently yells at her before she tells him she's the answer to his ridiculous googley eyed prayers.

Rita reveals that her magic wand can bring Fang's eggs back together if he follows her orders. For a monster Finster made for her birthday, Fang is really showing he doesn't know the pecking order around here. Goldar had to coax him into fighting the Power Rangers and Rita has to promise to fix his eggs to make him do anything. Regardless, Fang agrees to do the thing he was created to do as Rita makes him grow. This also gives Fang some deadly upgrades!

Even Rita's strongest magic couldn't unlazy his eye.

The Rangers form Megazord to fight against giant Fang in his egg fueled rampage. Fang explicitly mentions that Rita said the Power Rangers have the eggs he wants while he starts blitzing the Megazord. Upon hearing this, Jason actually takes a moment to try and reason with this hideous frog faced loon that the Power Rangers are not known for their egg hoarding habits. Unless Chunky Chicken is involved. Then they're all business.

Fang doesn't hear out the Rangers and continues slashing at them with his newly extended claws and opened eyes. All of a sudden the Rangers stop the fight to look downwards, cut to Fang laughing, and then Jason commands them to continue the fight. We don't see what they're supposed to be looking at down there, but judging by Fang's gleeful laughter methinks those eggs are giving him a raging hard-on.

After some ferocious slashing and stabbing from his new claws, Fang has decimated the Megazord and left it flat on its ass. While Fang celebrates, Rita notices a dam nearby that she commands Fang to demolish. The Rangers begin to panic, having not noticed the city isn't in any real danger because the dam is actually the cheapest scale model money can buy.

They just took the Iron Man figure off the Lego set this came in.

Meanwhile, the two Putties who have Tommy captured are so busy dicking with his Morpher that they haven't noticed their captive has completely escaped their net. Tommy uses the hanging net to propel himself forward  and kick the Putties in the back. He easily finishes both of them off since they forgot to bring a backup net, as he grabs his gear and morphs to the fight.

As Fang approaches the dam, Dragonzord arrives to block his path. The Dragonzord is successfully able to knock Fang back and prevent him from rambling about eggs again as the Megazord comes in for backup. Jason calls for the formation of the Dragonzord in Battle Mode. Dragonzord Battle Mode and Tyrannosaurus put up a respectable fight against Fang, but the blue monster gets right back up and blasts both of them with energy from his horns. It took you all fight to do it Fang, but you finally illustrated the most basic of monster skills. Kudos.

Jason realizes the episode's almost over so he calls for Titanus to summon the Ultrazord. Even though the Zords are in Dragonzord Battle Mode, the Megazord is formed almost instantly off screen because we've wasted too much time in this episode on Tommy being captured and discussions about fictional eggs. The Ultrazord is formed and blasts Fang with its barrage of energy blasts, causing him to explode with a yellow cyclone effect around him. Rest in Peace Fang. Maybe they serve goony bird eggs in Hell.

R.I.P. Shitty Catfish Thing


The Rangers hightail it back to the Youth Center in time for the Talent Show, where they have a poorly dubbed over conversation with Zordon that tries to ignore the fact Tommy is talking by dubbing him over with Jason's voice. Ernie shows up and tells them they're up next and if they don't get up there he'll never let them do work around his Juice Center for free again.

Tommy and Jason show off their karate on stage, as the audience marvels at the incredible belts they have that must make this karate all possible. The boys give a nice little display of karate as they break a few wooden boards with a chop. Big whoop, I've seen Hercule do that with blocks made of stone. Not only that he could tear a phonebook in half. Your parlor tricks don't even compare losers.

Since the episode still has a little time to kill, Bulk and Skull come on stage and scream incoherently into a microphone while a bunch of extras in folding chairs laugh at them. Tommy chuckles with his friends and says how much he loves them and he hopes he'll get to be a Power Ranger forever.


Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Goony bird eggs


Personal Thoughts


This episode definitely isn't bad, but it's really silly. Even for Power Rangers. The subplot about Fang being obsessed with his eggs isn't even hinted at so when he comes in and starts freaking out you're left giggling over the insanity of it all. It's the goofiest thing and it makes Finster's monster look like a crazy asshole. It's funny, but not in the way I think the show wants you to think it is. When you get to a frog monster sobbing that he can't eat some eggs, you've already gone off the rails.

However, the plot isn't exactly meant to be all yuks in the Japanese version. Let's play a little game, look at what the footage is showing you without the dialogue and see if you can figure out the intention of the original episode. Squatt and Baboo eat eggs that Fang becomes enraged about them eating and attacks. Goldar shifts the blame to the Rangers who go on the defensive and lose to the furious monster. Fang weeps over its lost eggs as Rita shows she can reform them for him. The Rangers fight a defensive battle against Fang before destroying him as he threatens the city. What do you think originally happened?

Did you guess that those eggs were Fang's and the monster was originally a mother? Congratulations! Your cognitive skills can't be fooled by this children's program. It's actually a sad plot with Fang being the last of its kind which is why the monster got so upset at its eggs being broken. In the Zyuranger episode, Fang wasn't even initially allied with Rita. It was just an underground monster who wanted to hatch its children. That was too intense for kids so now they have to watch a fight break out over a temper tantrum over a balanced breakfast.

Originally Fang wasn't killed by the Ultrazord, but was finished off by the Dragonzord in Battle Mode, which explains why the footage all awkwardly tries to reform the Megazord off screen. Either Saban wanted to promote the Titanus toy more, or Standards and Practices finally bothered to watch the show and asked why the fuck they were allowing characters to get impaled in the stomach. Maybe a little from column A, a little from column B. Who's to say?

This is how most depressing Sentai episodes end.

This is an incredibly silly memory from my childhood, but I'll never forget when Rita commanded Fang to attack the dam. Not because it was such a wicked and devastating tactic from her, but because the closed captioning misspelled the word dam as the swear word damn. I was so hyped as a kid that my favorite show had gotten away with using bad language even though it actually didn't. It's the dumbest thing that I can still remember that, but it's even dumber that I turned the closed captioning on AGAIN while watching the DVD's just to see it again.

You must be 18 or older to view this screenshot.

My final thought is how fucking tired I am of Tommy getting sidelined and I can tell you exactly why. Yeah he gets taken out of the fight every episode because he has to show up later in the footage, but they almost always have a unique reason for his absence. This is the 2nd time that he has been kidnapped by Putties. As soon as you start repeating his reasons for staying behind it becomes much more obvious what's going on and draws attention to the situation.

Not only that, but Jason made a clear point what Tommy was doing wasn't necessary. The scene played out like a parody. Jason says not to worry about it because it doesn't matter, then Tommy gets deathly serious and informs him they NEED those belts. Why not mix it up and have Jason initially offer to go get their belts, but Tommy says he will instead? It just makes it look like Tommy is an easily distracted moron who can't help but endanger his team's lives. At this point maybe the Rangers would be better off without him.



4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Sorry to Angus Macgyver. While I was fooling with the blog layout I accidentally deleted his comment. It was as follows:

    "What if Fang was a creature from Eltar that Rita captured and placed in suspended animation as an action figure because he's powerful and she might need him?

    I guess Goony Bird Eggs are the only thing he can eat. "

    I apologize Angus. I owe you some Goony Bird eggs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm disappointed that we don't get to see Kim and Trini's talents.

    And why is this series so much like "Saved by the Bell" with the school renting the local teen hangout for its functions?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Given the insurance rates in Angel Grove, I assume the schools can only accord to rent one-story buildings in a low-monster zone. Possibly only places with dubious records in the areas of safety, hygene, and human traficking.

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