Elite Fighting Squadron Bested By Pile of Rocks.
Giant Dog Man Looks in Mirror.
Giant Dog Man Looks in Mirror.
Get pumped, cause today we're in uncharted territories.
We're doing something we haven't done since the beginning of the series. That's
right, it's a Jason centered episode. No seriously, how often have we honestly focused on Jason at all? Last week we got to see some of his feelings on being a
leader and how that can weigh heavy on a person.
This week however, the gang is headed on a "field trip" that Jason isn't tagging along for. They call it a field trip but really it's just the rest of the Rangers tossing shit into the RADBUG. Jason informs them he'd love to come with, but he has to spend some time with his little cousin Jeremy while he's in town. Oh nevermind, I guess this Jason episode is going to be focused on everyone's new favorite character Jeremy.
This week however, the gang is headed on a "field trip" that Jason isn't tagging along for. They call it a field trip but really it's just the rest of the Rangers tossing shit into the RADBUG. Jason informs them he'd love to come with, but he has to spend some time with his little cousin Jeremy while he's in town. Oh nevermind, I guess this Jason episode is going to be focused on everyone's new favorite character Jeremy.
Trini comes running up to give the rest of the Rangers some
brownies she cooked, but Kim thinks they taste like hot garbage. In a scene
that could only come from the 90's, Trini informs the rest of her friends this
recipe came from her gourmet cooking class, and it has snails in it. The rest
of the Ranger Teens throw her horseshit cooking away while she's not looking,
and silently regret ever allowing her to be part of their team.
Before I neglect to mention it, Tommy isn't with the group right
now and won't be appearing in this episode. It's pretty weird because they
don't offer any explanation as to where he is or say he's busy studying or training or what have you. Maybe the writers just got sick of making reasons for him to be
unable to join the fight so they didn't feel like making up a new one. Or they
blew their Jason David Frank money on hiring Quagmire's actor last week and had
to split the difference.
The Ranger Teens leave Jason behind and drive off, while
Squatt watches them drive from behind some bushes. Apparently the Rangers don't
notice him, because a fat blue hobgoblin standing half covered by some leaves
isn't going to stand out much while you drive down a long stretch of road.
Squatt goes back to the Moon Palace to ask Rita what her plan is today, and she
tells him to shut up and stop going to Earth to eat rats.
The next thing we see is Bulk and Skull enjoying themselves
on a beach in the middle of nowhere while they have some ridiculous ceremony
with a pizza. Skull makes noises like they're clanging a bell, as Bulk pulls up
a piece of pizza and espouses the beauty of the sloppy joe pizza. What follows
is a Caligula-esque pizza eating that
I'd feel remiss for not showing you. Please forgive me.
This looks how vomiting feels
Bulk sees Jason and asks who the kid he's banging is,
because the best time to insult someone is when you have your face coated in
pizza ooze. Cousin Jeremy asks if this is the famous bully he's heard so much
about, as Jason has been calling Jeremy
night after night, sobbing about how bad Bulk has been hurting his
feelings. Skull laughs as Jason makes fun of the fact he's a big fat slob, so
Bulk shoves pizza in Skull's stupid face and knocks him off the bench they're
sitting on.
Bulk then gets up to teach Jason not to fuck with a man
covered in pizza, and tries to do some humiliating attempt at karate. Jeremy
informs Jason to watch out for the remnants of Bulk's pizza that's been left
lying on the ground. As you might guess if you haven't been lobotomized
recently, Bulk ends up stupidly landing face first on his pizza after making an
ass of himself. This ranks quite low on the "Bulk Mess Scale ™" since
we just saw him guzzling a pizza funnel. Who cares if he accidentally got some
on his face?
Jason takes Jeremy out to do a bit of fishing, and we get
another riveting round of "Why Was This Actor Dubbed?" Because
Jeremy is being voiced by a voice actor by the name of Brianne Siddall. She'd
go on to do a lot more voices in Power Rangers but right now she's pretending to be a
13 year old kid. How the fuck do you hire an actor whose performance is so bad
that you have to hire someone else to dub them over? Doesn't that make things
more complicated?
Dubbed or not, Jason watches Jeremy do a bit of martial arts
on the beach before fishing, as is customary for a character who has nothing
else in his life. Jeremy stutters out a demand for Jason to teach him a cool move.
Jason tries to teach his cousin some karate, but it appears his actor is unable to
speak OR perform sweet karate kicks. Jeremy falls over into the sand, but Jason
tells him a tale.
When he was young, Jason had a lot of trouble with self confidence, but martial arts helped him hone his skills and feel better about himself. God almighty, more character development? Two weeks in a row? You're spoiling me Power Rangers. Jason's as blank a slate as this show has, and it's full of them. The bar's incredibly low for advancing a character, but you take what you can get.
When he was young, Jason had a lot of trouble with self confidence, but martial arts helped him hone his skills and feel better about himself. God almighty, more character development? Two weeks in a row? You're spoiling me Power Rangers. Jason's as blank a slate as this show has, and it's full of them. The bar's incredibly low for advancing a character, but you take what you can get.
Rita screams about Jason being on the beach because she thought
all the Rangers were out of town. This actually works out pretty well, Rita
employing some level of logic into her search for this mirror. She waits for
the Ranger Teens to lower their guard and then strikes when she has a chance to
trip them up. It's a lot more clever than just making a plan off the cuff and
being shocked when it gets foiled. Rita sends some Putties down to fight Jeremy
and Jason, hoping this will be the one time they're able to beat an enemy.
The Putties attack both young men, and Jason tells Jeremy to
stay behind him and watch his back. We get a sandy fight between the Putties
and the Jeremy/Jason duo. Jeremy is totally defensive and avoids the Putties,
but Jason completely shithouses them as per usual. The Putties vanish, as Jeremy
neglects asking his cousin why he recognized those monsters by name and how he
was able to effortlessly demolish them.
Jeremy and Jason finally get a start on their long awaited
fishing, as they sit atop some rocks and kick their feet up. The show paints an
inaccurate picture of the fishing process, as Jeremy finds something within 15
seconds, and doesn't spend 4 hours sitting there bored out of his goddamned
mind while Grandpa recants the glory of war and separate water fountains. Jeremy reels in a bottle which he exclaims is, "weird". Jason
sadly doesn't give his cousin a preachy speech about how nothing good could be
inside that bottle and how alcohol will destroy his shitty life, but instead tells
him to open it immediately and see what's inside.
Jason hops off the rocks after telling Jeremy to hide from
the shitty particle effects that sprayed out of the bottle. Hidden from sight,
Jason calls Zordon and asks what the fuck's going on. Zordon tells Jason to
take that chickenshit little cousin of his and get out of dodge pronto.
Jason heads back up and asks Jeremy if he's okay after that
giant earthquake that just unleashed hell upon the planet. Jeremy says that
terrifying event was actually a great way to start off his vacation. Oh good,
he's one of those characters. One who's put in danger but then gets excited by
it and acts like it's the coolest thing ever. Gag me.
Inside of the bottle is, what else, a map to the Mirror of
Destruction. Rita recounts that the Mirror of Destruction will be able to
destroy the Rangers as soon as they look into it. We see a flashback of the mirror
being used on what must have been a prototype Power Ranger.
Rita sends Scorpina down to Earth so she can retrieve the
map from Jeremy. Scorpina brings Squatt and Baboo with her, that way if she
fails her mission she can use them as scapegoats. Scorpina spies her prey and
busts out a new trick; she snaps her fingers which prompts a group of boulders to roll together. The boulders all stack together to form a big hulking idiot of a
monster named "Rockstar."
Jason tells Jeremy to run, as Scorpina summons a batch of
Putties. Scorpina tells Jason he's going to get what's coming to him fighting the Putties, then the scene awkwardly shifts to Rockstar and she commands the
monster to attack. The editor must realize how superfluous these Putty scenes
are and is cutting them out prematurely! Rockstar launches a bunch of stones
from his cannon-like gut, which knock Jason over and cling to him while pinning
him down. All things considered this is only the second worst Rocky experience for the Red Ranger.
Zordon buzzes the rest of the Rangers and tells them to stop
fucking vacationing and get to "the beach." It's California Zordon,
you're going to need to be more specific. The Ranger Teens teleport to
"Vague Beach" and see Jason On the Rocks. Trini and Zack come to Jason's aid, and help him get his rocks off. Jason tells his team they need to look for Jeremy, while
adorably pronouncing it "Germy" because y'know, this is Power Rangers
acting. Nobody's calling cut until someone breaks their neck.
The Rangers arbitrarily teleport from their position on the
beach, to a forest in the middle of God
knows where as they look for Germy. Zordon calls them after a solid 6 seconds
of looking and tells them they need to go fight Scorpina at the Beach Club.
Billy hears that they have to fight and immediately runs off while saying he'll
look for Germy. The Rangers morph and fight a group of Putties near a pool. While
this episode is incredibly bland, it has a few worthwhile moments.
Kimberly tries shooting arrows at Scorpina with her Power
Bow, but the villainess deflects them and slashes the Pink Ranger out of the
sky. Jason tries his luck against her, and begins locking swords with Scorpina.
Is this to keep her away from Germy? Is she endangering civilians? Nah we just
need a fight scene. Whatever.
Zack and Trini try assaulting the Rockstar with their Power
Weapons, but he beats the everloving shit out of them. It's not even a fair
fight. For someone introduced with as little fanfare as the Rockstar he's
really not taking any guff. Zack and Trini are in big trouble, such trouble
that one of the pool patrons is beckoning to them!
Rockstar launches more boulders out of his gut that weigh Zack and Trini down to the ground. Rockstar pretty awesomely kicks them into the
pool, where they'll probably drown with those static cling boulders glued to
their tummies. Squatt and Baboo tell Scorpina some Japanese guy was falling
down in the background, and also they lost the kid with the map. Scorpina takes
her crew and runs off while Trini and Zack try and dog paddle out of the pool.
Not the easiest thing in the world with a boulder stuck to your stomach,
believe you me.
Germy runs away from a small group of Putties who are
searching for him and the map, because Squatt and Baboo can't possibly be asked
to do it. Before we can do anything more with the map situation, Scorpina tracks down Kim and
Jason and sics more Putties on them. Wait hold on a sec, they were just looking
for the kid, now she's "found" the non rocked Rangers she ran away
from not half a minute ago? Scorpina mouths some instructions to Squatt and
Baboo, but because the crew forgot to dub her over she doesn't say anything.
The idiot duo run off, really being creeped out by Scorpina's ventriloquist
trick.
Kim and Jason arbitrarily fight more Putties by the waves
crashing against the rocks. Don't get me wrong, this is a nice set-piece, but
this is also the third goddamn Putty fight this episode. The Rockstar is acting
more like he's some general of their army and cackling to himself. Get in the
fight you lazy pile a' shit! Rockstar finally does get back in on the action and
launches some boulders at Kim and Jason, pinning them to the ground. All of the five core Rangers aside from Billy are now out of the fight, so either the Blue Ranger will save the day, or we call
Tommy. Hope you guys have the Green Ranger on speed dial.
Germy tricks the Putties by throwing a rock at some bushes,
which says less of his cunning abilities and more how stupid the Putties are.
The young boy follows the map which instructs him to take 6 giant steps forward.
What kind of fucking Dora the Explorer map is this? Giant steps? Does he have
to tiptoe through the mulberries too? Who cares, he finds the stupid mirror or
whatever. Whoopee.
A single Putty comes down to see the mirror he's supposed to
steal getting manhandled by some punk kid. The Putty starts trying to fight
with Germy and actually beats him to the ground. Before he becomes Putty chow,
Germy opens up the mirror and it unleashes a gigantic laser that blasts the
Putty into chunks. Wow it can destroy a Putty, this thing must be a weapon of
untold mayhem.
Scorpina and Rockstar take notice of the giant death beam
that came from out in the woods. Note that both of them are clearly on the
beach when this happens. Not 5 seconds later, a massive shadow covers Germy.
The owner of this shadow is none other than the Rockstar, holding a boulder
ready to smash Germy!
Jason's cousin has the dullest of dull surprises as he utters a nonchalant "yikes", and then fires a beam from the mirror at the Rockstar. Even though Germy is laying in the forest, we see Rockstar is still on the beach, though he's supposed to be right next to the kid. It looks so ridiculous but it doesn't even compare to the most ridiculous scene of all. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when the Mirror of Destruction hits the Rockstar.
Jason's cousin has the dullest of dull surprises as he utters a nonchalant "yikes", and then fires a beam from the mirror at the Rockstar. Even though Germy is laying in the forest, we see Rockstar is still on the beach, though he's supposed to be right next to the kid. It looks so ridiculous but it doesn't even compare to the most ridiculous scene of all. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when the Mirror of Destruction hits the Rockstar.
Now that Germy has murdered the Monster of the Day, he looks
at the mirror as smug as can be and says "This thing's too hot to
handle." It's a horribly dubbed delivery that doesn't match what the line
is supposed to convey or the emotion the actor is portraying. What doesn't help
matters is Germy's next course of action is to inexplicably chuck the fucking
mirror into the distance. What the actual fuck? What was the point of him
finding the mirror? What a waste of my goddamned time.
Somehow Germy managed to throw the mirror all the way to the
beach where Scorpina is, so she charges forward to grab it. Billy, Trini, and
Zack come out of nowhere and blast her with their Blade Blasters, and the
Rangers pose ready to attack her. Scorpina has a fun little fight with all five
Power Rangers, but it's all too brief as Kim grabs the Mirror of Destruction.
She tries to leap over Scorpina with the mirror but gets slashed out of the air
by Scorpina's blade, as Rita's general gleefully grabs the mirror from her.
What did you really think was going to happen there Kim?
Rita makes Scorpina grow now that she's got her hands on the
mirror, all while Germy watches from far away. You're the reason she has it you
little dick, hope you're happy. Guess she didn't think it was too hot to handle
eh? Idiot.
The Rangers call forth the Megazord to fight Scorpina, who opens the Mirror of Destruction in front of their Zord. Since the Megazord is unable to move in anything but a straight line, it has a tough fight trying to dodge its reflection. Why does the Megazord have the cognitive abilities of a dog? Just don't look in the mirror, duck down and punch Scorpina in her Scorplabia.
The Rangers call forth the Megazord to fight Scorpina, who opens the Mirror of Destruction in front of their Zord. Since the Megazord is unable to move in anything but a straight line, it has a tough fight trying to dodge its reflection. Why does the Megazord have the cognitive abilities of a dog? Just don't look in the mirror, duck down and punch Scorpina in her Scorplabia.
Goldar shows up out of nowhere, already having grown to
giant size. Scorpina distracts the Megazord, while Goldar slashes at it with
his sword and taunting the Megazord with a growly "SUCKA!" It loses a
lot without hearing it, but just take my word for it. I wouldn't ask you to go
out of your way to watch this episode.
Goldar grabs the Megazord by its arm, and holds it still in
front of Scorpina who opens the mirror. The Megazord tries to divert its eyes
like it caught its parents fucking, but Scorpina comes closer with the mirror.
Megazord pulls out its trump card; it stomps on Goldar's foot and throws him in
front of the mirror. Scorpina doesn't want to lose her man candy, so she tosses
the Mirror of Destruction into the air. Could anyone who gets this mirror hold
onto it for more than three minutes? Jesus.
So the ugly scorpion thing throws a mirror and the Rangers are in control. The Megazord calls for the Power Sword, and in a thrilling
conclusion the mighty robot is able to destroy the inanimate object as it flies
through the air. Scorpina and Goldar puss out and run away, but they aren't too
worried. Rita isn't going to nag her only competent soldiers. The Rangers then
regroup on the beach while Zordon tells them they did a good job breaking that
mirror, also that 7 years will pass in no time. Germy shows up and introduces
himself to the Power Rangers, then asks where the Blue Ranger went for half the
episode.
Thanks to the convenient commercial break, we get to cut
back to the Juice Bar where Germy is bragging about how he beat a Putty. Big
deal dork, who hasn't? Sit down and drink your milkshake. But no, we get to keep hearing more about
everything this dumb tween saw today, as he describes scenes we watched five
minutes ago. He also talks about the part where Rockstar kicked Black and
Yellow into a pool, which he couldn't have possibly seen because he was hiding
from Putties at the time.
Germy asks where Jason was during the fight, and Jason
stutters and offers no answer but "I have to go do something else."
Then the episode is over. Way to limp to the finish line guys. You promise me
an episode about Jason, but instead we have to focus on nothing but Germy the
Wonder Kid throwing mirrors. Then they don't know how to end the episode so
they just summarize all the shit you just saw. Get fucked.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Sloppy Joe Pizza
Personal Thoughts
Man, I got so excited rewatching this episode because I
remembered not liking it as a kid. I thought that with age I'd grow fonder and
enjoy it for what it is. Nope. This episode still does so little for me. We get
the tiniest glimmer of character for Jason, but then ditch him to hang out with
his shitty beach bum cousin. We get introduced to the Rockstar who seems really
imposing, but then he just stands around as Scorpina's muscle.
I don't know why, but as a kid I was really excited by the
Rockstar. He seemed like such a cool burly monster, and I thought he was going
to give the Zords a tough fight for sure. The Mirror of Destruction was such an
afterthought to me, that when Germy used it to blow him up I was actually taken
aback. It's such an underwhelming end to a monster I was astounded. I had all
these aspirations of the Ultrazord needing to be used to finish him off, but
then he just gets laser blasted by a mirror. I was crestfallen.
Power Rangers couldn't have done much else with this though.
You have footage of Scorpina and Goldar fighting while holding a mirror, and a
rock monster exploding. You do what you have to, but man nobody is remembering
this shit fondly. It breaks the mold yes. It isn't just "Monster is
beaten, monster grows, monster is beaten again." That doesn't make it good
however, because it takes so much cutting around to get to the mirror that I've
completely checked out by the time it's found.
Oh yeah the guy in the background of that shot? That's the
Japanese Blue Ranger. It's amazing that they didn't take the time to just
reshoot the scenes of Yellow and Black in danger. You don't need the Rockstar
costume which they apparently didn't have anyway. Just film a scene of the two
Rangers with big fake rocks on their stomachs backing away from something off
screen. Is that so hard?
I was taught to always end on a strong note. So one
more time let's take a look at the Rockstar's final moment.
This sounds like the worst episode yet. Jesus Christ.
ReplyDeleteAlso, does it really end with Jeremy bragging about beating a putty? He doesn't brag about beating the enormous golem??
No, Wheel of Misfortune was much worse. This episode was at least watchable and is funny bad like The Room. The worst of the franchise is definitely "Chimp in Charge." Why? Three words. "Racist Rastafarian Stereotype."
Delete"Skull laughs as Jason makes fun of the fact he's a big fat slob, so Bulk shoves pizza in Skull's stupid face and knocks him off the bench" That's pretty awesome, man. - Paulie
ReplyDeleteI, too, wondered why Germy threw away the mirror. It's almost as if he knew Scorpina had to have it later!
ReplyDeleteFun fact; this episode was written by Peggy Nicoll who also wrote "The Spit Flower." Seems to have a strange obsession with monsters upchucking shit at the Rangers to disable them doesn't she?
ReplyDeleteIf anyone gives a fuck about this piece of shit, there is a reason in Zyuranger why the three others weren't present. In Zyu, Dora Gunrock's Gunrock Cannon could not simply have the rocks removed from thier stomachs and were stuck in place until the monster was killed. Why didn't they include the segment in PR? Because the Gunrock Cannon automatically demorphed them into thier true very Asian forms and Saban couldn't be fucked to have them go find Jeremy.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, the map to the Mirror of Destruction is a map of the fucking Indonesian Archipelago. Your guess is as good as mine as to how that helped them find the Mirror.
ReplyDelete