Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Alpha's Magical Christmas

By Philip J Reed, of Noiseless Chatter

It wasn’t long ago that my good friend what’s-his-name asked me to review Alpha’s Magical Christmas.  “What luck,” I said to myself, who was in the room with me. “This will be a great way to celebrate the holidays, and it’s a chance to revisit a cherished special from my youth, too.”

Tragically, the cocaine wore off only forty minutes later, and I was trapped.  I had not only agreed to watch Alpha’s Magical Christmas; I had agreed to review it.  (I’m repeating this in case you forgot the first paragraph.)

Alpha’s Magical Christmas is goatshit.  I say that not to be profane, but because it’s genuinely the only word that can be used to describe it.  Go ahead and try for yourself!

I have a bit of a history with this special.  See, every year I organize and host a charity stream called the Xmas Bash!!!!  It’s a selection of seven terrible Christmas specials, bizarre Christmas music videos, vintage commercials, and more.  I dedicate five straight hours a year to unveiling holiday travesties that should have unquestionably remained forgotten, and rubbing people’s noses in them.

People know what they’re getting when they tune into the stream.  They know they won’t see anything good, and they certainly won’t see anything they’ll ever want to watch again.  That’s part of the deal.  Fine.  Some people like that.

But Alpha’s Magical Christmas sparked anger and frustration that I’d never seen from viewers before.  These are people who sat through The Fat Albert Christmas Special, for crying out loud, and that episode of Major Dad where everyone wants an Echo Gecko.  By this point they’d even seen an hour and a half worth of ALF.  If they had breaking points, I figured they’d have reached them a long time ago.

They could handle those episodes, and worse.  But they could not, it has to be said, handle Alpha’s Magical Christmas.  They rebelled.  They asked me to turn it off.  They begged for more ALF.  When I refused, someone threatened to murder my dog…and he did.  (I do not have a dog.  To this day I don’t know whose dog that was.)

Alpha’s Magical Christmas turns man into beast.  It regresses humanity to its single most primal urge:  to beat the living shit out of a robot who won’t stop singing about Christ.

It opens with Alpha walking into frame holding some Christmas gifts while some royalty-free instrumental of “Jingle Bells” plays, so clearly all the kids tuning in at home knew they were in for one hell of a ride.

He turns to the camera and says, “Oh, hello there! I’m just putting the final touches on my Christmas tree before the big day arrives.”  And I assure you that nothing that has ever been worth watching involves a character saying “oh, hello there!” to the people watching at home.

I don’t even get that plot device. Why is he saying hello to the viewers?  He doesn’t involve them in the rest of the episode.  He just immediately goes about his business.  He doesn’t even ask how we’re doing.  He doesn’t care how we’re doing.  We’re watching Alpha’s Magical Christmas.  How could we possibly be doing?

I understand it’s exposition, but there’s no reason he couldn’t have said this to Zordon, instead.  Like, “Don’t peek, Zordon, I’m just finishing up the tree!” and Zordon could start crying because he’s trapped in a tube and can’t walk the fuck out on this garbage.

And, come to think of it, do we need exposition at all?  Does he have to say “I’m trimming the tree” if we can just watch him trim the tree and connect that dot for ourselves?

Also, remember when I said that thing about kids tuning in?  Joke’s on them; this never aired.  They had to get someone to buy it for them on VHS.  For many, this marked the beginning of their seasonal depression.

Then Alpha hurls us into a flashback to that morning.  Which is cool.  Because certainly everyone watching will be like, “Okay, so he’s trimming the tree, but what was he doing before hanging that tinsel?”

Why not just open with this scene?  Do we really need to jump backward in time from Alpha 5 decorating a tree to Alpha 5 announcing his intention to decorate a tree?

I mean, okay, maybe if you flashed back to that morning to show that the Power Rangers were fighting some really dangerous monster—a tin of ham with octopus arms, say—and we cut to the command center in total chaos, that would serve a purpose.  It’d show a clear difference in tone between that morning and…later that morning, and then maybe we could appreciate the holiday peace a bit more.

But, no, it’s literally just cutting to Alpha 5 standing a few yards away from where he just was standing.

And don’t worry; this thing ends without anyone fighting jack shit.  Because if there’s one thing every kid loved about Power Rangers it’s when their gay robot goes caroling.

Anyway, Alpha 5 is sad, or something, because he hasn’t trimmed the tree yet, even though we’ve already seen that he will trim the tree just fine, so, the nearest thing to tension can go fuck itself.

Zordon tells him to cheer up, because the Power Rangers are off helping Santa.  And saying we should “cheer up” because the stars of the show we tuned in to watch won’t even be making an appearance is a pretty lovely punch to the viewers’ genitals, I have to admit.

So…the Power Rangers are helping Santa?  No, that doesn’t sound good, but wouldn’t you rather watch that than a mid-90s Roomba putter around an empty set?

We were just told that a much more watchable—or at least enjoyably awful—Power Rangers Christmas special is happening entirely off camera.  Anyway, to hell with that, let’s all listen to Conky sing “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen.”

Alpha 5 realizes it is some pretty massive BS for the Power Rangers to not appear in their own damned Christmas special, so he decides to decorate like he’s never decorated before!  …with the justification that Santa will have to stop at the command center, and then he can see the Power Rangers.

Who the hell programmed this robot to obsessively stalk teenagers?  Gary Glitter?  Get a grip, Alpha.

Instead of getting a grip—this grip or any grip!—he creates decorations by firing bolts of Christmas cheer out of his hands or some such nonsense.  Who knows.  Listen, we’ve already established that he’s aware of us watching at home and that the Power Rangers are close, personal friends of Santa Claus.  He could shit out a meatball sub and we’d have no room to argue.

Also if he can just radiate actual Christmas decorations into existence, why didn’t he decorate the whole room in one big flash?  Why is he walking around with presents in his arms when he can conjure things out of thin air?  Guys, I think I found a minor plot inconsistency in Alpha’s Magical Christmas!

Anyway, Zordon warns Alpha 5 not to press the red button that makes the special last for another 22 minutes.

No, Alpha!  Noooo!

Actually, it just makes a fully decorated Christmas tree descend from the ceiling.  So I guess Zordon can also manifest Christmas decorations.

That’s…fine, I guess.  But Alpha acts like the tree is a great gift.  Why?  If you have the ability to make cupcakes appear on empty plates, and your closest friend also has the same ability, is it meaningful in any way if you just make cupcakes appear for each other?  Why would either of you care?

And it makes me understand even less how we caught Alpha 5 in the middle of decorating the tree, when the flashback explains that the tree arrived fully decorated.  What you tryinna pull here, robot?
Anyway, Alpha gets moist that the Power Rangers are going to stop by with Santa, now that the place is the yuletide equivalent of pimped out.  So…was Santa not going to come if they didn’t hang lights?  I mean, if those are the rules here, so be it, but then wouldn’t Alpha 5 have known this and decorated weeks ago?  Why does he have to do it in a panic?

Then “O Christmas Tree” starts up and…

who the hell is this

Some strange girl just hangs a bauble on the tree without any introduction or explanation.  We have an extended flashback to explain where the tree came from (“I pushed a fuckin’ button.”) but not even an attempt to justify the sudden appearance of a little girl we’ve never seen before and will never see again?

Then there’s some other kid who looks like he just opened the biggest gift under the tree and saw that it contained a bag of socks.

Where are these kids coming from?

We keep cutting to, like, stock footage of cities, and then the camera just barely starts to zoom in on a house…after which we’re back in the command center and some kid decorates the tree.

I guess the implication is that these homes are where they’re coming from, but it’s not really clear. They use a special effect for Alpha 5 hanging Christmas lights, but not for when a robot beams a confused child into the command center from halfway around the world?

Anyway, none of the kids panic.  I don’t know about you, but if I was getting ready for bed or something and the next thing I knew I was being handed a load of tinsel by Johnny Five, I’d need, like, at least four solid hours of explanation.

Then the kids just decorate the tree (chronologically the third fucking time this tree’s been decorated) while the song plays.  You’d think since these kids are being kidnapped from various countries they would have at least used “O Tannenbaum” but whatever.  Fuck that.  We speak English here.

One of the kids hangs some kind of card or something on the tree, making sure that the text faces the camera.  Which is a good impulse.  Better than the impulse of the assholes actually making this special, who don’t seem to care that the reflected light is glaring to the point that you can’t read a damned thing it says.

I have to warn you right now:  this is the whole special.  Some Christmas music plays, we zoom in on the tree from some different angles.  Repeat until contractually obligated Christmas special is legally complete.

Then Zordon tells Alpha 5 to press the green button and…

…oh.  We do get special effects for the kids being ripped from their bed.  But only now?  Why not before?  Why not when the episode was trying to establish this idea in the first place?  How odd.

Also, I’m assuming these kids are Christian.  (It’d be pretty cruel for Zordon to steal a Jehovah’s Witness who’d just spend the whole time in the command center sitting with a sour face.)  So what are the odds that at least one of them thought God was Rapturing them?  That’d be pretty hilarious, when it turned out they were just being set up on a playdate with a lonely midget.

Also also also also, was the green button just a placebo button, or what?  It beams kids into the command center, but kids were already being beamed into the command center.  What gives, Zordon?

I don’t know about you, but a guy in a robot suit pushing a button that does nothing always makes me feel like singing, so Alpha and the kids start into a version of “Here We Come A-Wassailing” that has all instances of the word “wassailing” stripped from it, because kids are stupid and will never notice anyway.

Seriously, why rewrite these lyrics?  It’s like if you were to be asked to sing “The Christmas Song,” but you don’t know what chestnuts are, so instead you just say you’re roasting gummy bears on an open fire.  Your ignorance doesn’t override the lyrics.  Just sing the fucking song, asshole.

They do leave the “God bless the master of this house…” bit intact, though.  You’d think if they cut anything it’d be the invocation of the Christian god, but, no, that’s fine.  It’s just that we don’t know what “wassailing” is, and the dictionary is all the way in the other room, so we get edits of ignorance as opposed to sensitivity.  Good show.

Alpha 5 shows off his fiery dance moves by…oh, no, wait.  He just hugs the kids and spins slowly in a circle.  The song lasts for like two minutes, too.

That’s literally all you see him do for two minutes.  HE SPENDS A TENTH OF THE SHOW HUGGING AND SPINNING

The song ends and Alpha 5 welcomes the kids to his “magical Christmas party.”  And, I dunno, but I think it’s a bit late for these kids to be learning where in the living shit they are.  A moment ago they were getting into bed, now they’re in this weird, computer-y place they’ve never seen before, getting sung at by an android.

For fuck’s sake, introduce the concept sooner; these kids are probably terrified.  At the very least, let them know where they are before you hug them.  That’s basic stuff there.  Explain to your hostages where they are, then hug them.

Also, this special was blocked by an imbecile.  The kids are all clustered together around Alpha, so that there’s not even room enough for any of them to fart.

Seriously, it’s not that bad in the closeups, but when we cut to a different camera just a little bit further back, it looks ridiculous.

Spread out, kids, Jesus.  You’ve got the whole command center, and you need to stand within three inches of the caroling space robot?

So the mechanoman welcomes the kids to the Christmas party, and they say, in unison—the way all children talk, all the time—“Any time, Alpha!”

How do they know who this asshole is?  Come to think of it, why didn’t they so much as blink when he welcomed them to “the command center”?  Yes, Stranger Danger is largely a dangerous overreaction to a fairly small problem, but these kids need to be asking some questions.  They can’t just be okay when a guy with a pie tin on his head welcomes them to his super-secret no-tell Christmas basement.

Alpha tells the kids to make Christmas decorations, which seems pretty ridiculous when he can shoot Christmas decorations out his fingertips and there seems to be an entire console dedicated to manufacturing Christmas decorations at the push of a button, but, whatever, get to work, kids.

Also, damn, the command center is already crammed full of Christmas shit.  How many damned decorations do the Power Rangers need to see before they decide to let Santa visit somebody’s house?

And can you please just read over that last sentence a few times until it sinks in how fucking bizarre this entire special really is?

Alpha then starts crooning “Deck the Halls” with some invisible choir of other, uninvited children, and the implication is clear:  these decorations better be good, or he’s never shutting the fuck up.
Then he starts shooting Christmas lasers everywhere, manufacturing gingerbread houses, Christmas lights, and for some damn reason a single red bauble that just floats in the air, not attached to anything.

Again, I hate to harp on this “he can make decorations appear out of nowhere” thing, but why isn’t he just making them all appear at once?  This is sort of like someone with the ability to conjure up food out of nothing, but instead of whipping up a feast he slowly, meticulously makes corn appear, kernel by kernel.  We’ll be here all night.  It’s faster to just hire someone to do this for you, magic or not.

Some poor girl smiles and applauds, having been misinformed that the Power Rangers would eventually appear in this episode of Power Rangers.

I have to assure you that these songs are sung in their entirety, by the way.  When I say that Alpha 5 is singing “Excuse My Christmas,” it’s not because he hums a few bars.  It’s because he sings all 88 stanzas while standing in place and vaguely waving his arms, and we’re expected to just sit and home and wait patiently for him to finish.

I don’t know how long you think “Deck the Halls” is, but I assure you that, watching this, you’ll concede that it’s at least 25 times longer than you ever would have guessed.

Then, because there’s nothing legally preventing Alpha from doing so, he starts the song over again from the top.

It’s bad.  It’s stupid.  But, worst of all, it’s boring as all hell.  Watching Alpha’s Magical Christmas isn’t like listening to Christmas music on the radio; it’s like watching a radio sing Christmas music.

The song ends with Alpha singing “Fa la la la la, la ay yi yi!” It’s exactly as easy and natural a fit as you expect it is.

Then a snowman winks at us.

Fuck this shit.

Alpha thanks the kids for their help decorating, even though everything we see is crap that flew out of his fingertips during one of his songs.  All we saw the kids do was put popcorn on a string and make one of those construction paper chains.  And those things aren’t even hanging anywhere.  Alpha probably threw them in the trash while the snowman was winking.

Then Alpha starts talking to the kids, and I think two things:

1) I hate this.
2) What happened to us at home?  He started out talking to us. Now that he’s surrounded by strange kids, though, he’s all over them instead.  Alpha, you floozy.

Then he talks to the kids for a bit, and I honestly thought that this might be nice, not least because this special needs some dialogue at some point.  But really Alpha’s just forcing them to cue him up for the next song.

ALPHA: You know, many families have their own Christmas traditions. Do you do anything special at Christmas time, Steven?

STEVEN: It snows where I live, so I like to go sleigh riding.

ALPHA: Does the sleigh have jingle bells on it?



Like, it’s weird.  He’s clearly leading the kid, to the point that he has to prompt him with the name of the next song.  But Steven already said “sleigh riding,” so why the fuck doesn’t Alpha sing “Sleigh Ride”?  Okay, okay, I know it’s because the script says he sings “Jingle Bells.”  But then why doesn’t the script have Steven allude to “jingle bells” himself?

Why does this show have to fight itself to give Alpha the cue he’s looking for?

It’s really weird.  It would be like Alpha asking the kid who his favorite Christmas character is, and the kid says Frosty the Snowman.  Then Alpha sings “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” with some flimsy pretext that Rudolph was Frosty’s good friend.  Just have the kid say Rudolph if that’s what you want to sing, you fuck.

So, yeah, of course, they sing the everloving shit out of “Jingle Bells.”  Big deal.

But then, finally, the episode proper starts.

Alpha, feeling himself tuckered out from dancing with children all night, sits down on a chair.

Zordon asks if he’s okay, but Alpha says he’s just sleepy, and he needs to rest his eyes a bit.  A few moments later, Alpha finds himself alone in the command center.

He wanders around, calling out to the kids, but nobody answers.  He wonders how long he’s slept, then he realizes he’s not alone after all.  A spirit with a blank expression hovers before him. Frightened, Alpha attempts to back away, but finds that his legs won’t move.

“Do not be afraid,” the spirit says.  “I’m here to show you the true meaning of Christmas.”

It’s here that Alpha’s journey begins, as he comes to realize that by dedicating himself to decorating for the holiday, he missed what was really important:  the companionship.  The selflessness of the kids who showed up to help.  The true gift of genuine Christmas joy.

And it’s a good lesson.  Christmas isn’t about doing enough of something that you get rewarded for it.  It’s not saying your prayers often enough that Jesus will love you.  It’s not behaving enough that Santa will bring you toys.  It’s not decorating enough that the Power Rangers will come to visit.

It’s about the honest spirit of goodwill and…

My mistake; none of that happens.  Alpha just sings “Good King Wenceslas” and interjects “ay yi
yi!” wherever the fuck he can while the kids bake cookies.

Jesus Christ.  I’m not normally one to shame people for their faith, but I think it’s safe to say that if there were a God He would have brought a second flood just to destroy all copies of Alpha’s Magical Christmas.

Anyway, Alpha pretends to wipe his mouth and he says “Yummy!”  But he didn’t eat a fucking cookie.  You made the kids bake them for nothing, you shit.

Now they sing “Up on the House Top,” because they’ve come this far and they might as well.  “Up on the House Top” is that “Ho ho ho, who wouldn’t know?” song.  It sucks.  There’s a reason you’ll never hear anyone but a malfunctioning space robot sing it.

As I said, we watched this during the Xmas Bash!!!!, and everyone hated it.  But what was interesting to me is that the following year we watched We Wish You a Turtle Christmas, which was also fucking terrible, and featured Ninja Turtles who didn’t blink and whose jaws were in constant danger of just falling off…but people liked it.  They had fun watching it.  It was just these dumbass, idiotic characters from our youth singing Christmas songs…but it was watchable.  In a way that Alpha’s Magical Christmas absolutely was not.

A viewer who tuned in both years had some idea as to why that was.  He said that the Ninja Turtles special was, yes, fuckawful.  But the Turtles varied their approach for each song.  So one was done as an aria, one had a reggae twist, one was rapped…

They were all terrible, but at least they were different.  It kept it from getting boring.
Alpha’s Magical Christmas, though, uses the same approach for all songs:  the kids and Alpha sing exactly the way you’d expect on the least enthusiastic Kidz Bop Christmas album imaginable.  It’s just so…bland.

We Wish You a Turtle Christmas is legendarily awful.  And rightly so.

But it’s objectively better than Alpha’s Magical Christmas.

Then there’s a siren, and Alpha flips out because he thinks they’re being invaded, or something.  But Zordon lets him know it’s actually just a transmission from the North Pole.  OF COURSE IT IS WHY WOULD IT NOT BE A TRANSMISSION FROM THE NORTH POLE

It’s the Power Rangers and Santa, or, as he’s known in Britain, Alpha’s Magical Father Christmas.  I don’t know why none of the characters are looking at the camera, though.  Didn’t these fuckers initiate the call?  How rude to Facetime someone and then just keep cooking dinner or whatever, making them wait before you even say hello.

Anyway, it’s been a while since I watched Power Rangers, but I’ll do my best with the names. Clockwise from the guy you can’t see in the upper left:  Bipsy, The Gander, Hank, Lady Hank, Brutus, Li’l Bits, and Alpha’s Magical Father Christmas.

ALPHA:  Uh…you guys gonna talk or anything?

Santa says “Ho ho ho,” which is about the level of creativity I’d expect.  But hey!  At least the Power Rangers are here!  Like…actually here!  In this special!  Now we can finally…

Oh, for f—

Santa just called you.  On the fucking videophone.  What does he want?  You didn’t even ask.  It was probably pretty important, since this is literally the only night of the year on which he has no time to spare.

But, no, Alpha just wanders away to sing “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.”  While jolly old Saint Nicholas is actually waiting for the fucking song to finish so he can say whatever he had to say.

What if he’s going to say Rita is attacking the North Pole, or something?  Maybe she made a Christmas tree come to life and it ate all the elves.  Maybe the Power Rangers are in trouble.  Maybe something is threatening Christmas at the 11th hour and only Alpha can help?

Oh well.  I guess Alpha read the script and knows full well how utterly pointless this special is destined to be, so he grooves with the kids and makes Santa regret springing for the long distance call.

So, anyway, Santa and the six very people Alpha was just bitching about not being able to see are still waiting on the phone while he begins an entirely different, unrelated song:  “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.”

Wouldn’t this make more sense for one of the Power Rangers to sing?  Of course Alpha’s going to be home for Christmas; he didn’t go anywhere.  Isn’t the point of the song usually that somebody is coming home?  Not staying home?

Alpha sings this shit to a Frosty the Snowman lawn ornament, meaning he’s more interested in communicating with that than with his friends.

Then we cut to Tommy doing a sick dunk.  Sick!

Alpha’s just fantasizing about his friends, I guess.  The friends waiting patiently on the line for him to stop it with the fucking Christmas carols and talk to them.

We see some clips of each of the Rangers, but his fantasies are Tommy-heavy.  Now you know exactly how much or how little you have in common with Alpha 5.

Seriously this guy wants to buttfuck Tommy like you would not believe.

Anyway, the song ends and Alpha literally just disconnects the call.  Without even talking to them. HE JUST HANGS UP

What the actual fuck?  The only thing this special is about is Alpha missing the Power Rangers, and the only thing that happens is that the Power Rangers call him.  So why the living shit did he just hang up on the Power Rangers?

The kids tell Alpha to cheer up.  Because he’s sad that he can’t see his friends.  Who just called him on the video phone.  Who he hung up on.

They give him a gift with a few hints:

It doesn’t need batteries.
It will never wear out.
You can take it wherever you like.

That’s right; it’s a chocolate orange.

Oh, no, wait, the kids cop out and say it’s love.  Which, fuck my fucking fuck, okay?  No part of this special should have caused any one of these assholes to feel love.  That’s number one.  Number two, and this is a big number two, is that these little shitheads are holding boxes.  They led us all to believe that the gift was something physical, but I guess they were just being assholes.

Alpha 5 somehow refrains from using his metal claws to crush their kneecaps to fine powder, and then he and the kids all sing “Silent Night,” the most Jesus-y Jesus song on all of Jesus Day.

I cannot express how strange it is to hear a fucking robot from space singing about Christ.  Do you have any idea how many theological questions that raises?

I’ve heard some pretty liberal interpretations of the Bible, guy, but not one of them has your robot ass being redeemed.  You’re a fucking machine.  My iPod is more likely to go to Heaven than you are. At least that thing sings songs I want to hear.

To prove his undying faith in a God who in no possible way cares about him, Alpha shows the kids his proposed design for a Starbucks holiday cup.

Alpha then hustles the kids out the door, and I guess they ran out of songs so they just sing “Silent Night” again.

Alpha practically says, “Okay, kids, the special’s over.  Get out of here so we can clean up the set for next week, when we get attacked by a giant muffin with trashcans for feet.”

It’s…weird.  Are these kids just going to walk home?  Zordon beamed them right out of their bedrooms; there’s no way they have their bearings.  Now they’re going to stumble around in the dark of night, alone, unsupervised?  We all know that if these kids get picked up, it won’t be by any loving parents, right?

Alpha closes, locks, and deadbolts the door behind them, and then says “ay yi yi” because nobody on Earth could possibly be worrying about the dialogue at this point.

He’s scared because another alarm went off, but this time it’s one announcing the arrival of the Power Rangers.  Again, I haven’t seen this show in a long time, but they sure have a hell of a lot of alarms for a place inhabited by a lone robot.  Couldn’t they just program the alarm into him?  Then he could directly interpret whatever’s happening and not have to flail around worrying about what some dumbass alarm means.

Speaking of which, can’t we make the POWER RANGER ARE HERE alarm look or sound different from the BOMBS ARE FALLING alarm?

Anyway, all three of the Power Rangers show up.


Okay, so, we do cut to that Magic 8-Ball thing that shows the other three.  They say, “Merry Christmas and happy New Year, everybody.”  Man, classic Power Rangers.

The Power Rangers—the three anyone cares about, anyway—then talk directly to us at home.  Oddly, they don’t chastise us for our choice of viewing material.  They are clearly bigger men than I will ever be.

Tommy makes some dumbass face.

Alpha says he has a surprise and makes some kind of bullshit fake snow fall out of the ceiling, so the Power Rangers wave at us.

Then they mouth along to some invisible children singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”

Fuck this show.

The special ends with Alpha fantasizing about Tommy’s cleavage.

He then says “ay yi yi,” and asks, “Wasn’t that fun?”

As if answering his own question, we hear him sing “Jingle Bells” again.  It’s not enough that the whole thing was singing…they have to repeat every other fucking song?

And, come on, this special was called Alpha’s Magical Christmas.  What was magical about it?  Yes, a robot shooting Christmas lights out of his wrists like an evangelical Spiderman is “magic,” but not exactly “magical.”  That term implies some sort of unexpectedly transformative experience.

A guy finding a penny behind your ear is magic.  The night you meet your future wife is magical.  A handkerchief that gets longer the more you pull it is magic.  The look you get from the puppy you adopted is magical.  Pulling a rabbit out of a hat is magic.  Your first drive down the Vegas Strip, with hookers as far as the eye can see, is magical.

This shit isn’t magical.  It’s just Alpha complaining and ignoring an expensive phone call from the North Pole.

I hate Christmas.


  1. I did enjoy your verbal burial of this atrocity though!

  2. It's worth noting that this travesty was actually the FIRST appearance of Rocky, Adam and Aisha! It was released on October 19, 1994, the day after "White Light, Part 2." The Stone Canyon trio didn't appear on the show until November 2.

    1. I remember noting that they only appear on the Viewing Globe and are never named, suggesting that this was filmed after the three Rangers' actors had walked off the show, but before their replacements were finalized. Just insert whomever it turns out to be at the last minute and ship it out! (Then they did the exact same thing for Kat in the VHS version of the next Christmas special, allowing some viewers to recognize Rita's new minion as the Rangers' future friend and ally at least.) But I guess they have the Green Ranger here because while the producers wanted you to get familiar with the Stone Canyon trio already, they didn't want to spoil the White Ranger in case this got released a little earlier, as nobody was totally sure what would air when when they had to put these video specials together an extra month early or so. (Yet the Green Ranger Kata video inserted clips of the White Ranger just to make it seem more up-to-date than when it was generally filmed, I thought.)

      Maybe it was future clone Tommy visiting from the past...? And maybe Alpha greets the camera so you can role-play the first kid he abducted, as if that were a desirable experience they're selling here, but I don't know anything for sure.

  3. Continuity schmontinuity... I hope you know that I'm suing you all for emotional damages for convincing me to watch this. I skipped to the Special Features DVDs just to watch it along with the blog, rather than saving it to inflict upon myself at Christmastime. As a child, I fortunately managed to escape it, as I watched the Fox Kids airing and only had access to VHS tapes that were at Blockbuster. This one wasn't... I. Wonder. Why. I work with kids and spent 12 hours today listening to baby songs, and I'd gladly spend another 12 listening to "Wheels on the Bus" on loop before watching this ever again.

    Honestly, where was the kid who was like, "Can you just send me home? I'm Jewish."