MMPR Season 2 Episode 45: Return of the Green Ranger Part 2

Nothing Happens, Go Home
Rita and Zedd Consider Adoption

Last week on Power Rangers, Zedd and Rita came up with a plan to finally rid us all of those meddlesome do-gooders. Rita would use a skull to summon a fat dude in a bedsheet who could create a clone of Tommy to trick the other Rangers. Also the primary five Rangers got sent back in time to Colonial California. No, I'm not mixing up different episodes. That's the actual plot. Yeah…I'm sorry.

So where did we leave off? Oh yeah. Some Australian lady has guided the five primary Ranger Teens into a barn to avoid being drawn and quartered by Redcoats. Colonial soldiers that are British for some reason even though the Brits didn't invade California. These soldiers should be Spanish if anything. That's something I would have mentioned last week if I knew anything about history, but I don't, so I have my readers to thank for pointing that out. I appreciate you good people helping me out in the educational areas I fall flat. Areas such as math, science, history, English, gym, sociology, psychology, reading, writing, and basically anything else that doesn't fall under the umbrella of "Power Rangers Trivia."

Australian Colonial Girl flashes some PG-rated sex eyes at Adam and tells the group her name is Marissa. At least that's what I think she said, because it sounded more like "OY'M MUHRISSA, DRONGO." Kimberly interrupts the budding romance between Adam and whoever this 1700's girl is and demands to know why everyone is calling them witches. Billy interjects and informs her that back in this time period, anyone who deviated from the norm and stood out as unique was considered to be a witch. How utterly fitting is it that Billy of all people knows this? He probably read that in his history book and started crying that 200 years of progress has still lead to him getting his face dunked in the toilet.

Marissa asks what that 30 year old in blue meant by referring to their time period as "olden days." The Ranger Teens come to the realization that they've just butterfly effected this whole situation, and the only way they're getting out of it is if Rocky goes back in time to when his mother was pregnant and strangles himself with the umbilical cord.

Back in present day Angel Grove, Tommy and Clone Tommy engage one another in poorly-acted threats. Clone Tommy lowers his pitch to remind everyone at home that he's evil or whatever, and Regular Tommy talks about karate or whatever the fuck he does. Regular Tommy declares that he no longer has a dark side, because he's not the Green Ranger anymore. A claim that would make a lot more sense if he didn't become the Green Ranger due to brainwashing and asian-ifying by Rita. It would also make more sense if Tommy hadn't spent a much longer period of time as the Green Ranger fighting for justice than he ever spent fighting for Rita.

I know Tommy's forgetful, but are you telling me he forgot the only thing that happened in his life that actually mattered?

Zedd and Rita relish at the idea of two Tommy's barking at each other until the heat death of the universe and cackle over how evil they are. The most devious duo in the galaxy celebrate their wicked plot by enjoying a quick dance in the Moon Palace. It's such a weird little nothing moment, but it's more entertaining than watching our heroes dwell in a time before entertainment was invented.

This is more romantic than Tommy and Kim could even dream of being.

Back in 17th Century Austrangel Grove, we see the tail-end of a conversation with Billy and Marissa, where Billy explains how he and his compatriots were sent 200 years into the past by a balding sorcerer with a beer gut and a Bad Dragon wand. Marissa reacts to this off-screen exposition dump by nodding politely, instead of reacting more appropriately and ripping her own face off in terror. You're telling me Billy could talk this lady down from time travel? This lady who lives in a time period where you're allowed to own people?

Not only that, but this episode sent our heroes 200 years back into the past and this is the only instance where someone will learn who they really are. Any moment of discovery or intrigue that a colonist would have was completely glossed over during a commercial break. Marissa could have…I don't know. Asked them something. Asked them about the future. Asked them if that young buck Benjamin Franklin will be available. FUCKING ANYTHING.

Why in the name of all that's holy in this dogshit universe of ours did the writers of this show send the Ranger Teens back in time if they were going to refuse to do anything with the idea? Why? I would expect there to be a scene of culture shock, or a scene where someone discusses how things are different in the future and a character from the past doesn't believe it. Y'know, things that happen in media that have plots. You don't even get some stereotypical overdone joke that's been ripped off of "Back to the Future," you just get the Rangers going back in time and explaining their situation to some farm wench who inexplicably believes their completely bugnuts story. What a bunch of malarkey.

Oh sorry I spoke too soon. Marissa asks what Angel Grove is like in 200 years and Kim and Aisha discuss shopping and buying makeup. You shitheads flew the cast out to Australia and this is the best script you could come up with? Kiss my grits.

While our heroes encourage a 18th century serf to dedicate her life to times she'll never live to see, Bulk and Skull take a snooze with each other in Angel Grove Park. The boys are cuddling up together while napping, because you really need to be in a lovers' arms after a wizard gives you the business. Also since this is the 90's, we have to have a scene where a pair of girls walk by and laugh at them because they appear to be engaging in sodomy. Hysterical.

I always had Skull pegged as the catcher

In case you were wondering, the two Tommys are still arguing with each other in badly edited two-shots. This goddamned episode has been going on for five minutes and nothing is happening. Would somebody morph or talk about monsters? 

Zordon and Alpha detect a disturbance in the force Morphing Grid and consult the Viewing Globe to find that there's apparently another Tommy kicking around. Alpha 5 summarizes my feelings on the episode by exclaiming, "Oh no! This is terrible!" Then Zordon strokes his massive globular chin as he ponders the marketing potential of making a Power Rangers team comprised of nothing but Tommys.

Now that the episode has spent enough of my precious time dragging its heels, the Wizard of Deception arrives and declares his soldier must battle. Clone Tommy spells out exactly how this episode was pitched when he growls, "The White Ranger VS the Green Ranger." Then, after what seems like an hour of morphenomenal edging, our boys morph. I'm so happy a trilogy named "Return of the Green Ranger" took an episode and a half to feature the Green Ranger returning. Brevity is the soul of shit.

For all the whining I've done, this is a scene that has started off by hitting me in all my nostalgic sweet spots. It reads like a fanfiction script put to the bronze screen. The White and Green Rangers square off like junkyard dogs, sizing one another up.

Then the two Tommys square off and the fight…just doesn't grab me. I want to be invested. It's a cool idea. I guarantee you kids watching this fight were freaking out. I just can't be all about it. I don't know what the deal is. Maybe I'm in a weird mood watching it, or maybe it's because this skirmish doesn't last all that long. It just doesn't strike me as a very fun fight. It might be because of mediocre choreography like this.

This is going to continue until one of their hearts gives out

Or it's entirely possible I've finally gotten tired of grown men in spandex performing karate on one another. I might have come to the point in my life that I can't get a child-like joy watching children's action programming. This very moment in time is reflecting the time I've spent on an endeavor as fleeting as an endless television program about karate kids beating up space demons. It's showing me that the time I've put into this franchise is as futile as fighting against a clone of myself, and the only way to win is to stop fighting back and accept my one way out. I can be rid of this horrible curse so long as I accept this escape. My psyche has given me a path to salvation if I choose to take it here and now.

...but maybe this fight will get better if I keep watching.

While Tommy has his work and hair cut out for him, the other Ranger Teens are in some real trouble. A pair of slimy ?British? redcoats are surveying the barn they're hiding in. Oh no! Our superheroes in rainbow ponchos are going to be put up against a couple of dweebs with muskets. Whatever will they do? Why is this subplot even in the episode? We could have a nice short and simple two-parter, but of course not. Why do that when we could waste time dicking around in the confederate states of California?

The other Ranger Teens aren't worried though, because they are certain that Tommy will save them! Even though the last they saw of Tommy had him cackling in their faces while clearly in league with a fat dude in a black towel. How goddamned helpless are you losers that you shirk any and all sense of hope for your situation and assume Tommy has to save you? What a bunch of pathetic dweebs. No wonder kids aren't buying your toys anymore.

Billy tries in vain to contact Zordon again, but he's thwarted by the fact that electricity has yet to be invented. As the Ranger Teens stew, a redcoat appears that looks exactly like Skull. Why? Because we're paying him and Bulk to be in these episodes so by God they better be doing something.

The most dignity Jason Narvy was ever allowed to have.

Captain RedSkull scolds Marissa for helping these accursed witches, but she proclaims that they're nothing of the sort. Colonial Skull asks why she believes that, and Marissa darts her eyes from side to side as she realizes there's no answer. Why did she rescue them? Because whoever wrote this script wanted them to be rescued from redcoats. Why does she trust them? Who cares. We're going to find an excuse to film these idiots in Australia if it takes us another thousand weeks to shoot this fucking movie.

Back in present time, the Tommys continue their unengaging brawl. The Rangers are stuck in a perpetual stalemate against each other, and neither seems ready to surrender. Then this episode completely fails to deliver on what I want and has the Wizard of Deception knock White Ranger out with some lightning from his staff.

Jesus Christ.

Power Rangers, you promised me an episode where the White and Green Rangers fight each other. I didn't expect an asterisk in the corner of that title that would read "And the Green Ranger tags in a middle-aged balding accountant in a lizard mask to finish the job." If I wanted to watch the Shockmaster in action, I already would have done so. Presumably from the end of a rope with my feet dangling over the remote.

The Wizard of Deception cackles over how badly he's mismanaged the audiences' time and gives the Clone Green Ranger a new set of orders. He wants his Green Ranger to enter the Command Center to give Zordon the business. The Wizard of Deception magics up a Power Coin so that Clone Tommy can enter the Command Center, but it seems like Clone Tommy had a coin on him this whole time. You can't morph without a Power Coin, so why's the Wizard giving him a second coin? Is it possible that this episode needed to find another way to pad out a few seconds with some half-remembered continuity? Or maybe I'm being extra hard on this episode because it sucks.

Alpha 5 tries desperately to contact the Power Rangers, but he's soon met with the last Ranger he wanted to see. The Evil Green Ranger appears inside of the Command Center through the magic of stock footage, and barks threats at Zordon. Watch out everybody, he's not taking any guff from the head in a glass jar or the comic-relief automaton. This guy means business!

Oh yeah, remember that cute scene of Zedd and Rita dancing earlier in the episode? Well they're still doing it. I seriously thought I had rewound the DVD on accident, but no they're not done dancing. They aren't even keeping an eye on their plans anymore. It's awe-inspiring how padded this episode has been. We're more than halfway done, and the only thing that has happened was that disappointing White and Green fight. Also I guess there's a British colonialist Skull running around too? File this whole episode under "Who Gives a Shit?"

Thankfully this episode answers my prayers with all I've ever wanted: a scene worth watching. As Rita and Zedd dance, Rita mutters under her breath over how much better things will be when she takes control. Zedd doesn't notice her conspiring against him, and tells her that he has an exquisite idea after the White Ranger is murdered. They should expand their freakish little family with a bouncing bundle of baneful bliss. The look on Rita's face when she realizes she would have to become intimate with this melted batch of plastic and leather is utterly priceless.

This will be the same face she makes looking at his steel-plated pecker.

As soon as Zedd says anything remotely resembling the "B" word, Rita flees screaming into Finster's lab. She screeches at her monster-maker to concoct a new potion that will remove all notions of babies from Zedd's crazed noggin. Finster finds the idea of his queen having a child to be charming, but she demands that he create some kind of magic goop that will demolish Zedd's libido for good.

Yeah, this is the best scene in an episode where the Green Ranger and White Ranger duke it out. How does Power Rangers manage to completely botch an incredible premise, but handle Rita's voluntary infertility with such charm? What is this show?

Back in Colonial Angel Grove, the Ranger Teens take Marissa with them and flee from Redcoat Skull. In case you didn't get enough of them running away from the redcoats at the end of Part 1. Nothing I like more than Part 2 of an episode clumsily repeating what happened in Part 1.

Marissa and the Ranger Teens find a horse-drawn carriage that belongs to Marissa's Uncle Ben. What kind of Uncle Ben you ask? The kind that hawks inedible rice? No. The kind that is shot to death by a criminal every time we reboot the franchise? No. Marissa is related to a much bulkier Ben.

Guess she won't be asking if he's single.

Zordon and Clone Tommy continue to argue, and the Big Z tries to talk tough. Clone Tommy asks what his plan of attack is going to be, and asks if he's going to send that stuttering robot after him. Zordon is noticeably silent after this line, possibly because he just got incinerated.

Clone Tommy posits that wherever the Ranger Teens are now, history is going to be repeating itself. Why he offered this coy remark is completely beyond me, because it immediately leads Alpha 5 and Zordon to the conclusion that the Wizard of Deception sent the Rangers back in time. Way to go CT, they must have created you from the stupidest patch of Tommy's hair.

Alpha 5 begins scanning the chrono-molecular whosawhatsit to find the lost Rangers while the Wizard of Deception congratulates his Green Ranger on talking all sorts of shit. The Wiz tells Clone Tommy to begin the destruction of Angel Grove without him, because he's going to make sure the Ranger Teens in the past are kept under control as well. I'm not sure I understand the point of stranding your mortal enemies 200 years in the past and then going back to kill them yourself. Wouldn't the whole temporal displacement be enough? Can't this show pick one evil scheme and stick with it?

The Ranger Teens huddle together at Uncle Ben's farmhouse, all the while kicking rocks over how bad the 18th century sucks dick. Aisha hates this place even worse because she feels Rocky's foot touching her ass. He informs Aisha that he's a confirmed bachelor for life and he would never dream of touching a human female. She discovers what was really touching her were actually a small trio of rats. She screams and runs away from them while all the other characters inexplicably laugh at her reaction. For once I'd like one of the characters in this show to act like a human being, and someday I swear to you I will witness that occurrence.

The yukfest over Aisha's ass being touched by rats is soon interrupted by the Wizard of Deception's appearance. The Ranger Teens ask him why he smells of Bud-Lite and why he replaced his cloak with a Bon Jovi t-shirt, but he ignores their queries. He assures our heroes that they soon won't have a home to return to once his forces destroy Angel Grove. Usually isn't the plan to send your monsters back in time to destroy the past so it can ruin the present? What a coincidence. My trip back in time to 20 years ago is ruining my present.

While the Rangers threaten the Wizard of Deception, he decides to create some beasts to battle the Rangers for him. With a zap of his wand, the Wizard envelops those three rats that were groping Aisha with blue energy. Now allow me to introduce you to some of the lamest monsters in Power Rangers history.

Oof.

Yeah, these are the Rat Monsters. A trio of growling, slobbering, worthless nobodies. What special powers do they have? They're rats. What's their personality? They're big rats. Cut. Print. Perfect. Hickory Dickory Dock. These monsters suck cock.

The Ranger Teens attempt to morph so they can combat these ferocious vermin, but their Morphers fail to work. Billy surmises this is because they're in a time period before they met Zordon and gained their powers. Which makes about as much and as little sense as anything else anybody says in this show so whatever. Adam suggests that he and his pals fight the overgrown rodents, but Billy chickens out and suggests they're not sure what the rats are capable of. I can tell you what they're capable of. Growling and looking like shit.

While the Ranger Teens flee from the rats in this episode's 90th consecutive chase sequence, the Green Ranger prepares a big surprise for Angel Grove. He whips out his Dragon Dagger and begins playing his Dragon Dagger to summon the legendary Dragonzord. The tension builds up, everyone in the audience waits with baited breath for the return of the ferocious beast. Green Ranger blows another melody on his flute…

Then the scene cuts away to Lord Zedd who laughs evilly and the episode ends. No, I'm serious. The scene cut away from the Green Ranger in the middle of his tune so that the episode could spit in your face. I've never seen a more blatant "Fuck you" from this show.

TO BE CONTINUED

Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Lord Zedd's Sex Drive

Personal Thoughts

Holy shit. This episode stinks. I gave last week's episode the benefit of the doubt, but this one pissed away all the goodwill I had toward it. What a piece of trash.

Like seriously, watch the last minute of this episode as it tries desperately to get viewers excited. Then the show realizes it's stalled for enough time and can pull the rug out from underneath you. Thanks for tuning in suckers. You can practically feel the editor counting down the seconds on the clock before this installment has become long enough to legally air on television. The centerpiece of this episode was supposed to be the Green Ranger and White Ranger fight, but even that couldn't entertain me. I would have rather had an episode about Alpha 5 hosting a book club inside the Command Center than sit through this borefest again. 

The only thing I have worth mentioning about this episode is some background on the Rat Monsters. No seriously. They were created for use in the Power Rangers movie, but Haim Saban thought they looked too cheap and put the kibosh on their inclusion. When Haim "I make my shows out of shoestring, Japanese footage, and rubber cement" Saban is calling your suits cheap, you know you did something wrong.