Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 60: An Oyster Stew

Homeless Peddler Regales Teenager With Stories of Long Dead Wife
Oyster Ejaculates Acidic Pepto-Bismol

Sorry to say everyone, but this week marks the final episode of Power Rangers first season. I can't tell you guys how proud I am to be this far. Although it feels like only yesterday I was informing you guys about how Bulk is fat and Skull is an embarrassment to humanity. My how time flies!

Today's episode starts with Bulk being fat while singing and Skull humiliating himself on guitar. The two come up with lyrics describing women as appealing by comparing them to porcupines and mud. For some reason, these similes don't get Kimberly sloppy as she heckles the two morons for being unable to find a word that rhymes with "mean." Bulk and Skull promise they're going to an audition today that will make them so famous, she'll be begging to partake in history's most tragic threesome.

Zack and Tommy lift weights while Zack spots Angela doing some sensual aerobics. Zack goes from six to midnight while he talks about some ridiculous scheme to surprise Angela on her birthday with a bunch of romantic garbage. You know who you can surprise on their birthday with a romantic gesture? A girl you're dating. You don't give diamonds to some girl you want to take on the bone trolley and expect her to follow up on it.

Tommy tells Zack he could try sending Angela some flowers which wouldn't make him look like a crazy ass stalker, but Zack says that shit is old hat. He needs to get Angela a nice juicy pair of pearl earrings the same size as her luscious bosoms. Kimberly suggests something that won't put Zack in the poorhouse, such as a singing telegram. A singing telegram? Is Kimberly trying to cockblock Zack? It's common knowledge singing telegrams were instituted in 1853 by the "Abstinence Committee" to prevent anyone from getting laid for the rest of time.

Zack takes all of these shitty ideas and combines them into one REALLY shitty idea. He'll take Angela to a fancy restaurant where he can surprise her with a singing telegram before he busts out some gorgeous pearl earrings. Well, Zack may not be able to go to college but at least he might have a chance at getting a pity-fuck from a girl who tolerates him.

Rita realizes Zack's love is making him mushy and weak and a perfect target for one of her inevitable failures of a scheme. She defers to Goldar for the umpteenth time who suggests that Rita should use her Ecocide Pearl to summon the Oysterizer monster who can pollute the sea and control the world. Guess Rita forgot her own demands last week for "no more seafood." I have to give credit to the writer of this week's episode; Oysterizer is a top shelf monster name. Right behind the Two Headed Parrot that belongs in the garbage.

The next day at school, Zack takes a deep breath and starts making his move on Angela. He awkwardly informs her that he knows her birthday is coming up and he wants to take her out to dinner where he's got a big surprise waiting for her. Ladies at home, this should be triggering all of your danger sensors. Even Angela realizes what a creep he is with a stellar reaction.

A look that says "Did this fuckboi just try to touch me?"

Zack manages to convince Angela by saying the restaurant he's taking her to is a French cafe. For whatever reason this makes her think that Zack is much more sophisticated than she initially believed and she can totally trust going to dinner with him. Why be with friends and loved ones on your birthday when you could spend time with some guy you don't really like who's trying to lose his class ring in you.

Rita awakens her Oysterizer monster whom she communicates with through her crystal ball. The monster and his big disgusting clam face start bowing as he mentions his devious Pearls of Stillness. Rita thinks they'll make the perfect gift for Zack to give Angela and totally ruin their date. Y'know if you're not using the greatest magical powers in the universe to ruin a teenager's boner jam, you're not using it right.

Can't decide between an innie and an outie? Why not both?

An Oyster Stew thankfully avoids some dumb scene of Zack shopping for pearl earrings that ends with him getting laughed out of the store. All the show gives us is a shot of him walking out of a jewelry store muttering about how expensive pearls are. That still doesn't make up for what an atrocious idea it was for Zack to promise Angela a mind blowing surprise before he actually bought the earrings. Now for her birthday Zack can give her a nice beautiful box of broken hopes. Good luck getting laid now dick.

Zack wanders his blue balls back home as he bemoans the fact that things cost money. Lucky for Zack he just happens to wander into the man who can solve all of his problems. A homeless wino in a trench coat peddling cheap crap.

Those leggings are just for show. He ain't wearing pants.

The drunken man sitting on a park bench promises Zack he's got the answer to all of Zack's problems. Zack immediately starts listening intently to what this vagrant has to say. In case you had forgotten; this is a show for children that has one of its characters listening to a homeless stranger offering to make all of a young boy's dreams come true. If these scripts weren't all written in 3 hours, you might have time to review them and see what terrible ideas they could give children watching.

Nameless Hobo reveals a pair of pearl earrings to Zack and tells him they're his patented love charm. For some reason Zack takes the time to ask this guy if his wares are stolen, so this show wants kids to be conscious enough to not buy stolen goods when they approach men in the park that reek of gin and child caskets.

Ol' Mi Casa Es No Casa tells Zack these pearls used to belong to his wonderfully deceased wife Edna. Zack likes the idea of owning a dead woman's jewelry and hands the man some wadded up bills that are apparently enough to buy a priceless memento from an old drunk. The peddler then informs Zack that these pearl earrings are only complete after he gives Angela a wonderful pearl necklace to match. Zack thanks the kindly old pervert before running away and calling the police.

No need though, as it turns out the old man was actually a Putty in disguise! I should have known! Angel Grove's been turning the homeless into dog food for years now! Funny enough the Putty still keeps Zack's money. Even if Rita's plan goes belly up today at least she can rest easy knowing she used a high schooler's money to buy a bottle of hooch.

Zack and Angela arrive at the French restaurant, with Kimberly and Tommy tagging along for a double date. When Zack reads the menu he comes to the shocking conclusion that the menu is all in F-F-F-FRENCH! How's Zack going to know which item on the menu is the calf's tongue and which item is the cow's brains?

Zack calls over a snooty French waiter fresh off the set of the latest Rodney Dangerfield film to order for the table. He takes the liberty of ordering for everyone, and opts to do it in French to impress some girl he wants to bang. Did someone with the script for this episode bump into someone with a Growing Pains script and get all the pages mixed up?

Jason, Trini, and Billy meander around the park because the script forgot to give them anything to do, and they're suddenly harassed by some Putties. Maybe it's just because I've been so hungry for action but this Putty battle actually gets me interested. There isn't a whole lot going on, other than Jason spin kicking a Putty about twenty times until it slams backwards into a tree. Though it's still some reject dressed in monochrome getting the piss beaten out of him. A little more interesting than Zack being unable to speak French.

Zordon comes to the realization that Rita has awakened her devious Oysterizer monster and his Ecocide Pearl. This magical weapon has the ability to destroy all ocean life if left unchecked, and Zordon's got a hot date at the seafood buffet next week. Alpha mentions the Oysterizer's dreaded Pearls of Stillness that will freeze anything they touch. You connecting the dots out there audience?

Zordon tells the three Putty pounding Rangers about Rita's evil scheme and Jason immediately puts together that Angela's pearls are these Pearls of Stillness. If Angela puts those things on then it's going to render all life forms motionless. Wait Zordon which life forms did you say would be motionless? All of them? Okay just wanted to double check.

Thanks to Zack removing Angela's autonomy from her in a shitty misguided attempt at impressing her, Zack and Angela have gotten absolute garbage food they have no interest in eating. Zack picks at some frog's legs that he lies about enjoying while Angela rolls her eyes at how full of shit this guy is. It comes with the territory when you're dating a magician.

Snooty French Waiter asks which member of the party is a mademoiselle Angela, and delivers the news that she has a singing telegram waiting for her. Scratch that, singing telegrams.

Nothing gets me in the mood quite like being serenaded by two idiots in red tights.

Skull doesn't want to serenade Zack because that might mean Angela won't accept one of the 48 voicemail messages he left for her, but Bulk says it's their duty as singing telegrams to play music and drop some panties. Tommy gets a beautiful dig in by telling the pair their audition clearly paid off. That's when the boys start singing horrendously and manage to render everyone in the vicinity sterile. Why does Rita need those Pearls of Stillness? Zack's ruining his date without any help from her at all.

Zack realizes how shitty everything is going and goes for his Hail Mary play with the earrings. 

Angela assumes with as awful as the evening is going it's a box of Anthrax, but Zack convinces her to open them. In spite of how terrible everything else is going, the sight of these pearls completely convinces Angela to fall head over heels for Zack. If only she knew they were stolen straight off a corpse.

The two lovebirds prepare to kiss across the table until Bulk and Skull stupid their way into knocking a cake onto Zack and Tommy's laps. The two break the table the Ranger Teens have been sitting at because they're clumsy assholes, and Bulk gets a mouthful of frogs legs. Skull gets stoked to see one of his favorite meals and rips them out of Bulk's mouth while complaining he wanted them. Would you believe me if I told you Skull's love of frog's legs actually has precedence? Neither would I.

Now that Zack's pants are covered in creamy white gunk, and also cake frosting, he and Tommy head to the bathroom to clean each other up. Don't wait up ladies! After the boys leave Angela decides to put her earrings on so she can show them off to men who she's actually interested in dating. Just as she's putting on the earrings; Jason, Billy, and Trini run in to try and stop her. Unfortunately Angela's lust for beautiful jewelry is too strong and she puts the earrings on before causing this to happen to the entire restaurant.

When I think evil spells, I think a shitty gray photoshop filter.

Soon enough, Zack and Tommy come out of the bathroom. Thank God this French restaurant decided to line its bathrooms with reinforced titanium or the spell might have gotten to them too! Zordon never gives a limit as to how wide the reach on these pearls is, so let's just say the show is being incredibly convenient by not having them affected. All I really want in this scene is everybody in the restaurant frozen in stone, and then Zack, Tommy, and some extra come back from the bathroom. The extra sees everyone frozen in discount Carbonite and slowly backs out of frame.

Zordon alerts Tommy and Zack to the severity of the issue. The Oysterizer has blueballed both of them and if they don't act quick, Zack's going to lose his table at the French cafe. Zordon says Tommy's powers suck balls and will probably fail him in a fight against a giant clam, but Tommy's willing to take the risk and morphs alongside Zack to take on the Oysterizer.

As soon as the boys arrive, Tommy heads south to try and find where the Oysterizer might be located. The second Green Ranger gets out of earshot, Oysterizer emerges and punches Black Ranger in the chest. Zack tries to talk a big game against the monster before being attacked by one of its most powerful skills.

I think Rita's taking some liberties with the animal kingdom.

That's right, acid gel! That's what Zack calls it anyway. But I know frothy pink jizm when I see it. Zack rightfully complains that Zordon didn't say word one about this shit and it's burning through his suit like a raging fire. This monster's been fighting for less than a minute and he's already given Zack Gonorrhea. Just another big surprise for Angela tonight!

Just as the monster descends on Zack, Tommy jumps into the fray and slashes him away. Tommy asks Zack what's going on and Zack shoves him away so he doesn't get burnt by the acid gel. Tommy thanks Zack for his endless gratitude and transfers his Dragon Shield to the Black Ranger. Tommy assures him that the shield will give him energy and protect him from another oyster spewing.

It also looks kickin rad.

Oysterizer rises and angrily spews more jizz all over the unshielded Tommy. Zack tells Tommy to guard himself as the Black Ranger goes on the offensive and punches Oysterizer back into the ocean. Zack decides that should be enough to break the spell. Where the hell did he get that idea? Zordon said they had to defeat the Oysterizer, not give him a love tap and send him for a swim. If the Ecocide Pearl is his power source then shouldn't placing him closer to it underwater make for a stronger spell?

Well nevermind all that shit, because the spell has indeed been broken. Back at the restaurant, everyone who was under the spell of stillness is unfrozen and left perplexed by what just happened. Angela realizes her earrings are disintegrating and assumes that Zack decided to play a prank on her by giving her EVIL DISSOLVING MAGICAL MEDUSA EARRINGS. Someone must have given Angela a Jump to Conclusions Mat for her birthday.

Zack runs in to try and diffuse the situation but it's too late. Angela tells him to shove any other presents right up his cornhole and storms out. Zack shrugs off his decaying love life and tells the other Rangers they need to deal with the Oysterizer. Kim asks why Tommy isn't with Zack because her character is slowly becoming a one note object. Zack says he just left Tommy at the beach and the Green Ranger should be fine. Yeah he looked fine when you left him there.

I NEED MY GODDAMNED SHIELD BACK

Zack says they'll need to use the Megazord to fight the Oysterizer underwater which Billy says will be a new experience for their Dinozords. Zack tells him to spare the sciency bullshit for once because he's got a hard-on that could sink the Titanic and if he doesn't shut his mouth it's gonna capsize Billy's tonsils. The five Ranger Teens leave the restaurant before morphing and summoning the Megazord under the sea.

The Megazord waddles around underwater while it tries to find the Ecocide Pearl. Since the set dressers didn't feel like making a very big area of "undersea" for the Megazord to explore, the Rangers find the Ecocide Pearl almost instantly. They use the Megazord's Cranial Laser attack to blast the Pearl and blow it to smithereens. The Oysterizer moseys on up and realizes he shouldn't have been off taking a smoke break because the Power Rangers just blew up his precious baby.

Oysterizer becomes enraged that he's such a goofy dumbass and starts smacking the shit out of the Megazord. The Rangers soon run into trouble when they realize their Zords handle like dogshit in the water. Jason concludes he and his team are getting rammed by this ugly mug and tells Kimberly to contact Tommy.

For once there's actual logic to this decision though. It isn't just "We sure do suck and need the super cool Green Ranger to save us." Jason specifically notes that Megazord wasn't meant to work underwater but the Dragonzord is. Which makes total sense because the Dragonzord lives underwater. It's a logical explanation for why they need some Green Ranger power this week.

Tommy stumbles around the beach, still weak after being abandoned and coated in goo, and is told his team needs his help. For some reason he's still willing to help the guy who ditched him to go patch things up with Angela and summons the Dragonzord to bail out his teammates.

Dear Scientists: Please explain how that just happened. Thanks in advance.

The Oysterizer is brought to the surface by the Dragonzord's mighty strike and lands on the beach shore. Dragonzord emerges to finish the fight with the monster who goes back on the offensive. Unfortunately the Dragonzord is left at a disadvantage without the element of surprise on his side. The Oysterizer materializes a ball and chain weapon to tie up the Dragonzord. Unable to fight back, Dragonzord is soon splattered with Oyster goo and left looking like Bree Olson about to get a sweet paycheck.

The Oysterizer moves in for the kill when suddenly the Megazord cuts the wire binding the Dragonzord with the Power Sword. The Rangers then see their comrade has been slimed and use the Megazord's rarely utilized healing properties to zap the Dragonzord and remove the acid gel from it. The Oysterizer charges to attack but is knocked back by the Dragonzord missiles. As the monster reels, the Megazord finishes him off with the Power Sword. Now he doesn't need pearls to remain still. He can stay that way forever.

Back at the Youth Center, Zack tells Trini he learned something today. Never try to impress a girl with money. Unless you actually have a good deal of money and aren't reduced to buying shitty fake jewelry from a haunted homeless man in the park. Trini gives Zack some flowers and pats him on the back to try one last time to get in Angela's pants. Zack then thanks this kind stranger for her advice and hopes they'll meet again someday.

Bulk and Skull arrive to back Zack up and apologize for being late. They had to wash the dishes at the cafe because the French only enjoy physical comedy from Jerry Lewis. Zack tells the two not to sing this time, or ever again, and takes the duo over to Angela.

Bulk and Skull play their instruments while Zack starts singing a song about how he's been such a fool by trying to be cool. It comes so completely out of nowhere that it's really laughable. Walter Jones doesn't have a bad singing voice by any means, but the whole scene is so goddamned hokey. It just represents the entropy of Power Rangers. Enough solid shit to sort of offset all the incredibly stupid shit.

Zack apologizes after his ridiculous impromptu song and Angela apologizes as well. Why? Because she claims she's been so materialistic about things. What the fuck are you talking about show? Angela was offered a gift someone wanted to give her and enjoyed it. When was she being materialistic? She got invited out for her birthday and accepted it. What in the blue fuck hell does she have to be sorry about? Oh well whatever she's in the wrong too so now Angela and Zack can be in love. Yay!

Bulk and Skull watch and prepare to practice on each other.

Tragically as soon as Angela left the Youth Center she was killed in a car crash and then some wicked space aliens came by and blasted Zack with a memory erasing ray causing him to forget she ever existed. Oh well!

Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Angela

Personal Thoughts

Honestly? This episode isn't horrible. It's just difficult to be crazy about it when you realize this was the last episode of Power Rangers that audiences would be seeing for quite a while. This is the season finale? It seems like such a weird choice. Granted this show is really episodic, but nothing about this episode feels very exciting. There's no super powerful monster, no Ultrazord, and a really ill defined attempt at a ticking clock. I really don't know what would have worked better, but I'd say Mighty Morphin' Mutants would have been a solid finale.

Another reason to feel iffy about this episode is foresight. There's a good explanation for it, but this will be Angela's last appearance in the show. It just makes me feel even less okay with this as a conclusion for Season 1. It finishes out a plotline that was ongoing throughout Season 1 and that's great. Unfortunately it also concludes that same plot when the indication was that there would be more to come.

I was amused to see that the actor who played the bum who sells Zack his dissolving jewelry was played by the same guy who played Monty, the host of Trick Or Treat. Usually Power Rangers doesn't resort to reusing actors they put in front of the camera, so someone at Saban must have been in awe of this guy's talent. He has such range he can play either a vampire or a drifter. He must feel honored.

Now we get to finally talk some nitty gritty about Zyu2. Why specifically for Oysterizer? Because his complete set of footage has been released by MMPR stunt coordinator Jeff Pruitt a.k.a. a total saint on Earth. This is the first of 9 Zyu2 monsters who have had their footage revealed via Jeff's Youtube channel. Currently I have my fingers crossed that we'll get a chance to see some more of the monsters posted to answer all my burning nerd questions.

I'll link the video that contains Oysterizer's raw footage here, but proceed with caution! It contains some footage that will be used next season as well and if this is somehow the first time you're finding out about this shit then it's going to spoil you. I just couldn't bear spoiling this 20 year old show for you guys.

Now we get to have a little bit of fun because we can observe what was missing from the episode that the raw footage included. First and foremost is the first shot we see of the Oysterizer that wasn't included in the episode. For pretty obvious reasons.

Just in case you creeps were aroused, this oyster is only 16 years old.

I mentioned a few weeks back in Football Season that Rhinoblaster was referred to as Rhino #17. While this didn't make a goddamn lick of sense when the script was posted, it became clear with the release of the Zyu2 footage. Each of the monster costumes was shown with a piece of paper it was either holding, or had taped on its body. The highest number we've seen on a Zyu2 monster is 24, and since there are 25 Zyu2 monsters it would stand to reason this number system is counting all 25 of them in some order.

So what do these numbers mean? Is it the order they should be used? The order their costume was produced? Some sort of tragic event where each Zyu2 monster had been kidnapped and had to give proof that it knew what numbers were? Well the answer is quite obvious. I have no fucking clue. We'll probably never know for sure but it's really interesting to speculate what these numbers were meant to denote. It's like The Da Vinci Code except dumb and boring. So I guess exactly like The Da Vinci Code.

Enough number speculation, let's get into what footage we didn't get to see! Honestly there isn't a whole lot of stuff that was left on the cutting room floor for the Oysterizer. There are only two major cuts worth pointing out. The first of which is at the very beginning of this section of footage.

Apologies to those who worship at the Church of the Shitty Fake Pearl

This helps explain what all those shots of him bowing to Rita in her crystal ball were all about. Originally I guess he was supposed to be worshiping the Ecocide Pearl as some kind of God. It's sort of intriguing and it makes his anger at the Rangers destroying it make even more sense. Otherwise it's not really anything to lose sleep over. Just some footage that didn't really fit the show.

The second interesting bit of footage that was lost involved Zack on the beach waiting for the Oysterizer. Originally it turns out that the Black Ranger was originally doing a little more than that.

That timecode is making this look much less impressive.

No this isn't some magical ability that only Zyuranger had going for it. This is some concept Zyu2 was invoking to live up to the more "technical" aspects of Power Rangers mythos. Unfortunately Saban didn't give a shit about it and hacked it right out of the episode. Sorry you did all that work for nothing idiot. Your stupid mammoth vision sucked and nobody cares.

Also interesting is that originally Tommy wasn't present with Zack at the scene of the Oysterizer fight. His arrival to save Zack was the standard Green Ranger saving the day shtick in Zyu2, but the American version made it seem like the two arrived together. Personally I don't mind them changing things up a bit like that. It gives a little variety to Tommy and makes him look less like a lazy dick who doesn't feel like showing up to fight a giant clam monster.

The last bit of Zyu2 blathering I'll do today was how cool it was that the Black Ranger got to wear the Dragon Shield. The Red Ranger only did that twice in the original Zyuranger, and it was never indicated any of the other Rangers were able to do so. So for all intents and purposes, Zyu2 invented a new power-up mode for one of the Rangers. Maybe it's just me, but I find that really fucking cool.

So watch the raw footage and compare it to the aired episode. It's got a few other cuts here and there but nothing too significant. Let me know what you guys think!