MMPR Season 3 Episode 29: Master Vile and the Metallic Armor Part 1

Devious Villain Gains Control of Empty Shithole
Unstoppable Machine Bursts into Tears

I doubt it would surprise anyone when I say I'm finding Season 3 to be particularly hit or miss. Which is much more complimentary than it sounds. Whenever something is really good in Season 3, I feel myself being able to relax and write about it with little trouble. But when things in Season 3 are bad…they're simply boring.

Season 2 of Power Rangers left me with no short supply of horrendously stupid things to poke fun at on a weekly basis. Those episodes had actors quitting, reprehensibly-edited fight scenes, and had to somehow manage filming a movie in Australia while still hammering out episodes stateside. It was a glorious trainwreck to behold. Season 3's stupidest material is when Rocky uses dyslexia to fight centipede quarterbacks. The concept itself is endlessly amusing, but in execution it's done completely straightfaced.

I don't know what kind of sick piece of shit I've become, but the fact that I'm longing for the days of Season 2 while I watch objectively-superior content is nothing short of psychopathy. I can't imagine what kind of disgusting monkey's paw wish I made to come to such a fucked-up state of mind, but here we are. I spent so much time in Season 2 waiting for the much more competently-made Season 3, but now I'm left missing the stench that preceded our current episodes.

But there's something that Season 3 can do to make me much more satisfied than Season 2 ever pulled off. It can present me with episodes that I enjoy. What a novel concept, right?

All this preface to say, I really remember liking big chunks of this upcoming trilogy.

Which is hard to believe, considering the first thing we see in this episode are the Ranger Teens, Bulk, Skull, and Lt. Stone riding on horseback. A scene that reads like a coked-up fever dream I had before writing this blog. Aisha thanks the good Lieutenant for letting her and the rest of her friends ride on their police-commissioned horses for Nature Appreciation Week. Translation: Saban found some guy on the side of the road who was selling a dozen horses for 20 bucks. Probably got a great discount when he took Kimberly to the glue factory.

Now for the tragic scene where Bulk's horse experiences "inexplicably broken legs," and has to be shot between the eyes.

Moments later, Earth is hit with an inexplicable rumbling that spooks all of the horses. The Ranger Teens suspect that something fishy is going on, so they dismount and teleport away while the junior police patrol aren't around. Once they arrive in the Command Center, our heroes find all of the lights and computers shut off.

"RANGERS, I HAVEN'T BEEN ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL WITH YOU. THINGS HAVE BEEN FINANCIALLY COMPLICATED, AND OUR LAST MOON CHECK BOUNCED."

Alpha 5 stands in the center of the room, having been completely powered down, and Zordon is no longer floating inside of his torture tube. Sorry, guys. We could either afford Zordon's power bill, or we could buy you those horses to ride on in the intro. We stand by our choice.

This baffling developments continue on the moon. Zedd's compound is struck by lightning and fog, as a silhouetted creature appears before him. The galactic overlord demands to know what peckerhead is trying to get in on his turf without an invitation. Rita stops stone cold in her tracks as she realizes the identity of this devious intruder. She solemnly introduces Lord Zedd to Master Vile: her father.

I wish I was evil enough to have two snakes wrapped around my throat. 

Inside the Command Center, a chilling wave of darkness washes over the Power Rangers. Their mentor and his android assistant are out of commission and there's no way to comprehend what's happening. There's a wicked new villain who's arrived on the Moon's surface, and the Earth's only line of defense has been stripped of all access to counter it. Without Zordon and Alpha 5, our planet is doomed.

Thankfully, the lights turn back on 3 seconds later.

Goddamn. This show has such an obscene amount of fake-out cliffhangers before commercial breaks. "Zordon and Alpha 5 are dead and gone! Just joshin', they were asleep." Who wrote this garbage? R.L. Stine?

In case you couldn't put two and two together, Zordon was taken offline by Master Vile's sudden appearance in the galaxy. Zordon informs his surrogate children about Rita's devious father, and illustrates his point by broadcasting some Kakuranger footage through the Viewing Globe. Rocky is astonished to learn that Rita has a father, especially since both of his parents refuse to admit ownership of him. Adam follows up with a question about why Master Vile's eyes light up in Japanese footage, but look dull and lifeless when he shows up in American scenes. Capitalism?

Okay, I get the feeling you folks don't realize the gravity of this Master Vile guy. Well let's drop some serious lore on you knuckle knobs. Master Vile is so goddamned powerful, he was able to conquer the M51 Galaxy single-handed! That's right, all of M51 is now in his clutches. Holy fucking dogshit, did you hear that?! Master Vile was able to gain control of the Whirlpool Galaxy. Those stars and dust rings were no match for his strength. So if you were ever curious what Rita's father does in his spare time, he mostly jacks off into a black hole on the weekends while his two snake puppets dance around his neck.

Out of fear for this particular opponent, Zordon and Alpha 5 have been creating a new line of defense for the Rangers. Why defense? Because a bunch of fat parents would have vomited out their entrails if any form of offense was portrayed on their ugly children's favorite television program.

Zordon's new Metallic Armor will act as an integrated shield for the Rangers suits, and act as an improved guard against Zedd and Rita's forces. Zordon warns them that the Metallic Armor can only be used in genuine emergency situations, which there are bound to be several of since that Alien Rangers shit is coming up pretty damn quick.

Kudos to "Master Vile and the Metallic Armor," for introducing both of its titular concepts within the first five minutes of part 1. Now here's hoping the next two episodes don't spin their wheels until the heat death of the universe.

Back on Earth, Lt. Stone discusses what just happened with Bulk and Skull. He comes to the conclusion that the sudden surge of darkness almost guarantees there's about to be a monster attack on Earth. Stone tells the boys they should ride their horses into town to look for help, which makes perfect sense. I'm sure Bulk and Skull will be able to find a perfectly nice firefighter to aid them in fighting Rita's obese, robe-clad, snake-covered father.

Rita discusses her marriage with her long lost father, who chastises her for settling down with a loser like Lord Zedd. Vile asks why his beautiful baby daughter had to settle down with one of those people, someone who doesn't even have a skull. Zedd refutes his father in law's points by listing off all of his accomplishments this season. He's captured Ninjor and the Falconzord. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Vile!

Rito proves this to his daddy dearest by showing off the jar that houses Ninjor. Rito then stumbles, drops the jar, shattering it and freeing Ninjor from Zedd's captivity.

I don't think I've ever seen a stupider resolution of a plot point in all of fiction.

Master Vile chews out his incompetent offspring and demands that he reclaim that miniaturized ninja man this instant. Vile plans to use Ninjor's powers to help him in his master plan to reclaim the mighty Zeo Crystal. Zeo Crystal? Psh. Bunch of unoriginal hacks. They're just rehashing ideas from the far superior Power Rangers movie.

Ninjor grows to regular size again as he proclaims that Vile will never obtain a power as grandiose as the Zeo Crystal. Ninjor escapes the Moon Palace's clutches, but not before a valiant attempt to stop him from Squatt and Baboo.

Maybe it's time for you two to hang it up.

Soon after, Ninjor appears inside of the Command Center and informs the Rangers that Master Vile is plotting something terrible. Awfully nice of Ninjor to not take it personally that his dearest friends made zero attempt to rescue him from the clutches of evil. The Rangers don't even act concerned. They see Ninjor in their base, act sort of surprised, and then go about their business. Sorry we let Squatt and Baboo use your jar as a urinal for the last two months, old buddy, but we were really busy fighting trash can lizards!

Ninjor, having accepted the reality that he's a glorified toy, takes this in stride and explains to our heroes what the deal is with this Zeo Crystal. It was a substantially powerful source of energy that was hidden from Master Vile by the people of M51 several years ago. It was guarded by a forcefield that could not be accessed by anyone who was not pure of heart, or at least not someone who's made of snakes.

Tommy becomes upset that he hasn't had a line in the past two minutes, so he asks where this magical Kre-O Crystal is held. Coincidentally, the people of M-51 placed it on the Moon itself. So people who lived in place that Master Vile conquered trekked all the way out to Earth's neck of the woods so that they could plop some fancy jewel down there? And it just so happens to be the place where Lord Zedd set up shop? I know Rita was on the Moon before the series ever began, but it always seemed more to me like that wasn't her usual stomping grounds. It's a location that her dumpster was stashed at while it drifted through space. Now the series is backtracking and mentioning how the Moon has actually been the source of some ancient mystical power? That's either some serious retconning, or this show is putting its dick on the table and expecting you to blink.

Zordon spouts out some more garbage regarding the Zeo Crystal, particularly how they figured Lord Zedd was too much of an incompetent nerd to ever get his hands on it. Now that Master Vile has arrived, things are much more dangerous.

This is something I expect to find a consistent annoyance in Power Rangers. Every single time a new villain shows up, they have to make the previous enemy look like a complete joke in comparison. You might be familiar with this concept if you've ever read a comic or watched a Shonen anime.

You think Rita Repulsa is evil? Yeah right! Take a look at this new guy, Lord Zedd. Lord Zedd? That lightweight loser? Why not check out the great Master Vile instead? It just lessens the threat when you know someone more evil is going to come along in another 40 episodes so the Rangers can get new toys to throw at them. This children's show is offering a very surface level attempt at storytelling, and it's getting me real hot under the collar!

When Master Vile explains his Zeo ambitions, Zedd scoffs at how ridiculous the endeavor sounds. Rita agrees, and jokes that Zedd tried obtaining the Zeo Crystal before too, and look what happened to his face.

I mean…I think that's a joke. Is it? Is that some genuine, bonafide, true-blue lore we're getting? Maybe the reason that Zedd looks like a leather daddy member of GWAR with a grill shoved up his ass is because he got too close to that crystal. Zedd comments, "Very funny, Rita." which would make me assume that it's just a gag, but who's to say? Do you know? Maybe I'll tweet the guy who wrote this episode, and then he can remind me that he's told me multiple times never to contact him again.

Master Vile hushes the other villains as he promises to finish what they were unable to. Big Daddy V produces a large sack, much like he did when he met Mrs. Rita, only this time it's filled with something to feed the Tengas. Vile says it should put a bit of pep in their step once they chow down. After offering up some birdseed, Vile escorts Goldar and Rito off the palace so they can journey with him. Rito I can understand, but why Goldar? Did Master Vile learn about Goldar's sexual humiliation fetish and want to see what that booty do in Zero G?

Goldar and Rito accompany Master Vile onto his personal ship, the Space Skull. Once aboard, Master Vile walks off-camera, where Goldar and Rito say they'll "Watch from over here." Which is about as close as we can get to a character saying, "You go do something in Japanese footage, while we pretend we're in the same room together."

So what does Master Vile do when he walks over to Japan? Why, he vomits up an egg of course!

Nice King Piccolo impression.

But this is no ordinary egg barfing. Master Vile promises he's about to create a monster that puts all of Lord Zedd's creations to shame. A big fucking platypus with a tortoise shell made out of a dumpster, and wings made out of baguettes. Or whatever.

Goldar, who's witnessed this disgusting display of monster birth firsthand, responds by vomiting profusely. He chokes out another pint of bile before begging Rito to explain what the fuck his father just did. Rito offers no consolation. He's long since become immune to his father's disgusting habits. He'll just keep playing dumb and grinning. Then maybe, someday, if he stays strong and follows orders, mom will come back and he can have the whole family back together again. Be strong Rito. Just like you told her you would.

Anyway, Master Vile's egg hatches and dumps out a huge puddle of blue sludge. The slime slowly begins to take shape and form into Vile's hideous creation. Blue Globbor.

A creature made of ooze who hatches from an egg? What a remarkable concept!

As Vile dotes on his brand new baby boy, Rito and Goldar ponder what this pile of barf is meant to accomplish. Vile offers completely necessary exposition about how he plots to use his creature to recapture Ninjor and sap away his energy. Once Ninjor is under his control, he can use Globbor to capture the Ranger Teens and have them nab the Zeo Crystal for him. If that fails, then he can send his new son-in-law to try grabbing it again. It's not like his face could get any more fucked up.

The newly-fed Tengas are sent to Earth where they promptly attack Bulk and Skull. The Ranger Teens decide they should probably save their good friends: those two horses Bulk and Skull are riding on. Tommy states they shouldn't leave anything to chance, and the teenagers with attitude morph to the scene of the crime. They don't Ninja Morph, they go all-out Power Ranger. Look, I'm sure we're all very concerned about whatever Master Vile has planned, but we're talking about the Tengas for Christ' sake. The bird monsters with a vestigial toe. What the hell are they going to do?

Well I'll tell you what they're going to do. They're going to clobber the everloving shit out of the Power Rangers! Tommy gets dropkicked, Aisha gets flipped onto her ass, Katherine gets her feet swept out from underneath her. It's an all-around slobberknocker. The Rangers ponder what the hell's got the Tengas so riled up this week. None of these so-called brilliant teenagers managed to come up with the completely reasonable conclusion that a man made of pure evil who wears bifocals and a bathrobe all day fed these birds with a nondescript bag of bird chow? What a bunch of dipshits.

Tommy panics and pleads for Ninjor to come help. There's a laugh. You guys spent half the season ignoring Ninjor when he was in trouble, and now you want him to bail you out of trouble? Go piss up a rope, you cretins.

Ninjor, being the kindly blue genie that he is, appears to assist his so-called friends. Unfortunately, before he can strike against the Tengas, Ninjor is stopped by the slimy grasp of Globbor's big, meaty claws.

Stop touching Ninjor's purple circles!

Ninjor escapes the gooey fiend's clutches by growing to giant size. This leaves an amusing little baby-sized Globbor hanging off of his back. Luckily for the gooball, he's struck by some of Rita and Zedd's growth lightning allowing him to continue his assault on the blue ninja. Globbor unleashes his powers by placing his gooey tendrils onto Ninjor, while sapping his energy with electrical energy. Instead of trying to help their captive friend, again, the Rangers continue their completely meaningless fight with the Tengas instead.

Ninjor deserves better than you pigs.

Globbor takes Ninjor hostage once again, and disappears in a flash of blue energy. The Rangers observe this as they're continually manhandled by the Tengas. Katherine notes that this situation might just be the sort of emergency that Zordon was talking about earlier, which Tommy agrees with. The six Rangers leap into the air where they activate their mighty new Metallic Armor. Which looks fucking ridiculous.

Why'd Zordon drop a gallon of glitter on their suits?

Big shock, these Metallic Rangers completely wipe the floor with the supercharged Tengas. The new suits include such amazing powers as: Someone in editing adding a blurring effect to the Rangers' actions to make it appear as though they're moving faster.

How exciting. I can't wait for another four episodes of this garbage.

After a blissfully brief fight with the Tengas, our heroes return to the Command Center to inform Zordon how cool their new powers are. Oh yeah, and that big loser Ninjor got captured by the forces of evil again. What a maroon! If only a bunch of cowardly losers didn't beg for his help at the first sign of trouble, and then illustrated the bystander effect while a blue ball of snot groped him.

Nah, I'm just kidding. They don't mention Ninjor at all! Tommy briefly mentions that they need to regain the Falconzord, but for some reason he neglects the being who gave them their powers back. Sorry, buddy! You're nothing but a living toy. Can't wait till we toss all of your shit into the bargain bin when we glue shapes to our faces.

Zordon says that the situation has become so dire, that the Rangers must journey to the Moon in order to claim the Zeo Crystal before Master Vile can get his mitts on it. Tommy (naturally) says that he'll take on this dangerous mission alone. Katherine says that she'll have to come with him, but he declines. Kat gives Tommy's ego a swift kick in the dick when she reminds him that Rita and Zedd need to be preoccupied if he wants a chance to get access to the Zeo Crystal. She plans to tell her former masters that she wants to return to their side in an attempt to keep them busy. Or at the very least, add a couple minutes to Part 2's runtime.

Tommy and Katherine morph and teleport to the Moon, where they promptly go into hiding to plot out their next moves. But the Ranger Teens on Earth are left with a great question. How are they going to operate the Shogun Megazord and the Ninja Megazord at the same time? Know why that's such a great question? Because nobody fucking asked it.

Aisha brings it up arbitrarily, almost as if the writers knew there was going to be a fight with both Megazords present in Sentai footage, and they didn't have enough time to write in a discussion about using both Megazords. Wouldn't that be something exciting to build up to? Two Megazords fighting side by side? Something that Power Rangers fans had never seen before? Hypothetically that would be pretty cool, but instead why don’t we spend more time with Bulk and Skull riding horses.

Not to mention, the Ninja Megazord seems like it had been rendered inoperable while Ninjor was in Zedd's jar. I thought that was sort of the reason they had exclusively been using the Shogunzords since then. Maybe the Shogunzords are supposed to be stronger than the Ninjazords, but nobody has even mentioned them as a potential option in the last dozen episodes. It doesn't seem like there was ever a concrete reason as to why they were shitcanned for so long. All I want is some sort of explanation as to why one of my favorite Zord sets was getting shafted for the past however many weeks.

Oddly enough, the Rangers don't really seem to be concerned about this upcoming fight. They treat this dual Megazord control thing like it's a neat thing Billy has been working on. I want a scene of the Ranger Teens expressing genuine fear that they'll need two Megazords to combat whatever Master Vile is going to throw at them. Instead, Billy created a Falconzord-shaped remote control (???) to access the power of the Ninja Megazord.

Yeah, whatever. Makes perfect sense. Who cares?

Meanwhile, the only true hero left in this shitball show has been chained up and captured inside Master Vile's palace. Ninjor ponders what's happening as Vile and Globbor walk into the chamber to taunt him. Vile asserts that Ninjor's struggles are pointless, as his powers have already been drained by the Globbor. Master Vile uses his staff to project a screen of energy that shows the footage of giant Globbor zapping Ninjor. A scene we saw no less than 3 minutes ago.

But clearly I'm not the only one who realizes this. As Ninjor watches the footage of his kidnapping, he responds with a particularly annoyed and ashamed, "I remember…"

Man, I love Ninjor. Maybe I should have bought his key after all.

Ninjor responds to Master Vile's posturing with a fairly standard, "You won't get away with this!" Master Vile offers a bewildered response as he asks, "Why does everyone keep saying that to me? I am getting away with it." I could seriously use a show of nothing but Ninjor and Master Vile acting like total dicks to each other. Forget all this teenage garbage, I want genies and snake-daddies talking smack.

The Teens are alerted to a catastrophe in the city as the giant Globbor runs amuck. Billy leads his fellow Rangers in morphing to combat the blue meanie and defend Angel Grove. The four Rangers combine to create the Shogun Megazord, which doesn't make an awful lot of sense considering neither Tommy or Katherine is there to pilot the White Shogunzord. Maybe we could have spent a couple seconds of that R.C. Falconzord discussion to explain this plot hole.

After the Shogun Megazord has been assembled, Billy activates the Falconzord remote to summon the Ninja Megazord. We don't get a cool shot of both Megazords standing side by side or anything like that, but maybe they're saving the cool stuff for the next episode.

That's what's kept me writing the last 140 episodes, and I'll be damned if I let it stop here.

Adam notes that he's located Globbor amidst a bunch of abandoned buildings. Oh boy, you know what that awkward clarification means right? We're about to see a whole shitload of prop buildings get roasted.

Suddenly, the Shogun Megazord reels in pain as it's hit by a stream of off-camera energy beams. The Globbor is, allegedly, sapping the Shogun Megazord of all its strength. A notion that causes the Shogun Megazord to become deeply upset.

Someone just got told he wasn't going to be in Season 4!

While the Rangers Zords are de-energized, Katherine begins her espionage mission to distract Zedd and Rita. She offers her felonious skills to help her former owners defeat the Rangers before Master Vile is able to. She humbly requests to be made evil once more, and the episode ends on a zoom-in on Katherine's devious smirk.

Which might work a little better if we knew she wasn't completely full of shit.

TO BE CONTINUED

Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Vomiting Out Your Offspring

Personal Thoughts

I might have been awfully petty in the write-up, but I do enjoy this episode for the most part. The only issue I encountered was how quickly everything was forced to move. Ninjor's release seemed really ham-fisted, and felt like an excuse to use the Sentai footage of Globbor capturing him.

Not to mention that Falconzord remote which is introduced about 90 seconds before it's put into action. I still don't really know why the Ninjazords were unable to be used, and if the Falconzord remote was a method of bypassing the actual Falconzord's presence. I swear I'm not trying to be obtuse, I genuinely don't follow this logic. It's just one of those little things that's bugged me since I was a kid.

Master Vile was originally the main villain in Kakuranger, who arrived in the series at the halfway point. I'm glad that they managed to fit him into Power Rangers, because his design is fantastic. He looks like such a burly old wizard, and he somehow fits perfectly as Rita Repulsa's dad. He also makes perfect sense as Rito's father, which makes sense considering that he was in Kakuranger.

I also really love the Globbor monster. His ooze birth feels so otherworldly and bizarre, and it makes him the perfect monster to debut with Master Vile. Obviously there's a lot more to Globbor than we saw in this episode, but we'll get into his cool tricks next week!