Monday, August 28, 2017

My Name is Samuraikarasu, and I am an Addict

This isn't an easy post to make, but I think it will help clarify a few things that are going on in my life.

I spent the last week in a particularly difficult place. It isn't somewhere I'd wish on any of my good readers, but it's something I have to live with. There are healthy ways to get through difficult situations in your life; be they hang out with friends, exercise, or get out of your own head by diving headfirst into work. These are things that leave you feeling fulfilled and ready to tackle your next challenge in life.

I chose something darker.

I'm not proud of myself for handling my issues the way I did, but I started to fall down a really dark path to avoid those negative feelings. Even when I found myself wanting to write about Power Rangers, I couldn't stop myself from my bad habit. No matter how many times I told myself to stop, I couldn't. I kept hoping someone would catch me while I was doing it, no matter how embarrassing it would be, but it never happened. I was too good at hiding my sins.

I'm not proud of myself for what I've been spending my time on instead of entertaining people, but I needed something to help alleviate the stress of daily life. No matter what I tried to do, nothing took the edge off. But then I found it. The one vice that scratched my itch. Something that made me feel right.

But the more I did it, the worse I got. Only doing it once? Ridiculous. Once its got its hooks in you, there's no going back. I've continued to flush so much money down the drain on this fucking demon, and you know what the sad part is?

I'm not going to stop.

You good people might think I'm saying this as a cry for help or some sort of plea, but it's far worse than that. Deep down inside me, I feel proud of what I'm doing. Every new hit I get makes this poison grow inside of me. When I see some in front of me, I'm already bored and waiting for the next shipment. It's shameful.

But I won't lie to you anymore. No matter how pathetic it seems, I have to admit what I've done. So someone can hold me accountable for my actions. I know I'll be judged, and I don't care. I'm too far gone to come back and be whole ever again.

Because I can not stop fucking buying these goddamned plastic keys.

For the uninitiated, these are Ranger Keys. The collectible gimmick of 2011's Super Sentai program, Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger. There's a key released for each of the 199 heroes that existed at the time, and these little plastic vacuums have managed to suck all the money out of my wallet on a consistent basis.

Why the fuck am I still spending money on these goddamned things? They're not even that cool! I don't even have the morpher that causes them to make noises for Christ' sake. I'm spending so much time on Ebay waiting and watching to see if I can strike a great deal on a particular key, or set of keys.

You see that set of Kakurangers up there? That cost me 60 goddamn dollars. And you know something? That was the Louisiana Purchase of plastic garbage collecting. It's a royal goddamn pain in the ass to get just one of these stupid keys on its own, but getting them in a set for under 100 bucks? WITH SHIPPING?! Get the fuck out of town.

But I wasn't done with that. Oh good lord no. I had to make it even worse. I just had to take it to the next level of nerd bullshit. You see that Ninja Red outside of the plastic? Well that's a Deluxe Edition I just HAD to have. Because that one looks better and doesn't just have some shitty stickers I have to somehow manage to perfectly lay onto that goddamn thing.

Oh, those stickers. Those cock-chewing, vagina-devouring, sperm-inhaling stickers. I would rather watch my only child be sent headfirst into a atomic blast than ever have to put one of those goddamned things on again. So I spent 60 dollars on five worthless pieces of junk from Japan, but uh oh! Looks like you put the sticker on askew, and now you wasted your money on a shitty looking set. Have fun keeping that on your shelf and having Ninja Black's peeling chestpiece mocking you every time you try to sleep. You fucking fool.

So there they sit, inside a plastic wrapper, because I'm too much of a coward to even attempt putting those goddamn things in their proper suits.

So what's my endgame? Collect all of them? Holy fuck, absolutely not. You think I'm going to blow 90 fucking dollars just so I can have something that kinda looks like Ninjor looking back at me?

I don't give a shit if that thing woke me up with a gummy blowjob every morning, I'm not dropping a C-Note on one single solitary plastic key. 

But then there's that urge. He's the only missing piece to my Kakuranger set, so why not save up? Because I have to draw the fucking line somewhere, and wasting so much money on one dumbass little trinket is just asinine. 

So that's why I've decided to spend equally as much money on a bunch of them.

My sick and twisted desire is to own one Ranger Key from each of the first 35 Super Sentai teams. I'm not counting those fucking cash grab Kyoryuger keys that came out later, with each of them running about 70 bucks a pop. I just want one key from each series up until Gokaiger. It's relatively easy to get a Red Ranger from each series, since there were a handful of packs that contained representatives from about 12 series, but I'm a fucking freak. I don't just want a bunch of red keys. I want to diversify.

So now here I am, sitting and waiting to snipe someone's bid on Ebay, so I can buy a Battle Fever J Key with a crinkly sticker. That's what my life has devolved into. 

I could have taken the easy way out, but no. I'm trying to get multi-colored keys to fill some indescribable void in my big dumb life. What in the fuck? 

But now you poor bastards are stuck with me in my useless goal. You have to know about my horrendously poor spending habits as I waste the precious few dollars I can earn on un-resellable junk. So now I've made a list of the teams I have keys for and which unfortunate soul has to represent them on my shelf. I'll bold the groups I own, and italicize the ones I dont.

Goranger: Aka Ranger

JAKQ: Spade Ace

Battle Fever J: Battle Cossack (in shipping)

Denjiman: Denji Blue (in shipping)

Goggle Five





Maskman: Red Mask





Zyuranger: Tricera Ranger


Ohranger: King Ranger (in shipping)



Gingaman: Ginga Red, Black Knight (in shipping)

Go Go Five

Timeranger: Time Fire



Magiranger: Magi Shine

Boukenger: Bouken Blue



Goseiger: Gosei Red

Gokaiger: Gokai Silver

If any of you good folks have any of these pieces of junk and feel like selling them to your old pal, let me know! But in the meantime, sorry I didn't write about Master Armor or the Metallic Vile or whatever. I was far too busy snooping around Ebay auctions of toy keys like a grown-up. I'll be back next week, unless I fall into a depressing spiral of purchasing needless goods yet again. Toodle-oo.


  1. Are Ranger Keys good for opening Ranger Doors? That would be my first question to ask before buying one.

    1. I've tried opening doors with each of these keys, but it makes a Japanese man scream out GIIIIIIIIIINGAMAN whenever I do. It's quite perplexing.

  2. Never thought we'd have a post about these.

    Aren't there even more keys post-Gokaiger? I swear I've seen more from later seasons. Because I've remarked amazement a few times that the gimmick seems to have well outlived the show. Although part of that is the show never truly quite dying because Gokaiger seems to have become Sentai's unofficial crossover mascot. Their appearances seem to be obligated to consummate the meeting of two different seasons.

    I have, a couple of times, considered going down this hole with Kamen Rider's gashats this year. Do you realize how badly I want a yellow hunk of plastic that resembles a cartridge for a completely fictional game device? IT SINGS SONGS ABOUT HAMBURGERS NO I'M NOT CRAZY

    1. Yeah they've actually released key sets for Metal Heroes, Go-Busters, Kyoryuger, and even Toqger and Ninninger. Thankfully I don't give much of a fuck about those latter teams, so keys really don't mean shit to me. I got a Blue Buster Key as an add-on for ordering with someone, and he's just kind of chilling in the back where he belongs.

      I do have a big soft spot for the Gokaigers. What a fun team to watch. If anybody belongs in the Sentai pantheon to welcome new franchises, I'm glad it's them.

      No joke I looked on Ebay to see how much a Juju Burger Gashat would run, and there it fucking was. Some asshole charging nearly 100 dollars for a goddamned piece of yellow plastic that blathers about burgers. Holy shit.

      Oh but it looks like there are some Ex-Aid belts WITH the burger gashat for only 20 dollars. All from Hong Kong. I bet those are legit!

    2. Hmm. I saw some legit import toy store that has a site online had Juju Burger for around $15ish. However, it's not the DX version with the lights, but the capsule toy version that has a few less sounds and no lights. And I'm not buying a Driver, so I don't need the game over music and so on.


  3. There are now Ranger keys for non Ranger series too including these Metal Heroes keys

    1. Man that Metalder looks cool, but who the fuck else is in that set? Juspion? Blue SWAT? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

  4. I have go on silver and gold if your interested!!!!

    1. I actually might, shoot me an e-mail with an offer and I'll think on it. samuraikarasu@gmail

  5. I can't say much. I shelled out for the Soul of Chogokin Megazord. I already *have* the Super Robot Chogokin Megazord. And my Figuarts collection...

    1. It actually looks super badass, so I can't begrudge you. I've also got two Figuarts as well! Kamen Rider Double and Armored Black Ranger. Still in the box, because of fucking course they are.