Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 52: Two Heads Are Better Than One



Massive Bird Engages Itself in Discourse Over Fruit
Courageous Heroes Murder Surrendering Foe










A devoted fan like myself knows that the Power Rangers keep Angel Grove safe from ridiculous looking monsters, but something's been bothering me lately. How do the middle aged women of Angel Grove fend off muggers? Today, this burning question will finally be put to rest.

Jason and Tommy are teaching a women's self defense course in the Youth Center. Here they teach a bunch of mothers how to yell really loud if someone tries to get in their business. So that's all women can do to protect themselves thanks to the new sweeping legislation banning all guns huh? Thanks Obummer.

After demonstrating 20 seconds of safety measures, some weirdo mom starts moistening her thighs and thanks Jason and Tommy for taking the time to teach a bunch of nobody soccer moms how to not get beaten to death by a member of the Cobra Kai. The rest of the female extras nod their heads, because Saban wasn't going to pay them for saying lines, as the camera pans across a handful of homely looking women in tracksuits. If this is a sample of the gene pool in Angel Grove, then the Ranger Teens should thank their lucky stars they came out as handsome as they did.

Jason and Tommy continue their lesson by teaching the class about sticking in pairs and using the buddy system. Kim and Trini come in to illustrate their point and stand in as victims for Tommy and Jason. As Trini shows the audience how to fend off Jason, Tommy points out that the mistake Trini is making is that she isn't yelling or making any noise. It's like the show is actively mocking me by refusing to let Trini say a goddamned thing.

Tommy points out that Trini and Kimberly were able to combine their efforts to fend off their attackers. So please keep in mind everyone, !!!TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE!!! You hear that ladies? Don't leave the house unless one of your friends is with you. Also if you come across a man asking for help loading his couch into a van, keep on walking. Honestly for all this advice Tommy and Jason are giving they sure are missing the most critical weapon in all of women's self defense.

I DON'T KNOW YOU!

Unfortunately for our heroes, another decrepit old woman is taking their advice. Rita comes to the conclusion that the reason all of Finster's monsters have failed her is because they only have one head so they're stupid. No joke, that's her actual reasoning. It's great. Finster informs his queen that he's created a lovely parrot monster with one head as normal and another "down there." Finster you saucy little minx. What kind of debauchery do you get up to in that workshop of yours?

After the karate lesson, Tommy and Jason are given a drink of one of Ernie's newest fruit smoothies. He says he's combining all sorts of exotic fruits into one drink, because he found a basket of rotting fruit in the garbage and he's not letting hygiene stop his business from flourishing.

Just before the Ranger Teens can vomit up their innards from the year old papaya Ernie fed them, Bulk and Skull rush into the Youth Center and demand to be inducted into Jason and Tommy's karate class. Trini pipes up to remind the bullies that it's a woman's self defense class, though Bulk's illustrious titty meat may fool the other classmates.

Bulk tells his dear friends they only want to join this women's self defense course to get some foxy babes all up on their dicks. Skull uses Kimberly as an example of a babe he'd like to ride his bone pony, and illustrates it in the most disgusting way possible.

Tropertales.gif

Tommy leaves his girlfriend with some total freak job who wants to add her to his collection so he can go practice some moves on Jason. Goldar sees the Red and Green Rangers are alone in the park and distracted with hugging each other, so it's the perfect time to send down the new monster.

The Two Headed Parrot monster blasts some feathers from its wing which Jason and Tommy narrowly avoid. Attacking the unmorphed Ranger Teens? You really did make a smarter monster this time Finster! The boys morph and are met face to face with the newest monster of the week.

No head for a dick? Throw this one in the trash and start over.

Yeesh, what a doofy looking fucker. This is the Two Headed Parrot, which is actually his name. Someone in the writing room forgot that descriptions don't always denote interesting names. Oh well, Red Karate Man and Green Karate Man soon fight Space Witch's Clay Monster who gives them a tough time. Makes sense this guy packs such a punch, Rita's never used a monster with two heads before.

The Parrot leaps into action and attempts to garrote Green and Red with his big feathery claws. The boys try their best to fight back but can't hold a candle against the new monster. Tommy and Jason start trying to counterattack but Two Headed Parrot keeps them away with feather darts and incendiary blasts fired from its nostrils. This monster's powerhouse mind truly can't be stopped.

Seriously though, we're supposed to buy that what makes this monster so powerful is the unlimited brainpower it gets from having two heads? It's a big pink bird that has a conjoined fetus sticking out of its stomach. The idea that Jason and Tommy taught the women in that self defense class was, " With two people you can divide threats in half"; it wasn't supposed to be "Have two people and you'll be smarter." I think this episode got its wires crossed when it was told to justify the monster being a two faced parrot.

Jason stands strong and demands that he and Tommy go and smack the shit out of that goofy ass bird. Tommy responds to his lover that they need to back off and get the whole team together if they want to stand a chance. So there's the conflict: Jason doesn't want to look like a quitter and Tommy wants to have Kimberly there when he eventually wins the fight all by himself. What a conundrum! Tommy drags Jason away from the fight as the Two Headed Parrot cackles at the retreating Rangers.

Or rubs his tummy. I'm not sure which.

Zordon demands an explanation for why two of his top assassins ran away from a flamingo injected with HGH, and orders Alpha to teleport the Ranger Teens to the Command Center. Once there he informs them that this monster is incredibly dangerous, or stupid, he can't quite make out the readings on this one.

Billy proposes that the Ranger Teens could defeat the monster by distracting it with its favorite fruit. He could easily have created some magic gadget to weaken the monster, but he was feeling lazy this week and threw out a half-assed scheme that everyone implicitly trusted in. Alpha tells the Teens the monster has a fondness for pamango fruits, though it enjoys a variety of other made up fruits as well.

Tommy tells his teammates he'll go find some bullshit fruit in the park, but Zordon interrupts him to remind the audience that his powers are temporary so he must be careful. Be careful of what Zordon? He's going to pluck a fruit from a tree. Do you stop the guy every time he has to take a piss because his powers might fail him in there and get it all over the seat? Leave the guy alone you old balloon faced creep.

Tommy hightails it to the park, and Billy prints off some statistics about the Two Headed Parrot. He begins explaining why Rita's monster is so dangerous with his space age technobabble, but the Command Center's alarm cuts him off mid sentence. It's so satisfying for the show's editor to realize nobody gives a hot gay fuck about what Billy has to say, so they shut him down as soon as he tries to flaunt his brainy bullshit.

The Two Headed Parrot reappears in the park, this time with a battalion of Putties to back him up. The Ranger Teens morph to fight the monster, but know deep in their hearts they can't succeed against him. How can they without any fruit to use as a weapon? The Parrot taunts our heroes as they have a brief fight with the Putty Patrol, and the intelligent monster hides elsewhere because it's a total schmuck.

While his friends face off against a giant freak show of a bird, Tommy finally spies a pamango out in the park. With this mighty fruit he'll surely be able to best the ferocious Parrot monster that has offered the Power Rangers a moderate amount of challenge. Of course we all know what a pamango tastes like, but for those of you who are curious here's what a ripe pamango actually looks like.

Looks like the Incredible Melting Man

Goldar spots Tommy picking pamangos in the woods, so he summons another squadron of Putties to keep their old friend from exploiting the Parrot's weak spot. For as smart as this new monster is, even Goldar realizes it will turn into a drooling simpleton the minute it sees some fruit.

The Putties gang up on Tommy to keep him away from the one pamango in the park, all while he beats the piss out of all of them. After a bit of fighting, they start to remember why they were summoned in the first place and hold Tommy down while taking the fruit away. Congrats Rita! The Putties actually accomplished something you asked them to do. Finster's getting laid tonight!

Zordon contacts Tommy and asks him to join the others with the bountiful cornucopia of pamangos he must have gathered by now. Tommy informs him the Putties just jumped him and stole all his fruit. Zordon replies in his big booming apathetic voice "How unfortunate." It's one of the best line readings you could ask for because it's impossible to make Zordon sound like he gives a shit. He just sounds like he's mocking Tommy for failing to do anything substantial with his ineffective karate skills. Guess you should have used the buddy system huh? Asshole.

Tommy tells Zordon he has an idea and heads to the Juice Bar. As soon as he gets there he asks Ernie if he has any of the rare and exotic pamango fruit hanging around his rinky dink shack of a Juice Bar. Ernie has one left, but he's planning on using it to fix up another one of his diarrhea shakes. Tommy tells him that this pamango is really important, not to fight a mutant chicken or anything, but because Kimberly has a sick parrot that needs more pamango fruit in its diet. Ernie immediately forks over his moldy rotten fruit, and tells Tommy he better be getting some pussy out of this.

While Tommy haggles with a fat man to steal his source of income, the Power Rangers have cleared out all the Putties and combat the Two Headed Parrot five on one. Unfortunately since Jason didn't have any inspirational lessons on how to beat one guy who's way stronger than you and all your friends, they get the shit beat out of them. Jason gets frustrated with the monster and tries to charge in to attack. Zack holds him back and tells him they had better wait for Tommy, but Jason isn't hearing it and tries leaping at the Parrot. It goes how you might expect.

For those who can't tell who's winning, it's the one standing up.

The monster accurately calls out Jason for teaching all this hogwash about teamwork and immediately breaking his own rules. It's a surprisingly nice line that the show would benefit from using more. A giant parakeet shit talking one of your heroes for being a hypocrite and only sticking by their puritanical beliefs when it's convenient for them. Though this episode doesn't really have a theme of breaking your own rules, it sure would have been preferable to watching Tommy plucking fruit in the woods for a quarter of the episode's runtime.

Speaking of Tommy, the Green wonder leaps into battle and saves Jason by tackling the big bird off of him. With the Parrot distracted, Tommy hurls the pamango at the monster and beans it in the shoulder. The creature then begins bickering with itself over which head deserves to eat the delicious treat, all while looking utterly ridiculous.

This is why Two-Face flips a coin guys.

Jason thanks Tommy for saving his skin and apologizes for acting like a total asshole. Glad to see all that attitude from Jason got solved in a 45 second time frame. The Rangers then assault the distracted Two Headed Parrot by kicking and punching it back. The five primary Rangers then put their hands together to boost Tommy in the air where he blasts the monster with energy from his Dragon Dagger. Remember guys, teamwork is important but only when it's to promote your friend with the coolest toys.

Rita becomes furious that her chickenhawk is losing so she makes him grow. Megazord and Dragonzord show up to combat the feathered idiot. The Zord duo tries to keep up with the double parrot, but they get knocked back as soon as they show up. The Parrot eventually knocks the Megazord off its feet with some more of its feather blades, so Tommy has Dragonzord go on the offensive to knock the monster away from its ally. Jeez, for an episode that's supposed to be all about teamwork this sure does focus on Tommy an awful lot. This will be a definite rarity for the series though I assure you.

After slapping the Two Headed Parrot with its tail, Dragonzord meets up with the Megazord as Jason summons Titanus. As the Ultrazord is formed, Jason tells the Two Headed Parrot to give it up or they'll open fire. The monster then cowers before them and makes fearful noises. Jason then says the Rangers have no choice and blow the monster to Hell. Holy shit. If you're going to have the Rangers say something about surrender, maybe don't use the shot of the monster physically trembling in terror. Cut in a scene of the monster charging or something!

Back at the Youth Center, the Rangers enjoy a nice relaxing smoothie to celebrate their most recent cold blooded murder. Ernie asks Kimberly how her pet parrot is doing to which she responds with complete bewilderment. Instead of reacting with suspicion like his character has been known to do in the past, Ernie simply stands there dumbly and gives Kimberly another pamango as she laughs to Trini about having no idea what he's talking about.

Bulk and Skull then show up to take part in Tommy and Jason's karate class about women's self defense. Instead of taking the gentleman's route and leering at the women from afar, the bullies bluster in and start whining about how these women are just a bunch of moms and not babes at all. There goes my head canon about Bulk and Skull being MILF Hunters.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the episode ends with Bulk and Skull getting beaten up by two hot moms in leotards. Then the two bullies are informed by the women that "Two moms are better than one."

Go fuck yourself Power Rangers.



Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Lying to People to Steal Fruit From Them


Personal Thoughts

Mediocre. That's the big word to describe this episode. It's mediocre from minute one and keeps that going the rest of the way through. Whenever the episode accidentally stumbles upon a worthwhile idea, it just ignores that and barrels on through until the runtime has been hit. What a snore. It's not a bad episode but in terms of Zyu2 material this is some of the weakest in the pack. In a few weeks there's going to be an episode that does what this one seems to want to with much more success.

The Two Headed Parrot is just a really silly monster. It feels like the designer wasn't happy with how the suit was coming out so they added a second head on the monster to spice it up. It just doesn't do anything for me at all. Maybe you like the design though! Let me know if I'm just being an old grump. If nothing else I did enjoy how the monster's two mouths both had different voices, even if they were both played by the same person. Fun Fact: Two Headed Parrot was portrayed by Robert Axelrod, or Finster for those of you keeping track at home.

Oh yeah, and a toy informed us the Parrot's heads were named "Pete and Repete." Now you have to die knowing that information just like I do.

We don't get any scenes of the Two Headed Parrot in U.S. footage, but there was a promotional shot of the monster that was given to a Japanese magazine to explain the Zyu2 monsters. Let me show you the image and then ask you how you can tell it wasn't used in the actual episode. Ready? Go!


Give up? It's because Trini's doing something. Clearly this is doctored footage.

Something cool about Zyu2 is that they didn't just make a new Megazord formation sequence for Power Rangers, but also a new Ultrazord formation sequence as well! 

The point they become toys is so seamless! 

Not only that, but the Zyu2 producers also created a new sequence of the Ultrazord's attack. I don't like this one nearly as much as I do the original, but it still looks nice. This is the only time this scene is used so I'll let ya check it out. 


One other Zyu2 tidbit is that a few monsters would appear to duck into a ball after they were defeated by the Power Rangers. Most of the Zyu2 monsters would be writhing in pain or backing away from the Rangers or what have you, but some would be hit by an attack and then duck down before growing. Recently released Zyu2 footage proves this for a fact as a few of the monsters would duck down to indicate to the show's editors this is when they were supposed to grow. I can't say for sure how many times this happened, but I know of three definite examples.

The reason I bring up the ducking and growing thing now is because Two Headed Parrot appears to gear up to crouch down as soon as it gets up after Tommy blasts it. It's incredibly brief, but knowing for sure that a handful of Zyu2 monsters did this duck and grow thing, it's safe to assume the editors just cut the whole movement. I dunno...I find it interesting. Leave me alone.


Well I just hope wherever the Two Headed Parrot is now, he found his peace.






2 comments:

  1. A nice touch I realized while watching this episode literally minutes ago...
    When boarding their zords, Jason pretty much always has the same line: "Rangers, log on!" (Makes sense for the leader.)
    Zack, Billy, & Trini all typically identify themselves, whether by name or by zord (Billy using big words to do so).
    But Kimberly usually has a pithy quip instead of a normal ID.

    I know they probably did it do avoid shoving a 3-syllable name into a 1-second stock-footage clip, but it's kinda in character for her too. What really brought it to my attention in this episode was the specific quip, "Polly want a Megazord?", which had me legitimately laugh.

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